You’ve Been Depped.

Johnny Depp can make you straight.  Well, if you’re a gay girl, that is.  It seems this is the case, since Johnny has broken up with his longtime, french lover, Vanessa Paradis for ex-lesbo, Amber Heard.


Now, before you get all, “Women are the bargain hunters of sexuality.  Throw in a Kohl’s gift card and a famous penis and every woman is straight…”  Before you get all like that, I just want to say that even straight men are not immune to the sexuality-switching powers of Johnny Depp.  I know this because I found a hardcore, metal band full of straight dudes called, “Gay for Johnny Depp.”  And here they are…

This band excites me as if I were a pre-teen and they were the Backstreet Boys.


Okay, let’s get back to the ladies.  So, you’ve heard of the term, “gay maker,” right?  Well, the inter-webs are a flutter with a new term, “a straight maker” or in the case of women everywhere, it’s just easier to say, “I’ve been Depped.


Here’s what happens when you’re a gay girl and you get Depped and I mean Depped, hard.


You go from tripping the light fantastic lady-style to tripping it Depp-style, which is dirtier and involves more pomade.  You give up your Birkenstocks or Crocs for a pair of these:

These beat the Birks any day…


You smash all of your Ani DiFranco CDs into bits and use the remnants as makeup blending palettes.  You spend the rest of your time applying makeup to your new boyfriend, hoping you can make him look like this:

or this:


Okay, I say the above in jest.  True, this actress, Amber Heard, seems to have moved from the lesbian side of the Kinsey Scale to the Depp side.  However, I think we are all missing a very valuable point here.  It’s less that Johnny Depp is a straight maker and more that moving from a French woman (Depp’s former love, Vanessa) to a lesbian, is really not that much of a leap at all.  Let me demonstrate.


Comparative analysis (based on zero research) between your average, French woman and your average lesbian:


Finding A:  French women often do not shave their armpits.  Lesbians often don’t shave anything.


Finding B:  French women enjoy wine and cheese.  Lesbians enjoy wine and cheese and the occasional baguette.  (Though they skip the baguette in Los Angeles, too many calories.)


Finding C:  French women love Edith Piaf.  Lesbians love Edith Piaf and often wish she were a gay.

Come on, Edith, you couldn’t have queered off, even once, for us… say with Catherine Deneuve??


Finding D:  French women speak french.  Lesbians enjoy the movie, “French Twist.


Finding E:  French women don’t like deodorant.  Some lesbians only wear Tom’s of Maine.

This is not a deodorant. This is the smell of a corpse following you around for days. I know, I’ve tried it.


Finding F:  French women smoke cigarettes (Gualoises).  Lesbians smoke cigarettes (Marlboro Lights).


I don’t smoke because it never sits well with my asthma inhaler, but these do look fancy…


Finding G:  French women like berets.  Lesbians like hats.


A subtle statement on one’s sexuality provided by a haberdashery.


Finding H:  French women enjoy a topless beach.  Lesbians enjoy a topless beach.  (I mean, who doesn’t enjoy a topless beach?  Oh, yeah, gay DUDES!!!)


Finding I:  French women like bicycles.  Lesbians like motorbikes.

“Would you like to go on a picnic, Mon Cheri?”


Finding J:  French women like Paris.  Lesbians like Paris.  (I mean, who in the feck doesn’t like Paris?)


Conclusion:  French women like Johnny Depp.  Lesbians like Johnny Depp.


Case closed.  It’s simple, really, when you think about it.


And for the sense of humor-less out there, none of this is based on fact.  It is all a gentle ribbing.  If you can’t laugh at the Frenchness and the Gayness in all of us, then what in the hell can you laugh at?  And do I think Johnny Depp could turn all lesbians?  No, of course not.  Wifesy and I will remain married even if Johnny Depp comes over to our house tomorrow and undresses.  Though we’d probably watch him to do it and request that he sing one of Vanessa’s songs in French while doing so.  It would just disappoint us both too much not to request the serenade and it would amuse us endlessly to watch a Johnny-style, French, striptease.  We are forever gay like that.



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Photo creds:  gayfordepp, depp-feature, boots, deppinalice, deppasscissor, edith, toms, frenchiecigs, dykehat, dykeonbike


58 thoughts on “You’ve Been Depped.

  1. Maybe Vanessa will cross to the lesbian side… After all she is French 🙂 would’t that get Johnny’s knickers all twisted!!!

      1. bwwaaahhhha, this string of commentary gave me great joy. i also thing scorsese and dicaprio are banging’ but what do i know. and i’m sure i spelled scorshizow wrong, but i ain’t fixin’ it. xoox, sm

    1. no, it ain’t! did you see my oscar piece got fp’d again? we are seriously going to have a wordpress pow wow over beers when i come up there… seriously. i think you need to be on it, i’m just saying’… xo, sm

  2. I have French within my ancestral lineage. I think JD is a bit over-rated now, but I do love to listen to Edith Pilaf and I love Tom’s mouthwash. Motorcycles – no, Vespas, yes. Wine and cheese — always.

