What Happens When You Don’t Eat for 9 Days…

So, I’ve blathered on and on here about weight loss and about how it’s one of my goals.  I haven’t done so in a while because I decided to stop talking about it and start doing it.  One of the first promises I made to myself is that I wouldn’t talk about it on here until at least 7 days of my initial Phase 1 had passed.  Well, they have and now I’m going to blather.


Some of you may have seen “hints” of what I was embarking on in my Coffee, A Love Story post.  The cold truth is, I didn’t only give up coffee — I GAVE UP FOOD.  Actual, chewable, food.  Now, calm it down.  I’m not on a food strike like Gandhi or a Turkish prisoner.  I did not do one of those cayenne pepper, mixed with water, and agave syrup fasts.  I tried one of those once and lasted about 8 hours.  Everyone I knew was like, “Eat, Sweet Mother, just eat.  You’re a b*tch.”  As my friend put it after I threw in the towel 8 hours later, “That wasn’t a fast.  You were just between meals.”


This time, however, I did it.  Truly.  I accomplished a juice fast.  Nothing, but ever lovin’, muthafeckin’ fruit and veggies juiced in a juicer for 9 days.  I have, as of the moment I’m writing this, lost 10 lbs.


But, you know what I miss?  FOOD.


There’s supposed to be some kind of euphoria, but I promise you, I’ve missed it.  You feel full, but not satisfied, if that makes sense.


Wifesy has been doing it with me.  I think she’s a skinny thing, but she’s convinced she had a tiny buddha belly she wanted to juice away, so she joined me.  Believe it or not, I had an easier time than she did.  Well, that’s not totally true.  In the beginning, neither of us had a good time.  Day 1 and 2 were hell, utter hell.  Your body is detoxing and will act out in any way it can.  Mine decided to throw me a blinding headache that had me lying in the fetal position on the couch.  I knew it was partially the food detox and partially the caffeine detox.  But, I will say this – I have tried to kick caffeine before and it was easier while juicing.  In other words, I’ve gone off coffee and had a headache for weeks.  Whereas, while I was juicing – two days and it was gone.  I can only assume it happened faster because I was replenishing my body with a ton of nutrients instead of shite.  Wifesy, on the other hand, had a crippling headache for almost 3-4 days and the poor thing had to go to work.  I work from home, usually, and it’s easier when you can control your environment.  When Wifesy was at work, she had to contend with lunchtime.  (The most brutal meal for the juicer is any one that is social.)  And even the cool people at work were d*ckbombs.  By day 6 and 7 they were literally taunting her with chicken sandwiches and chocolate chip cookies.  I am telling you, I would not have survived.


But, survive it we did and tomorrow we’re going back to some solid food.  We’re not getting all crazy and going out for beer and chicken wings (a favorite of mine), but we are adding in some food to the regimen.


Then after a day or two, we’re starting up the P90X like two middle aged wack-a-loons.  It’s like we’re dudes who have experienced erectile dysfunction for the first time, but instead of going out and getting Lamborghinis we’re working on some new bodies.


Phase 1 of P90X is all about high protein, low carb, good fats, and a killer workout.


I know we’re going to do well on it because I like a good workout.  I’ll probably talk about it minimally on here, but I’m sure I will talk about it.


It’s interesting to me.  When I first thought about coming up with a blog just for creative writing, initially, I thought I’d write a fitness blog.  Rather a, “my road to fitness blog.”  I looked at a lot of them.  One of my favorites was on tumblr called Ben Does Life.  I couldn’t (and still can’t) figure out how this dude got people to READ about his fitness goals on tumblr, but read they did because he sold a book on the subject.  Tumblr, for some reason, is amazing for physical, self-improvement type blogs, where all you have to do is search the word “fitness” and you’ll get a stream of images like these below.  I have captioned them for your pleasure…

Anna Kournikova after she breaks up with Enrique Iglesias, dyes her hair black, and takes up body building.

Anna Kournikova after she gets over Enrique and says, “Feck this, I can have everything that Jessica Simpson has.”

This girl wants to hate-feck that tire.


I don’t know if I will look like this after the P90X, but I can promise you I will tell you about it.  Tee, hee.


