Joke Week, The Finale

Okey doke, so I had to postpone the final day of Joke Week.  Mainly, because I had zero time to post yesterday.  That’s because I’m writing the entire script for a Latino Awards show to be broadcast on PBS.  I’m not kidding.  Thankfully, it’s a pretty big time, Latino awards show.  I say that less to toot my own horn and more because I think it’s awesome that in two short weeks both Edward Olmos and Lou Diamond Philips will be saying the words that I have written.  I love Los Angeles and the plethora of writing gigs it has to offer.  I truly do.  If you are good and if you can survive, the writing action is here.

 

I like LA so much that I’ll even get over my fear of natural disasters that prompt signs like the below, if it means I can get paid to put words to the page.

 

I’m sort of not worried-ish.

 

What’s that?  A little quake?  Not a problem if there’s a writing check waiting for me at the end of the rubble.

 

 

Speaking of funny signs (is that schticky enough for ya?), as I was running around yesterday from meeting to meeting, I also came across this following in a restroom.

 

I find it eyebrow-raisingly funny.  It’s not the first time that I’ve come across a bathroom sign written in this manner in the state of California.  What always amuses me is the way California pitches itself as the “laid back” state.  Laid back, of course, until you don’t wash your hands.

 

Alright already, I get it…

 

This sign may say “Common Decency dictates…,” but I’ve got some smarts.  I can read between the lines.  What this sign really means is, “Wash your feckin’ hands, you dirty, celebu-tard.  You may have won the Celebrity Apprentice, but we will NOT tolerate you spreading typhoid all over our bagel joint.  Don’t be swine, Mr. Turpentine!”

 

 

Anyway, it is time for the very last installment of Joke Week.  Tomorrow, we’ll be back to regular programming.  If you don’t know what in the heck joke week is, scroll to the bottom and click on the previous links.  Otherwise…

 

Enjoy!

 

Joke 1:

 

Swimmer, Michael Phelps, has made it to the 400m finals by 1/10th of a second.  Phelps says he would’ve qualified by a bigger margin had he not farted mid-lap causing a fraction of a millisecond’s worth of drag.

 

(Yes, people, it’s an OLYMPIC-sized, fart joke.)

 

Joke 2:

 

The Vatican is clamping down on the free thought of American nuns.  One nun responded off the record, by saying, “What are they going to do?  Put us in burkas?  We already voluntarily wear habits.  These sausages need to back off.”

 

(Hallelujah, Sister, Hallelujah!)

The biggest challengers to the Vatican yet…

 

Joke 3:

 

 

A personal favorite of mine, actress Lupe Ontiveros, passed away this week.  Upon reaching heaven, Lupe said to God, “I am your humble servant, but so help me You, if you make me play another maid.”

 

(Sizz-a-bow-wow!)

 

Star of “Chuck and Buck,” “As Good As It Gets,” “Selena” and more…Mejor dicho, un angel del cine.

 

Joke 4:

 

 

Katherine Jackson and Michael’s kids attended the Jackson Brothers’ “Unity” Tour.  When asked to comment on the irony of the situation, Katherine Jackson said, “Unity is for people who don’t want a reality show.”

 

(She-dang-dang.  She-biz-pow!)

 

Joke 5:

 

The stars of ABC’s hit, “Modern Family” are going back to work after negotiations helped to double their salaries.  Taking a page from their strategy, I’ve decided not to go into work today.  The plan seems to be going well, until Wifesy pointed out, “Technically, you don’t really have a job.”  I’m still waiting for a response from my invisible boss.  Sigh.

 

(Was that a joke?  I’m not sure.  Who cares.  Slap-a-do-dow!)

 

Thanks for playing along, everyone.  I have a juicy piece worked out for tomorrow.  I hope you’ll all come back to see a more invested post then.  As always, I’m grateful for your comments and your eyes on this blog.  Much love, Mother.

 

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Sweet Mother is on a mission towards 365 posts.  If you’d like to receive an email with new content, simply hit the “follow” button at the top of the blog.

 

**

Joke Week:

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

 

*

Photo credits:  NewOrleans-nuns, Lupe

 

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39 thoughts on “Joke Week, The Finale

  1. Only the Vatican has the balls to think they can clamp down on free thought. They just better hope the NCAA never gets to determine their penalty for thousands of years of boy-touching. They wouldn’t be bowl eligible until the 12,000 AD.

    1. oh.my.god.i.think.i.love.you. your comment is so dead on, i almost don’t know what to say, except, “TESTIFY!” which is what I would say to you if you said all that from the pulpit of a black church. you’re a rockstar, 1point, seriously, a rockstar. xo, sm

      1. Well….if you REALLY loved me, you’d read my latest entry in the 7 Deadly Sins contest, “Crystal Light and the Look of Lust”, illustrated by the author. If not, look for me at the First Baptist Church in Willingboro NJ every Sunday. I’ll be easy to spot – the big white guy in the back tapping his toes and clapping his hands out of time with the gospel music, and saying “Amen” at inopportune moments..

  2. Love the nuns joke and the earthquake board – we really got a lot more than 5 jokes in this post – what a bonus! And congratulations on your writing gig…here’s to many more [paying] gigs! xoM

    1. i really needed the respite, even though it has cost me both views and subscribers. it is, what it is. this blog is an experimentation and i stand by trying new things whenever i can. the people i truly like, though, stood by it and in the end, that’s all that matters. 😉 much love, sm

  3. My birthday is in January. Can you write a whole bunch of nun jokes for me? That would be the best present ever. K thanks 😉

    Congrats on the amazing writing gig! I keep imagining you writing the Desi Awards with Lucille Ostero a la Arrested Development.

  4. This collapsed Catholic (see, she still feels so guilty she still makes it a capital “C”) likes joke #2 best. And say, couldn’t you add a little pun or two to each of your coming posts, instead of giving up on jokes entirely?

  5. I would think that farting in the pool is illegal because it could serve as a form of propulsion and give Phelps an unfortunate advantage. In fact, I’ve heard he was going to finish 5th or 6th, until he farted.

    Congrats on the writing gig!

    1. tanks, misspelling intended. ;0 it’s alright. not the end all and be all dream gig, but a paid one nonetheless. meanwhile, I’m trying to gain some – no-more-computer sanity. how are things in your world, cl?

      1. I can currently identify ever muscle I have for you. No, I haven’t taken an anatomy class; I went to the feckin’ gym. And worked out. For two hours. Today, I shall make up names for each of these muscles and they won’t be nice names. You’re first, Bitchy Bicep.

      2. ohhhhh, lawd. well, at least you’ve worked them out. i’d have to name my parts and their little fat buddies that have sprouted up near said parts. for example, stomach and stomach-satan. stomach-satan is the extra tire hanging off stomach. she’s an asshole.

      3. Remember the big meme in the Seventies in which some skinny bitch in a commercial asked you if you could pinch an inch? I’m fairly certain if all the inches that are pinchable on my body were laid end to end, they would reach to Tahiti. I also have stomach-satan, but I call her my muffin top. Her name is Muffy.But today, since she’s aching, her name Moaning Muffy. I want to watch the show you written. Did you write the whole thing or just certain parts of it? How do we know when it’s your words coming out of an actor’s mouth?

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