    1. i saw on dlisted a blog i friggin’ love and wish i wrote that ‘johnny depp is starting to look like a lesbian from new mexico.’ i nearly died i thought it was so funny… and yes, wine and cheese forever! xo, sm

  3. hahhahha…brilliant comparison … loved it 🙂

    “And do I think Johnny Depp could turn all lesbians? No, of course not. Wifesy and I will remain married even if Johnny Depp comes over to our house tomorrow and undresses.” ultimate punchline Sweet Mom..

    1. I’ve only ever seen one Nigella program on TV, and it was the one where she said the tart line. Given what that woman does to me I’ve never been brave enough to watch another….

    2. That is brilliant! And now I have totally forgotten what I wanted to say about Sweet Mother’s post…

    3. Meh…I’m going to be the odd one out and say ‘no way’! Have you actually tried any of her recipes? I did. Once. Didn’t enjoy it at all.

  4. Am I the only hetero woman on earth who doesn’t have the screaming thigh sweats for Johnny D? I mean, he’s a nice-looking guy, but he doesn’t do it for me at all. Am I broken?

    1. No you’re not. I’m the same way. He always looks disheveled and although that may transmit as “sexy” on the screen, in real life I think, not so much. Like I said above, I think he’s overrated, but that’s just me. I just wish I’d thought of “screaming thigh sweats,” Weebs, that’s hilarious.

  5. You always make me laugh hard enough for the dog to look at me sideways. 😀 Thanks for the JD heads up though. I knew he wasn’t with his baby-momma anymore, but I hadn’t heard about Amber Heard. I did hear that he jumped on stage with The Stones the other night. Something about a mid life crisis, blah, blah, blah. All I know is the man is sex on legs.

  6. It would be very upsetting to let everyone know that Johnny is mine, and has been for nearly 22 years. Everyone who knows me, knows this. If you saw my laundry room, you’d know for sure. My kids grew up seeing Johnny pics in the laundry room. Hell, if I’m folding most of the laundry, I’m sure gonna be happy doing it… So, just thought you should no mom, he’s mine. Stay lesbian. 😉

  7. It must only be straight women who don’t like Mr Depp, I mean really? He doesn’t really have an azz to speak of, nope not a thing to fill jeans with, nothing; just a pretty boy that is it. Maybe it is me, perhaps so.

  8. Lesbians often don’t shave anything? I will stick with bisexuals, thank you. 😉
    And wouldn’t a lesbian who enjoys a baguette once in awhile, be called a bisexual? Just sayin. 😛
    I think Johnny Depp is a hottie but he’s vertically challenged and for a woman almost 6′ tall, I find that a bit of a turn off. 🙂

  9. I’ve been a Johnny Depp fan since he starred in 21 Jump Street. Yes, I know that was a long time ago but this man is the quintessential Peter Pan! He just gets better with age. I’ll stop drooling now. 😦

  10. I don’t know if it was all the gay in this post, but my brain kept reading the name of Depp’s new lady-love as Amber BEARD and I’d think, “Wait, wait, is that hilarious or what?” And then I’d see that it was HEARD and be disappointed. 🙂

  11. Also, wait, Depp if 49 and she’s 26. He’s breaking the half-your-age-plus-seven format, which, sadly, makes him a creeper in my eyes. Boo, Johnny Depp. Boo.

  12. Hahahaha. THIS post should be FP’d! Brilliant and funny. You’re so forever gay, and I’d be too if I had Amber Heard! 😉 xo

  13. My FAVORITE post of yours, ever. Ahhhh!! Lesbians and French women, what a genius comparison. I know so many straight men who would go gay for Johnny Depp. I think the better question is, who WOULDN’T!?

  14. I’ve been saying I’d go straight for him for years. Especially if he dressed all dirty pirate for me. But that’s where I draw the line…Johnny Depp or bust. I’m as gay as the next woman who decides to marry another woman and live happily ever after but hell a bit of Johnny perv…well….

      1. Absolutely. Listen I’d never divorced Dear Wife over JD but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that he was definitely of my “little box of dirty fantasies.”

        And yes JD really did play guitar for Marilyn Manson. I have a friend who shares my taste in music and JD. We were like love sick teens at a Bieber concert. And somehow knowing JD is friendly with MM madra him even hotter. I’m a sucker for a bad boy, or bad girl.

        Speaking of bad girls…Gina Gershon as Corky in Bound…just saying…

  15. I guess a “gay Paree” joke would be too obvious here.
    JD seems to fly the androgyny kite pretty well. He appeals to all genders because he is no gender, or some other super duper profound BS that comes from my sphincter. To we even have confirmation that he has a penis? I need proof. In person.

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