11 of the Worst Ways to Deal with Stress

I think these are 11 of the worst ways to deal with stress off the top of my head.  I hope that I didn’t engage in any of them today, but really, I’m not sure!  Anyway, enjoy my insanity.

1.  Telling your boss to feck off

2.  Slapping everyone you love with a piece of bologna

…this would make a good slapper.

3.  Shaking over small shit like you’re your own personal earthquake

4.  Holding enough tension in your a-hole to crack brazil nuts.  (walnuts are for amateurs.)

5.  Telling everyone you love to feck off and then telling yourself to feck off

6.  Honking indiscriminately while you are still in “Park”

7.  Getting so angry that your nipples cut a hole through your own shirt and then yelling at everyone who stares at your exposed nipples.

Really? I would be more proud of a Master’s degree, but what do I know?

8.  Sweating in someone else’s wedding dress.  (I don’t know what this means.  I can only assume you got so mad at your friend that you said, “Forget her, I’m going to jog and then put on her new dress.”)

9.  Tying a rubber band around your forehead and snapping it every time someone does something stupid.

10.  Drinking your way through the Gallo wineries, one vat at a time.

11.  Shaking a stuffed crocodile until the stuffing comes out.  Then sticking your own head into the crocodile’s head and wishing it would come to life.

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Photo credits:  bologna, nipples

38 thoughts on “11 of the Worst Ways to Deal with Stress

  1. I recently returned from vacation where one of my stops was at a Mexican Tequila factory. We were able to sample unlimited flavors. This might be a bad way to deal with stress, too. Or a good way, depending on how you look at it…

  2. I must confess to a tremendous temptation to mix and match two or three of those together. They almost seem like a salad bar of stress-coping delights, and I have so much room on my plate….hmmm…I feel like shaking like my own personal earthquake while slapping nipples with bologna (that lunch meat is just glistening in the pic…good for slapping)…perhaps tying a stuffed croc’s head to mine with a rubber band while drinking me some Gallo…the possibilities are endless.

    1. all of these are wonderful variations, 1point. i’m only sorry i didn’t think of them me self. bwwaaahhha. sigh. it was my posty-cathartic version of trying not to off myself today. xo, sm

  3. I knew a woman who pissed off another mommy by criticizing her parenting skills. A week later, Ticked Off Mom was caught trying to breastfeeding my friend’s baby. Vengence via nipple. Never good.

    1. holyfeckin’shit. that’s insane. i don’t think i would ever get so mad that i would breast feed someone else’s baby, but who knows, maybe i just haven’t become that angry yet? lol. i loved this comment, let’s just say. xoxo, sm

  4. Stress, must be going around. I just told my hubby that before I came home I was going to first drive off a cliff. I think I’ll settle for slapping myself in the face with bologna. Less deadness.

    1. ok, i was stuffing a sandwich in my face as i read this and dreading going back to my freelance gig currently because the man who runs it is a giant head case and he’s going to have a stroke out his a**hole and i’m doing everything in my power not to go down with him… and that’s when i read your comment and i laughed and for a couple of mins, it was all okay. that’s what you do, 7, that’s what you do. xo, sm

      1. I hardly drink anymore (when I got sick last year I was on too many meds that said you shouldn’t drink so I listened – and I’ve just gotten out of the habit now) but I do like to eat. Luckily, most of my meals are well balanced and low in calories so I am able to indulge in snacks without worrying too much about weight gain. I still like to swear and throw (not through) things though. And it’s super fun when my back muscles knot up and cause me excruciating pain.

  5. So I am totally having this awfully horrible painful stressful day and then I see this. I am laughing so hard my sides hurt. Now, who do I know that is getting married and how can I get a hold of that stuffed crocodile?

    1. i know, right, liz? is there a wedding shop we can raid? i think it’s the right thing to do because people shouldn’t do this sh*t to us!!! i’m telling you… my whole gig is over this week, so i keep saying you can do anything when it’s temporary… sigh. anyway, stay strong lizzie, stay strong. xo, momma

  6. I’m glad to say I’ve never done any of these. But isn’t slapping people with bologna part of a German dance….? No? It should be.

    Personally, I hope writing a great post like this was a great way for you to work off the stress. 🙂

  7. I can name people who I’d like to slap with bologna because they make me want to snap rubber bands on my head after my hard nipples ripped through my shirt in anger at their stupidity. Now, I’ll just say this long sentence and laugh at the ridiculous image that comes to my mind instead.

  8. All of these are very bad ideas, nonetheless I want that tee shirt and I promise to wear it bra less. I still have great tits at nearly 55 thanks to my doctor who corrected what gravity destroyed.

  9. There’s only one problem with #9: you end up getting punished twice. First, by having to deal with the stupidity, second by getting snapped
    (it’s still a funny thing to picture though)

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