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Wise Old Sayings, Modernized

It has occurred to me that most languages use sayings and that the people of the inter-webs love quotes.  So, what is a saying?  The douchey, “I have a Master’s degree in  English,” answer would be — an idiom.  Glorious idioms.  To me, an idiom is a life lesson in a sentence or two.  You hear it and you go, “Oh, now that I have this bird in my hand, I’m going to leave those two dead ones over there in the bush, alone.  Well, because I have one in my hand and that’s better than two in a bush.”  See, we’ve all learned something.  Especially the bird who is thinking, “Why in the feck did I land in this Jack-hole’s hand?  Now I have to be part of some life lesson instead of flying south?  Goddermn it, I should’ve taken the 405.”

 

I love idioms.  My only complaint is that some of them are very old fashioned.  For example, “A dime a dozen.”  Does anyone ever really use dimes anymore?  In fact, the parking meters won’t even take them.  So, I worry for today’s children.  Will they understand the richness of a lesson in a sentence or two?  As always, I am very concerned for the straightbies and gaybies of tomorrow.  As such, I’ve decided to modernize some common sayings.  Since “it takes a village,” consider me the mayor.  Let us begin.

 

Old Saying:  “I’ve had it up to here.”

 

Modern Version:  “I’m so full, I’ve developed type 2 diabetes.”

 

Explanation:  You see, way back when “I’ve had it up to here” was popularized humans were much shorter.  We were all just about Napolean-sized due to a lack of protein in our diets.  But, now, we are super-sized due to the hormones we feed our cows in order to produce more feckin’ beef then ever.  So, “up to here,” is not as strong.  But, “so full I’m almost diabetic…,” well, that packs a punch-sized bowl of understanding.

 

The face of a southern fried idiom.

 

Old Saying:  “He has foot in mouth disease.”

 

Modern Version:  “What a Charlie Sheen.”

 

Explanation:  No one can get their foot in their mouth anymore with the exception of Madonna and she can only do it because she does all that yoga.  But, say someone is a “Charlie Sheen” and everyone gets it – “a bullsh*tter with a touch of cray-cray who is probably going to insult you.”

 

Old Saying:  “Stop and smell the roses.”

 

Modern Version:  “Always wait for the after-pee.”

 

Explanation:  There used to be a time when everyone had a garden.  Now people have substituted growing flowers for a harmonic zen garden, which is basically just a sand pit where you move the rocks around.  So, there may not be roses in everyone’s general vicinity.  But, everyone can enjoy the after-pee.  The after-pee is the moment after you’ve peed where you sit (or stand) there silently waiting for the next round.  It’s the small trickle after the big pee.  It is wholly satisfying and if you do not wait for it, you are missing out on one of life’s most simple pleasures.

 

Who knew…she was actually sitting on a bedpan.

 

Old Saying:  “A Piece of Cake”

 

Modern Version:  “Store Bought Hummus”

 

Explanation:  Back in the times of the kings and queens, there was always cake laying around, at least at the palace.  So much so that the royal offspring took to saying, “a piece of cake” when something was easy.  As in, “There’s cake here every feckin’ day.  It just materializes and it’s as common as gout.  Just head down to the kitchen and pick up a slice.”  Cake is not as common in households these days because now people tend to do things themselves.  It’s time consuming to bake a cake, but you know what’s worse?  Making your own hummus.  Most people think to themselves, “I have all these chickpeas, I’d love to make a hummus.  But, feck it, I can get a better one at the store much faster…in fact, IT’S EASY.”  Thus, originated the term, “store bought hummus.”  At least, I think that’s what happened.

 

Old Saying:  “At the drop of a hat”

 

Modern Version:  “At the crash of a cellphone”

 

Explanation:  No one wears hats anymore, except for baseball players and old, British, gentlemen.  However, everyone has a cellphone.  These cellphones are always slipping, and falling, and crashing, out of one’s hand.  So, if you mean to do something “right away,” you might say, “at the crash of a cellphone” because you can be assured right now, at anytime, somewhere in the world, a cellphone is comin’ a crashing against a hard floor…of this, I am sure.

