Do You Newsletter?

Last night I was hosting a comedy show.  When hosting I try to do new and “in the moment” stuff as much as possible.  So, I started making fun of the woman who produced the show – in a good natured way, of course.  The woman has a MASSIVE email list and leverages it quite well and often.


It got me thinking…about newsletters.

“I really think you should switch to gmail. No one uses aol anymore. It’s makin’ you look crazy!”

I have one – an email list of names collected, painstakingly, over many years in comedy.  I email them every now and again to mention upcoming shows and other things I might want to promote.  The majority of my mailing list folks are located in New York because that’s where I originally did most of my shows.  New York is also where I was very vigilant about keeping a list.  Now, I’m not as vigilant about it.  The list has about 4,000 names on it – give or take.  Now, I’m sure some of those emails are dead, meaning people move from a yahoo or a gmail account or they go off the grid and hike the Appalachian trail.  Doesn’t matter where they’ve gone, just that their email is going to go bouncy, bouncy.  I currently use “mail chimp” for the mailers that I barely send, but I’ve pretty much tried all bulk email clients.  Mail chimp hates bouncy, bouncy email addresses and yells at me about it often.  It makes me want to tell the mail chimp monkey to get the f off my back.


Now, I haven’t sent an email newsletter in a while because I simply got tired of doing it.  People would “unsubscribe” often, which is to be expected.  However, some people would even go so far as to yell at me for an email list that they signed up for.  When, simply, all they had to do was hit the very convenient, “Unsubscribe” button.  Their “unsubscribe me” tirades always make me respond with a short note.  Usually something like this:


Dear Angry at Me for Sending the Thing that You Opted-In for,


There’s an “Unsubscribe button” at the bottom of the email there.  Hit that and you and I never have to interact, Sweetness.  See, doesn’t that make life much easier?  (When I say, “sweetness” what I really mean is…JACK-HOLE.)


All the best to you in the black hole that is your life,


Sweet Momma

Remember when we used to send sh*t this way? No? Neither do I.


It usually stops the back and forth, but it’s annoying nonetheless.  As a result, I haven’t sent many group emails as of yet.  But, if my book goes that will all change, as I’ve heard the biggest promoter these days must be the author.  So, if you write something, now you’ve got to sell the thing too.


I think a lot of times people forget that they’ve signed up for an email list and that is part of the problem.  But, it is often only part.  Sometimes a person’s inbox is simply inundated.  Regardless, it’s funny how people get online.

I don’t think all this email is annoying at all. I think it’s colorful like an acid trip.


As such, I have often wanted to survey the people on my list and other people’s lists to see why they joined in the first place.  And when they stay on the list – for years even – I want to know what makes them do so, but in a tongue and cheek way, of course.


My sarcastic survey would go something like this:


1.  Dear xxx@gmail, with what frequency would you like to receive our email?

a.  usually
b.  never
c.  enough to know you’re alive, but not enough to be involved in your life
d.  once per lunar cycle

2.  Dear xxx@gmail, would like to receive your email newsletter:

a.  usually
b.  never
c.  only if it mentions you?

3.  Dear xxx@gmail, what entices you about our newsletter?

a.  you promised to read my blog
b.  you send only one email per year (and usually it’s a good one)
c.  you are giving away free shit

4.  Dear xxx@gmail, why did you join our list?

a.  you offered me free shit
b.  i want to know how a punk like you became successful
c.  this is a fake account and i want to win tickets
d.  this is a fake account called, “,,” or something equally original.  i use it to sign up for all email lists.
e.  i like you.  you make him smile.  and this allows me to stalk you from the comfort of my own home.


I also love it when you “unsubscribe” to an email list and it asks you why.  There is something about this that feels like the email list itself is pouting or whining for you to stay.  There is something electronically desperate about it.


I think it would be better if we gave some more interesting choices for that subject too.  So, here we go:


1.  xxx@gmail has decided to unsubscribe from your email list because:

a.  the apocalypse is near
b.  you stopped sleeping with him/ her and he/ she no longer fives a feck about you
c.  your email is annoyingly, overly, self promotional and if xxx@gmail has to hear about how well you’re doing one more time, xxx@gmail may drink a cyanide cocktail
d.  xxx@gmail is dead.  sorry, but it it’s hard to read an email from the beyond.  there’s always a bad connection.


What about you?  Do you send email newsletters?  If so, what email client do you use?  And if you’re on the receiving end of a lot of email newsletters, do you like getting them or do you immediately hit “delete”?


Sweet Mother is updated daily-ish.  If you’d like to receive an email when new content is published, simply hit the follow button at the top of the blog.


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Photo credits:

feature, junkmail, letter-fence, flamingos

33 thoughts on “Do You Newsletter?

