Requisite Strange Search Terms Post

Okay, I can NOT believe I’ve gone this long – over 160 posts – without doing the required, “how in the feck did these people get to my blog?” post.  How, indeed?  I’ve hit my stats page.  I’ve had 3/4 of a bottle of wine.  (Don’t worry this post was written in advance, at night.  I’m not much of a day drinker.  Unless, of course it’s vacation time, which I’m most likely on right now!)  So, I’ve had this bottle of wine and I’ve hit my stats page, you know, like b*tch slapped it.  Like really hit it.  Like spent the evening with it.  What I found appalled me.  In fact, I was so taken aback that I decided to write individual letters to the most ludicrous (or inventive?) of the google searchers.  Here it is, in all its glory, for your reading pleasure:

 

Crazy search term, number uno:  “what do gay men do who are called “walkers””

 

The “walkers” was even in quotes.  So, now I have to look something up.  Goddermn it.  I went to google and I put in the search term, “gay men who are called walkers” and my post came up third.  It was a post in which I talked about how lesbians need their own “fag hags,” but these fag hags need to be straight men.  Straight men who are slightly geeky and could fix your computer, but yet still ride a motorcycle.  These are dudes who really like women.  They like being around gay women because they like women, but the flirting, sexual stuff makes them all awkward.  So, they act as the wing men to gay girls and then they pick up the stray gay girls who aren’t sure or who are bi.  I like to think of these men as, “Lez Luthers.”  Somewhere in there, I’m sure, someone mentioned that gay men used to be known as “walkers.”  Which meant they “walked” straight women where ever they needed to go.  You know, back in the day when a lady needed to be walked to the store like a pooch or when she needed a hanky thrown over a puddle or something like that.  I have no letter to write to this individual.  I actually feel that this search term was a valid archaeological dig of gay.  I like to think I’ve come up with a lot of terms for the new gay.  There’s She-sus Christ (like jesus, but a lady), blasting (like a finger bang, but confetti comes out), and Lez Luther (a fag hag for a gay girl), just to name a few.  This person was digging, I can only assume in an archaeological manner.  Just as I would do, after several glasses of wine.  They were digging for gay.  I say, dig away!

 

Search term 2:  “fat women love wearing pink sweatpants”

 

Okay, what the feck?

 

Dear Fat Women,

 

I can only assume fat broads love wearing sweatpants of every color.  I can also only assume from the bizarre nature of your search that you are an a**hole.  What do you care what a fat broad wears?  She-sus Christ, grow a pair.  And guess what, the fat broad in the pink sweats probably doesn’t want you either.

 

Next.

 

Mother.

 

I say, kiss it.

 

Search term #3:  “bitch i’m fabulous dog”

 

Dear Bitch,

 

I love you.  I see your search terms as less of a search term and more of a cry of self acceptance.  I picture you lighting up a hookah pipe (Sorry, I’m not good at anything stronger), writing some poetry, dancing around in your underwear, and then screaming, “Bitch, I’m fabulous, dawg.”  You love the statement so much that you type it into google and you end up at my blog.

 

Sometimes google gets it right.

 

Much love,

 

Mother

 

Search term #4:  “if a kerchief dipped in chloroform is kept on the nose for 1 hr will the person die”

 

Dear Kerchief,

 

You are bonzai-nutso.  Please tell me your real name, so I can warn everyone close to you.  Please stop visiting my blog.  You are scary.

 

Thank you very much.

 

Motherfecker.  (in order to seem more intimidating…)

 

Um, please unfollow.

 

Search term #5:  “best korean hermaphrodite”

 

Dear Best,

 

I don’t know how in the f you got to my site.  I can only guess you were very disappointed once you arrived.  But, if you must know — her name is Karen.

 

Thank you and your welcome.

 

Mother.

 

Search term #6:  “mens having sex with 2 sister and mom”

 

Dear Mens,

 

No.

 

Mother.

 

Search term #7:  “sweet mother of gonga”

 

Dear Gonga,

 

I’m glad she exists, but I am not her.

 

So sorry.

 

Momma

 

Maybe this is her?

 

Search term #8:  “sweet bare ass”

 

Dear Sweet,

 

I can appreciate your search for sweet bare ass.  I believe I have provided a picture or two containing what you wish for surrounded by a plethora of annoying words.  I believe that there are other “archives” out there with less distractions where you can go straight to the bare ass if you so desire, but, either way, I’m glad we’ve passed each other in the night.

 

Much love,

 

Mother.

 

Search term #9:  “smooshed nose rabbits”

 

Dear Smooshed,

 

I’m glad you came right after “sweet bare asses” in my search term stats.  Some how, some way, some part of me, finds you both to be comforting in the same way.  I mean look:

 

I mean…

COME ON!

 

Don’t you feel good now?  I know I do.

 

Love,

 

Sweet Mother

 

Search term #10:  “crotch squeeze”

 

Dear Crotch,

 

Don’t squeeze.  Release.  That is the secret of life.

 

Yours in looseness,

 

Mother.

 

Search term #11:  “borg lesbian”

 

Dear Borg,

 

Yes, please.  I would love to see you and your unhuman-lezzie-rigidity.  Please send photo immediately.