Much love,





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Coffee, A Love Story



Photo creds:

featurepic, allotherfitnesspics


41 thoughts on “What Happens When You Don’t Eat for 9 Days…

  1. I always feel I have a little too much tummy, even though I’m not overweight by any reasonable measure. And I’m on what I call the grad school diet or the holy shit that’s so not healthy diet of three coffees all day and then a heavy dinner. So I totally understand the you’re not on a diet; you’re just between meals statement.
    I don’t think I can replace my one solid meal with juice. Combine that with quitting coffee cold turkey and my blog will develop a disgruntled-postman-like motif.

    1. Loooool. Believe me, I almost lost it a couple of times, big time. And I think Wifesy was on the verge of eating her fist. But, we made it through. I think when you’re in grad school, you just have to eat. Eat and think. Lool. That’s your only responsibility. Your Reggie is coming up shortly, btw, too. Much love, SM

  2. I’ve always envied people who set a target, and have the discipline and commitment to achieve it—be it a writing schedule or a fitness regimen. I know it’s conventional wisdom that you take time out to do things you really want to do, but I think it’s a lot more than that, coz that’s exactly what I lack.
    Keep up the good work. Would love to hear more on the P90X road to washboard abs :)

    BTW the hunger-strike guy was Gandhi not Ghandi!

    1. ugh, my bad. i constantly have typos this morning. it will be my third fix! but, thanks for pointing it out, ap. i will fix it immediately. as for the discipline, i don’t know. i think i have discipline at times and not at others. but, i do have this strange belief – based on nothing, but my gut, really – that if you get your body in line, some of the other pieces fall into place too. i’ll let you know if that truly happens. much love, mother

  3. I thought P90X was a video console and that seemed like an awesome way to diet. Just have my avatar do it while I cram fistfuls of potato chips down my gullet.

    I applaud your efforts. It’s probably better that Wifey is along for the ride. There’s nothing worse than drinking a pureed celery stick while your partner dines on pizza.

    I’ve tried two diets–mayo clinic diet and slimfast–both left me reeling. I think the worst was slimfast. I remember being able to get down the breakfast shake, but then gagging on the lunch shake when I swallowed a piece of that filmy stuff you usually find on the top of gravy.

    1. 777777777777777777, that’s what your name sounds like when i call it across a large field. i hear you, i was not liking the juice after a few days. it all tasted like f’ing sediment to me. literally, like top soil. but, i lasted 9 days. we were suppose to go 15. but, wifesy was going nuts. i think it’s because she has less weight to lose and i was surviving of waffles still left on my ass from ’66. ay yay yay. xo, sm

    1. i’m back to coffee! lol. went off it for a week, to make sure i could, but now i’m having a mainly decaf with one spoon of cafe in the morning. did you find the p90x worked for you? xo, sm

      1. I do parts of it with my trainer and it definitely works…most of my spine is fused, and I have a couple of other big ticket issues which makes it necessary for me to modify a bit, but it definitely works! Xo, m

  4. Sweet Mother, this is great and I wish you success. I did the cleanse/fast thing for 10 days once. After day four it was no problem. Getting to day 4 was torture. Caffeine withdrawal just blows! I give it up from time to time, but I always fall back into my wicked ways. Now that I’m in my forties I’ve come to realize there’s no hot bod waiting to emerge, but last year I did a sixty day Bikram yoga challenge. Now that damn near killed me.

    1. i’ve done that 60 day bikram thing! wait, i actually think mine was 30 days. 60 is cray-cray. loool. i will probably juice fast every couple of months, but for only around 3 days. longer than a week gets boring. it truly does. i’ll let you know how the p90x goes. xoxox, sm

      1. Cray-cray. Yeah. Sweated my guts out. Oh so good, but seriously kicked my cray-cray arse. Do you use a Vita Mix? I bought one thinking I was gonna get all kefir – flax seed / seaweed smoothie with my sassy self. Uh, yeah, didn’t happen. Now I just pull it out for margarita night.

  5. DW and I are heading off to a Dietitian soon. I’m sick of strangers saying “wow, twins and another one on the way?” My mental comeback is “No, I’m just fecking fat and stretched out of shape after pregnancy, Asshole!”

    So I’ve reached breaking point and it is time for us to get healthy and start eating well.