 

What about you?  Have a saying you want modernized?  Leave it in the comments section and I’ll give it an update for you.

 

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Photo credits:  paula deen, meg ryan, cloud-nine

 

39 thoughts on “Wise Old Sayings, Modernized

    1. old saying: “bleeding like a stuck pig”

      new saying: “bleeding like a cast member of 16 and pregnant in the bathroom at the prom.”

      explanation: clearly none needed.

  1. I don’t think I’ll be able to watch “When Harry Met Sally” ever again without thinking of that bedpan! LOL
    When I was a wee little alien my Mum would often say “Cleanliness is next to Godliness”

    1. old saying: ‘cleanliness is next to godliness.’
      new saying: ‘sloppiness is next to being cast in a hoarder show’

      does that one work? i’m not sure. looool. anyway, mee, i’m glad you liked that meg ryan one. it was me favorite too. ;) sm

  2. Very funny post, Sweet Momma! I laughed out loud with that first one. Ahh, the hypocrisy that is Paula Deen.

    How about: “Don’t put the cart before the horse”? Might work for the Amish, but not so much for the rest of us. :)

    1. old saying: ‘don’t put the car before the horse.’
      new saying: ‘don’t drive in reverse using the back-up camera alone, actually turn your head.’
      at least, i think that should be the modern version. glad you liked it, rubes, slowly getting my mojo back and gently churning away on my book. xoxox, momma

  3. This is soooo funny.
    Old Saying: “At the drop of a hat”
    Modern Version: “At the crash of a cellphone”
    No kidding, my husband came home from work and said he had to go to Best Buy during lunch because he….wait for it…..dropped his phone and cracked the case, AGAIN. I was going to ask you to update “a penny saved is a penny earned” but since I can’t seem to do either – it’s kinda pointless. : )

    1. dropping one’s cellphone has become as common as overeating french fries. it’s impossible not to do. i’m waiting for the day we all have some kind of tether line to keep the phones securely fastened to our wrists… lol. much love, honie, much love. ;)

  4. Bahahahahahahahahaha! Always wait for the after-pee!!!!! I’m going to just start saying that randomly. It’s the new: No one expects the Spanish Inquistion. I’m just gonna lob it out there whenever anyone looks like they’re enjoying something.

    Are you spying on me? You are, aren’t you? I inspired the whole homemade hummus is the new piece of cake thing, didn’t I? Yes, I just made red bell pepper and garlic hummus. Because I’m now vegan. If you even mention the word “bacon,” I might fly to California, hunt you down and eat you…after sandwiching you between fifteen pounds of Oscar Meyer Center Cut bacon.

    1. oh.my.god. vegan? vegan?! may she-sus christ bless you because you are a better person than i. i could do a light vegetarian, if vegetarianism allowed for the occasional steak. but, vegan? no eggs? lawd, i hope you’re okay… loool. xo, sm

    1. old saying: i don’t have a snowflake’s hope in hell
      new saying: i don’t have a last ipad at the mac store’s hope in hell…

      bwwwwaaahhhhaaa. ridiculous, i know.

    1. old saying: like the pot calling the kettle black
      new saying: like the burrito calling the taco a spicy mexican

      latinos are the new minority, here, in america, it’s time they got their due. let’s give ’em a saying… looool.

      sincerely, ems, you made my evening with your comment. much love, sm

  5. I can’t believe I saved this for today and for coffee. I loved these they were all so good. But you do know here in the Texas and elsewhere in the South, women still do wear hats! I have several including my awesome cowboy hat.

    Here a couple for you:

    Knee high to a grasshopper (what does this mean anyway)
    God willing and the creek don’t rise (one of my grandmothers)
    Tell the truth shame the Devil (another of my grandmothers)

  6. I might be a tad late to comment on this post, but “nails on a chalkboard” is a thing of the past as well. The kids today have no clue how horrible that sound really is. I am not as clever as you, so I will let you come up with a modern version. On a seperate note, you’re awesome Sweet Mother.

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