SIDESHOW BLOG STORE

Okay, so I’m sitting here this morning.  I had a funny idea for a post.  I’m like, self:  “This will only take 5 minutes.  It will be a hilarious post!”  Two hours later, after tons of bullcaci, here I am, writing it.  It’s almost noon.  The dog is growling for food, but this nonsense will prevail!  She-sus Christ!  What a pain in the a-hole blogging is, huh?!  Oh, but we love it.  How we love it.

 

My idea was to start the CREEPIEST, craziest BLOG STORE you could imagine.  I sort of hate monetizing things, but then again, I like money.  Or at least the idea of it, since money seems to mainly be an ephemeral idea for me, most of the time.  I also hate selling things.  So, I want to create a “reverse psychology” blog store.  I’ll say, “I hate it,” but I’ll keep adding items.  You and the masses of anonymous readers out there with loads of extra cash in a down economy will purchase things from it.  I’ll scream, “No, that’s not what I meant!  The items were supposed to be horrible!”  Every time I scream and protest, people will buy more.  It will become a frenzy.  I’ll self-deprecate myself into an oceanside cottage in Malibu.  At least, this is how I would like things to work, in my own mind.

 

So, I thought what can I sell?

 

The creepiest thing I could come up with was a LOCK OF HAIR.  Will etsy let me sell a lock of hair?  Hell, they specialize in handmade items and since I technically make my own hair, I thought I could sell it on there.  I backed off the idea only because I thought some creep-a-loon in Oklahoma might actually by it.  Probably the creep-a-loon who arrived at my blog by searching, “what happens when you put chloroform over a woman’s face for an hour…”  True story.

This is actually Emily Dickinson’s hair. She was such a genius merching her own hair before the internet even existed!

 

So, the lock of hair is out because I don’t like feeding the minds of miscreants when I’m only joking for feck sake.

 

I had to come up with something else.  Something so bad it’s good.  I thought maybe I could sell a vial of “supposedly” Billy Bob Thornton’s blood.

 

I’d say, “This is Angelina Jolie’s old vial of Billy Bob Thornton blood.  I’m offering it at a special weekend price of $19.99.”  Then I’d just fill up a bunch of crack vials with ketchup and make a killing.

Ew.

 

Then I thought, no.  Selling “supposed” vials of Slingblade blood is weirder than Angelina Jolie wearing it.  And I refuse to outweird the weird, at least not on a public blog.  In the privacy of my own home, that’s another thing entirely.  But, then again slapping myself with a slice of bologna while I sing, “Sweet Chariot” is not exactly marketable.

 

I needed something better.  How about old, broken, toys?  There’s something incredibly creepy about selling old, broken, toys.  But, then I realized I don’t have any because NOT having toys is a requisite when you are the NUMBER 1 CHILDLESS MOMMY BLOGGER IN AMERICA or an adult (same thing).  (Self proclaimed, of course.  On the adult.  Childless Mommy Blogger is real.)  If you’re keeping toys around and you don’t have children then you are Joe Paterno or a Catholic priest.  And I’ve been writing for a full six months without making a horrible pedophile joke here, so I’m not going to start now.  (oh, shit, I just did.)  Plus, I’d like to bash a couple of those dudes around the jaw with a run-down, Sit N‘ Spin, but that wouldn’t sell either.  Unless of course I filmed it and sold the tapes.  I could call it, “Sweet Mother’s Fight Club.”  I could sell it in a boxset with “Backyard Wrestling.”

 

She-sus, it’s time to get serious!  This is why none of my ideas work, no follow through.  I want to sell something that never gets bought.  (But, you know, kinda does.)  Something ridiculous.  Something fun.  So, I spent the morning making some t-shirts out of SWEET MOTHER sayings because I seriously need something better to do with my time / life.

 

Anyway, it was enjoyable.

 

Here’s an original design that I liked, which did NOT make the cut.  It’s for a She-sus Christ! t-shirt.  Don’t worry, the explanation is included on the shirt.

 

Here is the She-sus Christ that survived the design inquisition.  The new model is in baby blue in the middle:

 

 

You can actually buy it, if you are rich and want to buy a shirt that no one, but the readers of this blog will understand.  It’s a very INSIDE type of t-shirt.

 

The second t-shirt that I made as part of this one of a kind, unique, elitist, pomp-wad of a collection was to pay homage to the dinklewad who made sunglasses that make no sense – not even for blind people.  That’s right, I made a t-shirt to pay tribute to Kanye West.  We may not know what the feck he’s talking about when he says, “Beyonce made the album of the year over Taylor Swift,” but we know he likes homos because his cousin is one and so he announced it.  Therefore making him, no homo, yet, pro-homo.  Thanks for the endorsement you, dinklewad.  And for creating these infuriating sunglasses.

