cruise

Why Katie Holmes Might Have Left Tom Cruise

Listen, there’s been a lot of speculation on the web as to why Katie Holmes might have left Tom Cruise.  I’ve decided to do some research of my own.  And by research, I mean I’ve put on a lab coat and trolled through gossip blogs.  I think it’s safe to say that my results are as possible as any of the others.

 

Here’s what I think might have happened:

 

He’s gay and the TomKat is out of the bag / closet.

 

Every time the doorbell rang, Tom jumped all over the couches hoping it was Oprah again.

 

Katie finally realized there is no science in Scientology.

 

Katie had the name Suri translated from its original sanskrit.  It means, “Mom, get me the feck out of here.”

 

Tom slides into the den wearing nothing, but his tube socks and button down – every.single.morning.

 

Cute the first time, annoying by the 57th.

Tom enters the house by belaying down from the roof, while playing the Mission Impossible theme song on his iphone.  He thinks it’s funny.

 

“I enter the house this way because I can. Okay, jack-rabbit?!”

Katie started watching “Dawson’s Creek” on loop and whispering, “Those were the best of times.”

 

Tom finally admits to Katie that John Travolta is his lover.  John Travolta denies it and says he loves his masseuse.

 

Katie decided to forego her marriage for a lesbian threeway with Victoria Beckham and Jada Pinkett.  In this threeway, the girls wear nothing, but designer shoes.

 

Katie: “Girls, let’s drop these feckers and get it on.”

Tom kept going on and on about the Scientology aliens.  When Katie asked him for proof, he showed her a picture of John Lithgow.

 

Katie started watching old, re-runs of John and Kate Plus 8.  She found herself wishing for a partner who is relaxed and easy like Kate Gosselin.

 

Wifesy and I are vacationing up the California coast for the next day or so.  I’ve posted these joy-reads in my absence.  Please do comment, if you like it.  I promise to read and respond to everything, the moment I am home.  Happy Summer, blogging besties.

 

Oh, and if your jury is still out on Tom Cruise, definitely check out his Scientology video.  It’s a gem:

 

 

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Photo credits:  mission, risky, thegirls, rockofages

42 thoughts on “Why Katie Holmes Might Have Left Tom Cruise

  1. I tried to watch his video – honest. I got over four minutes of it before I finally admitted I couldn’t listen to more rambling, half-starts, half-thoughts, half-utterances. Good grief.

  2. So, I got 6 minutes and 45 seconds into the video before I couldn’t handle any more of him not actually saying anything. How in the world Katie lasted as long as she did, we’ll never know.

  3. Ooh I was pretty excited when I saw this title (hey! Look! See! You’ve got title mojo!). This was my fav: “Katie had the name Suri translated from its original sanskrit. It means, ‘Mom, get me the feck out of here.'”

    Hope you’re enjoying wine country. I’ve all the faith in the sweet mother lovin’ world (hmm, that came out wrong) that you are!

  4. When a mega-star is so insecure over his masculinity that he won’t let his wife wear heels, then there is a problem. I can’t believe she lasted this long.

  5. I think perhaps CNN and TMZ were the only ones surprised over this split. Sorry, I really was thinking of watching that Scientoboogieman video but after what the other commenters said, decided I just couldn’t. This post was great…you deserve a vacation on this one alone!

    1. thanks, para, i’m glad you enjoyed it. and don’t fret about the video. it’s sort of like having a papercut and pouring rubbing alcohol in it…if you enjoy that sort of thing… xo, sm

  6. OMG, I got to 3:34 and pffffffff…. just ran out of steam. HELP ME, TOM! I need some protein. Please make me 2 sunny side up eggs because ONLY YOU can do without breaking the yolks. I. can’t. do. it. I’m not a criminal or druggie that you have to counsel and cure, just one tired Momma. And after that, you are obligated to other good in the world so please solve the Middle East situation.

      1. Missed you Momma! I had huge internet connectivity issues and couldn’t get on WordPress for a long time. Good to reading your blog again! xo

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