    1. i posted so late today, give them all time! lol. and, now, THIS is shocking. wordpress is for some reason making me APPROVE you. ohhhhhh, rue the day! what has wordpress done? do they not know that le clown has an ‘all access pass’? did you get momma’s canadica email? i just sent it…

      1. jesus christ, i feckin’ love the facebook page. it looks awesome. what about an image of both flags meshed together somehow…of that canada/america facepaint job that’s on my blog post might work… absolutely love it though…xoxo, beck, i mean, sm

      2. SM,
        I’ve looked for a few images… I think The Ringmistress is working on a homemade profile picture… Cause that’s how special Canadica is… Magnificent like a Canadian Apple Pie.
        Le Clown

  1. I don’t newsletter, therefore I know not of these email clients you speak of. Canadica sounds like a fungus that I want so, so, so bad.

  2. I subscribe to newsletters to get an idea, over time, what’s up. Then I stay subscribed waaayyyy too long, because there might be something I might be interested sometime and, besides, my delete button works fine, thank you very much. Then my delete button is the first choice instead of the last choice and I know I have to unsubscribe. I don’t know why I wait so long. Generally, it’s not as if the mailers know me personally, they couldn’t pick me out of a line up if someone pointed me out! So, I’m learning to unsubscribe sooner…Good luck with Canadica! Since my passport is neither U.S. nor Canadian, I’ll be the devoted reader! xoxoM

    1. i’m with you, margs. i tend to hit the delete over the unsubscribe, which sometimes i think is a good thing. and then other times, like when i look at my inbox numbers and it seems i always have 2,000 or more email regardless of what i do and what i delete…then, i think, you are an idiot – UNSUBSCRIBE to some stuff! xoxo, sm

  3. I’m late commenting and didn’t get to post today! I applaud you for doing so, SM. I haven’t subscribed to any online newsletters but maybe I should. I have used Constant Contact to send them though. Glad your gig went great, moms.

    1. i’ve used constant contact before too. that was my mass mailing client for years. i switched to mail chimp bc with my list they were so expensive, like $50 per month and that just feels like too much. sigh, i know i’m going to have to start emailing again and i really, really don’t want to. i have to find a way to make it fun… xo, sm

  4. I somehow got on the Christian Broadcasting Network’s newsletter list, and it has been, to use a sweetmother phrase, amazeballs. Do you know you can submit an online prayer request?

    Dear God of the Internet,
    Please stop my explosive diarrhea. Say :) to baby Jesus for me.

  5. Whenever the email asks me why I’m unsubscribing, I always feel like it’s because its therapist told it to ask me. Like in AA when the person has to go around and apologize to everyone and ask what else it did to slight you in the past.

    1. i know there’s something very sad when it asks you why. i refuse to have one of those questionaire thingies on mine, unless i can say, “you’re unsubscribing? fine, go. let’s not make a big production out of it.” but, there are no ‘auto-forms’ that say that… lool. xo, sm

  6. I should’ve figured that you do comedy ;)

    I do like receiving newsletters from certain brands and authors but I am not a huge fan of ‘forced’ email newsletters or spammy ones! For instance, I still read newsletters from Jeff Goins and brands such as American Apparel!

  7. Ever tried unsubscribing from Fecking damn near impossi-balls. Grrrr.
    It took me over 12 months to get them to stop, and I was saving all their emails that I had hit the button on in a separate folder for passing to a lawyer if needed. (harrassment?)

    Also, I think you missed a gimme in your survey…

    1. Dear xxx@gmail, with what frequency would you like to receive our email?
    …. Once per (women’s) cycle so that I can print it on soft paper and use it as a rag.

    1. yeeeeeeeesssss, oh, mee, mee, mee, what a glorious gem! bwwwaaahhhhha. i signed up for back when i was actually in the uk and i can NOT get them to stop. and their unsubscribe button does NOT feckin’ work. it’s a mindshatterin’ quake fest of annoyance. well, you know what i mean. ;) sm

  8. I have used both Mail Chimp & Constant Contact. Rarely. It is a fight with all the…”people in the know” (for lack of what I would really like to call them) that I have frequently. I consider these types of emails to be nothing more than spam but those “people” insist that you have to do it. I hate sending them.
    When I receive one of these it is always one of the easiest things for me to delete to help get my inbox down to being manageable. I rarely read them, and if I subscribed to one I don’t remember why or when and suspect it was cleverly disguised as something else.

    1. i know. this is my worry with them. they DO come off as spammy. however, every now and again, one gets you just right. my friend recently had his book launch. he sent a newsletter email about it. i clicked on it and looked through every single thing he included. i also liked every, SINGLE, thing he included. he had a video book trailer, a new website, and the book cover — it all looked great and really sold the product. i would buy the guy’s book anyway because he’s my friend, but i’m telling you – the marketing materials sealed the deal. and for us, writers, that is something… sigh. xoxo, sm

      1. I think the question becomes…if you didn’t know the guy, if you weren’t his friend, would you have reacted in the same manner. You were already going to buy the book because he is your friend so this package did not sell you, you were already sold. Perhaps your reactions was to validate your decision to buy the book. Who know? Just playing devils advocate here ;-) (I like doing that).

  9. hahahah this is funny Sweet Mom … :)
    i think i have subscribed to few emails and i dont really mind them..even i dont read them…but yes i think my blackberry will definitely die someday due to the constant unread email number hanging on the screen… :P

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