 

Glasses, no. T-shirt, yes. (Subliminal messaging?)

 

To commemorate your horrific invention, Mr. West, I’ve created this t-shirt.  It allows me to use the word FECK and therefore, it was worth it.  Shirt is on the far right.

Only $300 for the first 3 products. Not really, but close.

Lastly, I created a bbq apron as a companion piece to one of my very lauded (by wack-a-loons everywhere) and popular stand up comedy bits.

 

The bit is called, “Toe-Blast.”  Oh, yes it is.  And it only took me 1 hour to upload it to WordPress’s player.  So, enjoy it.  And then enjoy the corresponding Apron to go with the obscure comedy bit.

 

 

One of a kind, TOE BLAST tee:

Wear this official toe-blaster tee from my original act with a dead toe tag over your nipples.

 

I intend to add t-shirts to this line-up from time to time.  My whole store will be located here.  I would like to have the world’s biggest merchandise store with the least number of items sold.  (And by no, I mean, yes.)  I think I’m on the right track.

 

If you want to see a Sweet Mother term or phrase or a bit on a t-shirt, let me know and lord knows, I’ll make it happen.

 

Much love, from the girl with too much time on her hands.  Aka:  SweetMo.

 

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You might also like:

Sweet Mother Store

How I reached 100,000 views.

Do It Yourself Erotica

 

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Photo creds:  Kanye West, AngelinaandBilly, LockofEmily, feature

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26 thoughts on “SIDESHOW BLOG STORE

  1. You should definitely do something with the gayby term like “guess what non million moms, my gayby is an honor student.” Or something good. But you gets what I’s writins. I am very tempted on the Kanye penguin. I see that going places.

  2. So, you’re saying that I could have had a hilarious and successful Mommy blog WITHOUT having children? WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME THAT TWO YEARS AGO?! F*cker!

    1. bwwwwaaaahhhha, the ‘childless mommy blogger’ it’s sort of like my niche for the insane. you’re welcome to join at any time, even with kids. i’m flexible like that… lol.

    1. i know. i totally love that one. i even love the blade runner font it let me use. my only complaint was that site wouldn’t let you set up a ‘store’ — as far as i could tell, but ask and ye shall receive. http://www.customink.com/lab/?BN=true&cid=bzy0-000q-k94r#shared

      now, i get nothing out of that one, so i only ask, if you do buy it that you send me a pic of yourself wearing it! i’ll dedicate a whole post to you, if you do. tee, he. consider it a challenge… lol.

      much love, sm

  3. How about a T-shirt that just says FECK.

    I would by a Sweet Mother branded T-shirt.

    I’m almost tempted to pull out my dormant graphic design skills and design you a Fabs original.

    1. i would love one that just says, ‘feck’ — but, my graphic design skills are SO boring. totes, totes boring! you desing one and i’ll give you the first two tshirt sales if anyone buys one. that could take a year though. lol. much love, momma

  4. You definitely have some unique blog related items you could sell. The one thing I sold on my blog store was t-shirt with a picture of the bread and stick of butter from one of my posts. I think Paula Deen bought it.

    1. i wish i could design i’d make a maternity shirt with a little tadpole swimming up it…i’d make two versions with the tadpole, 1 would just say, ‘feck’ and the other would say, ‘my fetus is an honor student’.

  5. SM,
    If the creepiest blog shop ever see fruition, Le Clown would be willing to donate anything off his very marketable self. You name it: nails, hair, dead skin, a piece of paper licked by moi. You want it? I’ll provide it. I can also send you my kids for a few months, an offer I have often sent your way, but you have failed to agree upon. Shitard.
    Le Clown

    1. Le Clowne, I knew I wasn’t the only one you tried to give your children away too! However, since she writes a childless mommy blog, I can definitely see where you’re coming from.

      Sweet Mother, I suspect you could make a killing off the blood vials if only you were willing. I’m going to name a blog “Angelina Jolie _______”, and then I’m going to watch my statistics skyrocket.

      1. L&L,
        I offer my kids to anyone who breathes. Well, I’d offer them to vampires and zombies, if I could. And ghosts. Not to Sarah Palin, though. I’m not that evil. They’d be better off being devoured by a pack of werewolves.
        Le Clown

  6. You are gonna be RICH! Sweet Mother. I know you’ve got a million of those sayings we all adore so keep on adding them.

    1. i know. i need some sort of ‘logo’ or something don’t i? something that says they are mine? i’m such a bad business girl. sigh. hmmm, well, food for thought. lol. xoxo, momma

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