 

Yours in robotics and queerdom,

 

Mother.

 

Search term #12:  “gourounia”

 

Okay, apparently gourounia from what I can see means “Pigs” in greek.  How in the feck?  Why in the feck?  Fine, gourounia-seekers look through my site for the gourournia.  Now, I suspect you will do so even more, since I’ve said gourounia several times.  But, don’t be surprised if I call you a “mounotricha.”  Sorry, but you asked for it.

 

Search term #13:  “hot naked chicks with open legs and nice vaginas”

 

Really?

 

Search term #14:  “why can’t i hold all these dicks”

 

Dear Why,

 

Sometimes the key is quality and not quantity.  That might solve your problem.  If it doesn’t, well, then dial a friend.

 

Much love,

 

Mother.

 

Anyway, I could go on and on, but – CLEARLY – that’s enough vulgarity for one day.  Thank you for indulging me.  Sadly, when I’ve had a little wine, I could go through those f’en search terms all day.

 

Here’s to the next fella who googles “sweet clits” and much to his disappointment, finds me.  😉

 

***

 

Sweet Mother is updated daily.  If you’d like to follow this blog, you can do so by clicking the “follow” button at the top of the page.

 

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TV Mash Up:  Modern Jackie

 

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Photo credits: pink-sweats, hannibal, bunny, butt, weeds

 

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20 thoughts on “Requisite Strange Search Terms Post

  1. Oh, yeah, number 4 is scary all right. If that doesn’t give you nightmares, I don’t know what will. Well, that and “smooshed nose rabbits”…

  2. I need to up my game, obviously. I have nothing nearly as exciting as the search terms you get. Mine mostly involve Weebles and hot dead guys or chicks. But the archaeologic dig for gay is fascinating. I like the Lez Luthor name, but I’m still waiting for a name for straight chicks who hang out with lesbians. I’m one hell of a lady wingman, you know. 😉

  3. Ha! Oh my. And I thought MY search terms were bad. I think the follow-up post should be the terms you’ve come up with – “Lez Luther” is amazing. The bunny one was the perfect palate cleanser.

    I haven’t yet done a search term post, but I do like to hoard the best ones (if not hit them hard) for moments such as this. Here’s a recent favorite: “i just dont know how to quit you cats”

  4. At this very moment I am creating these bumper stickers: “Bitch, I’m a Fabulous Dog” and “Why Can’t I Hold All These Dicks.” I expect to be a millionaire and then I am certain that I will be able to hold all these dicks.

  5. See, this is what happens when you don’t do what all the “professional bloggers” and SEO consultants advise and do a keyword analysis before writing your posts and titles and make sure to use your target keywords and phrases strategically.

    If you were doing so, you would rank #1 for “gay men who are walkers” as you deserve.

    My blog is so travel focused that my search terms are boooooring. The most off topic and interesting are “Latino power,” which is the caption of one of my photos, and “big breasts bollywood” and “breasts bollywood,” which is, in fact, something I wrote about.

    The more amazing thing is that these porn searchers actually stay on my site about half the time. They came looking for henna’d boobs, they stayed for the travel narrative essays!

  6. LOL! I love these … I’ve not done this post yet myself. The one search term I get repeatedly is “Hot Sex Dogs” … Can I just say gross.It makes me feel squicky LOL

  7. Is bonzai-nutso a word?

    And I should probably also mention that I have no idea how I ended up at this blog, but I was not looking for porn. (I’m smart, so I already know wordpress is not the best place to look for porn. Usually.) 🙂

  8. Your search terms are a heckuva lot more interesting than my blog sees 😀 I mean, “Kreative Blogger bad science” or “filing system” don’t begin to compare. But you gotta love ’em. Like spam, they provide good post fodder. 🙂

  9. Haha, I love posts about search terms. The funny thing is that now that you’ve mentioned these terms, you’re really going to get some kooky ones. But it’s fun…except for that guy who wants to kill somebody. Yikes.

  10. I do not, no never ever, not in 1001 days wear Pink Sweat Pants.

    #4 was quite frightening and your response appropriate.

    You have caused me to want to go look at my search terms, however based on much of the spam I received; well I am afraid very very afraid.

    Now, I am going to go pour Tequila in my coffee to bolster my courage!

    You kill me, I suggest more frequent tippling of the vine.

  11. Bahahahahahahahaha! This does seem to be the theme of the week. Wish I’d thought of doing it, but now I’ll have to wait a few weeks. I get some truly bizarre ones as well.

    Oh, and for the record, I’m a chubby woman and I’m wearing green sweat, erm, shorts. And yes, they look like crap on me. But if I weighed 125 lbs, I could rock these babies at a nightclub and I’d get hit on all night. I’d also be starving. Which wouldn’t prove safe for any potential suitor because I’d probably go bath salt cannibal on his ass. And then my husband would berate him for hitting on a married woman. I’m not sure which would be worse for the poor guy.

  12. Okay, this post really made my day! Now I can get down to writing my next blog post as well… Can’t say my search term stats can compete with yours in any way shape or form!

  13. I feel much more educated.
    I am overweight, never wear sweat pants of any color, am a former fag hag, from years ago and I loved loved loved the bunny nose and the naked buns. 🙂

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