Oh, yes, the moment you have all been waiting for has nearly arrived. On September 5th, a child is born. She is the Nation State of Nonsense, the Queen of Detroit and Ontario, she is THE WORLD’S LONGEST UNDEFENDED BLOG (thank you, SL), she is…CANADICA.
This Wednesday, one post will magically appear per week discussing ALL things America and Canada or Canada and America, depending upon from which side of the fence you see things. One yankee, Sweet Mother, will start us all off, followed by an excellent Canadian, followed by an American, followed by a Canuck, and so on. It will be rambunctious, it will be stupendous, it will have a horrible case of ridiculitus, in a way that only Canadica can.
So, take a moment to change your life and follow…
As a work up, promotional extravaganza, to celebrate the launch of Canadica, I will be talking about obscure Canadian and Canadian-American-ish things on here. Everything on Canadica should be taken as FACTS. All are facts culled from the extremely reliable and well vetted interwebs and from the informational files downloaded by a tech-geek with military clearance who stole some confidential U.S., “Canada Files” while listening to a Lady Gaga CD.
Once caught, the tech-geek was scolded by his commanding officer with the following: “You stole the confidential files on Canada? What’s wrong with you? That’s like cheating on a pregnancy test.” The boy was humiliated and then severely reprimanded. After which, he was forced to watch nothing, but Celine Dion’s Eurovision performance on continuous loop. Today, he still can not drink from a spoon.
Okay, let us begin. Obscure Canadian-American Relation-ish Facts, Part 1:
1783: The U.S. Revolution is over and the British are forced out. Those that refuse to leave are forced up to, “British North America.” The treaty of Paris is signed between the United States and Britain forming the border between the U.S. and Canada. The Americans declare, “And don’t you ever bring your crumpety crumpets and biscuity biscuits past this line, EVER, again.” To which the British soon to be Canadians replied, “And don’t bring us your feckin’ McDonald’s! We don’t want it! Even though it tastes like the heavens…”
1812: There’s a war in 1812. It involves Americans going up into Canada with their guns and shouting. The British and Almost-Canadians meet the army with frowns and horrible body language. The Americans retreat, exhausted.
1867: 50 some odd years later, Canada forms a union. It is made up of Canada East, Canada West, Nova Scotia, and Brunswick. The Americans below roll their eyes with a, “take your time about it, why don’t you?” To which the Canadians respond with a frown and a grimace that says, “Back the feck off and mind your business.” Both do so for a time.
1876: The U.S. Army runs Sioux chief, “Sitting Bull” up into Canada. Canada protects him. A few decades later, he comes back. He’s not sitting this time. He is standing and he is pissed. Americans shrug.
1903: The Alaska situation is settled. The Prime Minister is upset. He mutters, “That shit was ours.” The Americans ignore it. In a “no tell, motel” along the side of a country road a man leaves ejaculate on the hem of a prairie skirt hung over the edge of a bed. No one realizes that the next time he won’t miss and generations down the lane, Sara Palin will emerge. The world cries.
There’s a war. Ford opens Ford-Canada. Canada makes cars. Canada starts selling more stuff to the U.S. then the U.K.. The U.K. is annoyed. The Canadians look at them and say, “What do you want, this shit is closer.”
1929: Canadian population tops 10 million. American population tops 120 million. Canadian census takers mutter, “feckin’ wankle-bangers.” Americans say, “Yes, yes, beautiful country, but how about you put some feckin’ people in it?!”
1938: President Roosevelt promises to protect Canada if she gets invaded. Prime Minister King loves this. Roosevelt and Prime Minister King get all chummy, they almost canoodle publicly. No one finds it odd that the Prime Minister has the surname “King.” In Britain, they laugh, saying, “We’ll make that place an oligarchy if in name only!” Americans don’t get the joke, as the internet hasn’t been invented and no one can look up oligarchy. Roosevelt and King continue to spoon. In Rosie’s memoirs, he refers to this moment as, “The King and I” period.
Okay, tomorrow, I will take you further down the historical path of Canadian-American-ish things. Remember, CANADICA comes to life on September 5th.
Don’t miss it. It will change your life. FOLLOW CANADICA BY CLICKING HERE NOW.
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