SIDESHOW BLOG STORE

Okay, so I’m sitting here this morning. I had a funny idea for a post. I’m like, self: “This will only take 5 minutes. It will be a hilarious post!” Two hours later, after tons of bullcaci, here I am, writing it. It’s almost noon. The dog is growling for food, but this nonsense will prevail! She-sus Christ! What a pain in the a-hole blogging is, huh?! Oh, but we love it. How we love it.

My idea was to start the CREEPIEST, craziest BLOG STORE you could imagine. I sort of hate monetizing things, but then again, I like money. Or at least the idea of it, since money seems to mainly be an ephemeral idea for me, most of the time. I also hate selling things. So, I want to create a “reverse psychology” blog store. I’ll say, “I hate it,” but I’ll keep adding items. You and the masses of anonymous readers out there with loads of extra cash in a down economy will purchase things from it. I’ll scream, “No, that’s not what I meant! The items were supposed to be horrible!” Every time I scream and protest, people will buy more. It will become a frenzy. I’ll self-deprecate myself into an oceanside cottage in Malibu. At least, this is how I would like things to work, in my own mind.

So, I thought what can I sell?

The creepiest thing I could come up with was a LOCK OF HAIR. Will etsy let me sell a lock of hair? Hell, they specialize in handmade items and since I technically make my own hair, I thought I could sell it on there. I backed off the idea only because I thought some creep-a-loon in Oklahoma might actually by it. Probably the creep-a-loon who arrived at my blog by searching, “what happens when you put chloroform over a woman’s face for an hour…” True story.

This is actually Emily Dickinson’s hair. She was such a genius merching her own hair before the internet even existed!

So, the lock of hair is out because I don’t like feeding the minds of miscreants when I’m only joking for feck sake.

I had to come up with something else. Something so bad it’s good. I thought maybe I could sell a vial of “supposedly” Billy Bob Thornton’s blood.

I’d say, “This is Angelina Jolie’s old vial of Billy Bob Thornton blood. I’m offering it at a special weekend price of $19.99.” Then I’d just fill up a bunch of crack vials with ketchup and make a killing.

Ew.

Then I thought, no. Selling “supposed” vials of Slingblade blood is weirder than Angelina Jolie wearing it. And I refuse to outweird the weird, at least not on a public blog. In the privacy of my own home, that’s another thing entirely. But, then again slapping myself with a slice of bologna while I sing, “Sweet Chariot” is not exactly marketable.

I needed something better. How about old, broken, toys? There’s something incredibly creepy about selling old, broken, toys. But, then I realized I don’t have any because NOT having toys is a requisite when you are the NUMBER 1 CHILDLESS MOMMY BLOGGER IN AMERICA or an adult (same thing). (Self proclaimed, of course. On the adult. Childless Mommy Blogger is real.) If you’re keeping toys around and you don’t have children then you are Joe Paterno or a Catholic priest. And I’ve been writing for a full six months without making a horrible pedophile joke here, so I’m not going to start now. (oh, shit, I just did.) Plus, I’d like to bash a couple of those dudes around the jaw with a run-down, Sit N‘ Spin, but that wouldn’t sell either. Unless of course I filmed it and sold the tapes. I could call it, “Sweet Mother’s Fight Club.” I could sell it in a boxset with “Backyard Wrestling.”

She-sus, it’s time to get serious! This is why none of my ideas work, no follow through. I want to sell something that never gets bought. (But, you know, kinda does.) Something ridiculous. Something fun. So, I spent the morning making some t-shirts out of SWEET MOTHER sayings because I seriously need something better to do with my time / life.

Anyway, it was enjoyable.

Here’s an original design that I liked, which did NOT make the cut. It’s for a She-sus Christ! t-shirt. Don’t worry, the explanation is included on the shirt.

Here is the She-sus Christ that survived the design inquisition. The new model is in baby blue in the middle:

You can actually buy it, if you are rich and want to buy a shirt that no one, but the readers of this blog will understand. It’s a very INSIDE type of t-shirt.

The second t-shirt that I made as part of this one of a kind, unique, elitist, pomp-wad of a collection was to pay homage to the dinklewad who made sunglasses that make no sense – not even for blind people. That’s right, I made a t-shirt to pay tribute to Kanye West. We may not know what the feck he’s talking about when he says, “Beyonce made the album of the year over Taylor Swift,” but we know he likes homos because his cousin is one and so he announced it. Therefore making him, no homo, yet, pro-homo. Thanks for the endorsement you, dinklewad. And for creating these infuriating sunglasses.

Glasses, no. T-shirt, yes. (Subliminal messaging?)

To commemorate your horrific invention, Mr. West, I’ve created this t-shirt. It allows me to use the word FECK and therefore, it was worth it. Shirt is on the far right.

Only $300 for the first 3 products. Not really, but close.

Lastly, I created a bbq apron as a companion piece to one of my very lauded (by wack-a-loons everywhere) and popular stand up comedy bits.

The bit is called, “Toe-Blast.” Oh, yes it is. And it only took me 1 hour to upload it to WordPress’s player. So, enjoy it. And then enjoy the corresponding Apron to go with the obscure comedy bit.

One of a kind, TOE BLAST tee:

Wear this official toe-blaster tee from my original act with a dead toe tag over your nipples.

I intend to add t-shirts to this line-up from time to time. My whole store will be located here. I would like to have the world’s biggest merchandise store with the least number of items sold. (And by no, I mean, yes.) I think I’m on the right track.

If you want to see a Sweet Mother term or phrase or a bit on a t-shirt, let me know and lord knows, I’ll make it happen.

Much love, from the girl with too much time on her hands. Aka: SweetMo.

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