    1. you don’t eat well??!! i’m surprised by that, beth. simply because i’ve read what you feed those twins and you feed them healthy, healthy shit. anyhoo, the juice thing works if you need a kickstart. for me, it helped by breaking my addiction to junkfood and my need for a margarita every other day. it truly did do that. now, we’re trying to eat right all of us. wifesy REALLY wants to get fit and when that girls wants something, she gets it. that’s how she landed me, anyway. looooolll. good luck with everything and keep me posted as to how it goes. and lastly, people are giant a-holes. lol. much love, sm

      1. We eat well to a point bit there is a fight between what is healthy and what is nice. DW doesn’t want to eat wholewheat pasta or brown rice. And we tend to over eat.

        We did the juice thing for ages. It is great and it leaves us feeling good but it takes so much work to make juice every day.

        Now that the boys are older I might get back in the habit.

  6. Now I know what you meant about juice. My fitness pal has been my friend over the last 3 months and I’ve lost 17 lbs….but I miss pizza more than I ever imagined possible haha. Go you for having dedication! Look forward to reading more about it.

    1. lloooooool. yep. do you mean the app, ‘my fitness pal’? i have that too. i’m so lazy/ forgetful about tracking my food though. congrats to you for losing 17. i know how feckin’ hard that is! i’ll let you know how the p90x goes FER SURE. believe me, if it works, i’ll say it loudly…looool. much love, sm

  7. As much as I think you’re the bomb, I’m glad I wasn’t in your home for your guys’ juice fast. Seems like bouts of hypoglycemia could make one a bit testy…

    Good luck with the exercise regime. You know I loves me some good exercise, and I’m proud of anyone who tackles it and sticks with it. I’ll think of you when I do my burpees.

    1. burpees? i’m afraid of what in the feck that is. we’re adding food in now, so all is well. i called us the “bickersons” while we were on the fast because that’s all we did was bicker. then we ate and we were in love again. it makes you think though. for example, i don’t know how anyone survives actual starving like in a horrible refuge camp or worse. i mean we were full of fruit and veg and we were going nuts…

  8. I lost about 35 lbs on something called the “Pink Method”. It’s a diet and exercise program and it works. I’ve still got 13 lbs left to lose but it will take exercise and I’m just too feckin tired after work. :-P

  9. Oh my goodness, this reminded of my dear father’s juicing craze. He drank so much carrot juice he did literally turn orange. It was amazing. Hi, this is my orange, carrot-colored father. Isn’t he just glowing with healthfulness?

    A juice fast sounds so difficult. I know I could never do it. I get dizzy if I’m even 20 minutes late for a meal.

  10. Good luck with the program! I’m still working to lose a few more pounds, but those are the hardest ones, I think. I’m ramping up the exercise to try and burn them off. No could do the liquid diet! :)

  11. So it was you !?
    Stop it, SM, and get back to eating and drinking the old ways… you’re not dieting, you’re transplanting. I’ve suddenly ballooned recently, and so much that I’m developing man-boobies. :(
    But at least now I know who to blame!

    (Seriously?… well done you! xx )

  12. I am on Phase 3 right now and I have to say it is KILLER! I am not as ripped as those chicks in the pics above, but I am definitely seeing some serious results. Of course I don’t stick to the diet 100%, but I do count calories and keep my carbs low and my protein and fiber high. Let me know if you have any questions. I am always willing to help if I can. Best of luck!

  13. Becks, I don’t know how you did this but congrats. I can’t imagine giving up food and coffee at the same time. I work at home too so at least you weren’t around that many people to maim or kill as you went through withdrawals. Poor Wifesy, no wonder she caved. Juice and no food? Did you do yoga too? Please tell me it wasn’t that hot sweaty Bikram kind. Did that many times and tried to get in that zen place but the horrible sweat kept getting in my zen instead. Congrats on the 10 pounds — that’s awesome. Eat, girl, eat.

  14. Good for you mother for doing the juice fast! I’ve been thinking about doing a cleanse to detoxify, but am still on the fence. I just love food! Eating is one of the great pleasures in my life and I’m not sure I want to deny myself of that :)

  15. Oh kids, I’m 82 tomorrow, still weigh what i did in high school and yesterday at Shop Rite, a nice looking guy made a pass; offered his business card. My secret? Small meals, fruit to graze on-an apple a day-salad with sliced chicken with little or no dressing. Small helpings of everything. No biggie. And reach for your mate instead of your plate! Thanks for checking out my blog.

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