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A Horrible Case of Mistaken Identity

I learned something this morning.  Pluto is no longer considered a planet.  A committee of scientists got together and said, “Nope, you’re a dwarf.  Not a planet, Pluto.”  Turns out, a planet needs three things to be considered a planet.  1.  It needs to orbit its sun.  2.  It needs to be a sphere.  3.  It needs to clean its room.

 

Let’s discuss number 3.  Basically, there’s other shite lying around within the orbit of Pluto.  This won’t do.  A normal planet would suck all of this stuff out of its orbit due to its enormous gravitational force, but not Pluto.  No, Pluto is like a hard case on Hoarders.

 

Messy, messy, messy, Pluto. Maybe it’s time to go.

 

“Throw your shit out, Pluto.  It will heal you,” said the expert.

 

“No,” cried Pluto.  “I may need those.  I may need a case of disposable forks and knives.  And what if all of my pillow cases go missing at the laundry?  Then surely I will need those 2 dozen more to make up for them!”

 

“This is the problem, Pluto.  You never throw anything away,” said the guy with the degree in crazy.

 

“But, I may need them.  I mean, if you throw out a wishbone, doesn’t that mean your wish won’t come true?”

 

“You can hold it for a time, maybe.  But, Pluto, some of these wishbones date from before the conventional oven.”

 

“I know!  They are antiques.  You can’t throw out antiques!”

 

“Pluto, if you don’t throw something out, we’re going to have to declare you…no longer a planet.”

 

“Fine, declare it!  To hell if I care!”

 

“Okay, you’re no longer a planet.”

 

An official announcement was made in the way all official announcements are made, by placing a blurb in the paper.  The blurb read as follows:

 

Pluto is not what we thought he was.  He is a dwarf instead.  Therefore, you should no longer call Pluto, Pluto because Pluto is dead.

No one took the news too hard…except for…except for Miss M.  She read the headline as she flipped through her trashiest magazine while getting her knob-foot polished.

 

“Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear,” said Miss M.  She paid the knob polisher and texted Mickey on his phone at once.

 

Mickey arrived and she gave him the news.  He took it well considering and immediately told his dear friend who had been waiting patiently for him in the car.

 

This is worse than finding out Ashley Simpson doesn’t really sing.

 

“But, if I’m no longer Pluto, well, then just who in the feck am I?” he asked.

 

“I’m not sure,” said the old Mick.

 

This annoyed the dog who was once Pluto.  The most troubling day of my life and that’s your answer for me?  I’m not sure?  He thought.  Well, I’m not sure I like that same outfit you wear everyday.  I mean those red shorts with the big buttons?  Gay.  And those pompous white gloves?  Who do you think you are…a butler?  No.  You’re a feckin’ mouse.

 

As if sensing his thoughts, Mickey squinted his eyes and said, “I wear these gloves because I have scleroderma.  I’m missing a thumb and forefinger.  And maybe…just maybe, I don’t want to scare the feckin’ kids!!”

 

Pluto licked Mickey’s yellow shoes, as if to say, “I didn’t mean it, old buddy.  I’m just upset.”

 

Mickey laid a gloved hand around the dog who was once Pluto and said, “Don’t worry.  You’ll always be Pluto to me.”

 

A breeze whistled around the pair.  A small thump of a something fell in front of them.  It took a second to register.  It was a small bird.  A small yellow, bird.  It wasn’t dead.  Instead, it looked drunk or as if it had been bonked on the head.

 

A child walked by and whispered a, “hello.”  There was a name attached to that hello.  It took a second for the proper name to lodge itself in their hearts.  Once it did, there was no turning back.

 

“Oh, dear god…,” said Mickey.

 

“Why?  Oh, why?  I don’t like prematurely balding young boys!  Damn it!  Why, Christ?  Why?”

 

For they both knew the drunk, yellow, bird could only mean one thing…

 

Pluto…

 

Pluto…

 

…had become

 

SNOOPY.

 

You don’t know what you’re missing, dog-that-used-to-be-Pluto. THIS is the good life.

 

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Sweet Mother is updated daily-ish.  If you’d like to follow this blog, you can do so by following at the top right hand corner of the page.

 

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Photo creds:

feature, snoopy, micksandpluto, planet-man

 

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25 thoughts on “A Horrible Case of Mistaken Identity

  1. OK this is getting weird. First, The Waiting wrote a blog about Chili’s, which I went to yesterday. While we were at Chili’s we had a conversation about, wait for it, why Pluto is no longer a planet. I feel we would have had a much more fun discussion about it had I read this piece first.

    1. looool. yeah, i was SEARCHING for things to write about today and for some reason after reading a lot of things…it was pluto that struck me. pluto of all things, pluto. i almost can’t believe it. and i love the waiting. and i wish i were at chili’s right now…. ;)

  2. OMG, Moms, you are CRAZY creative! Freaking love this! When I was teaching kindy, the kids’ textbooks didn’t include Pluto as a planet. I know it’s no longer considered a planet, but it just seemed so wrong to omit it. It’s like saying Z isn’t a letter anymore.

    1. i’m just trying to fight the boredom, me thinks. loool. and spending much of my time thinking. sigh. i wish someone would pay me to think. lool. it does seem wrong, now, doesn’t it? i mean what’s next… mars is hot? i can’t take this any longer. first, sofia vergara and now i have to keep up with the likes of mars… i can’t do it! ;)

  3. I had wondered what happened to Pluto after it was stripped of its title. Now I know.
    So, you heard about the new astrological sign, right? A lot of people had their astrological sign change because of it. Maybe the missing planet had something to do with it.

    1. oh, lawd. i know nothing about astrological signs. i know there’s a problem with mercury rising, but that’s about it. i know i’m a leo with an aries rising and that ends that. it’s sad actually. should i give my vag back? lol. xo, sm

      1. No, I don’t know much about it either and my vag is going nowhere. I do know I was a Pisces before the new sign and remained one after the new sign. Most people however got bumped into something new and those who are “believers” freaked.

      2. “this vag is going nowhere.” ohdeargod. snorted out my nose. i think pluto is laughing that it freaked out the believers. loool. you are fun, mg. so glad you’re here. xoxo, sm

  4. I love this style of writing. It’s über creative.
    I can totally identify with Pluto. It’s not easy to get rid of stuff. You never know when that 2 year old Walmart receipt could come in handy……to dispose off your chewed up gum!

    1. that’s right! that’s right! you and pluto are kindred souls! lol. thanks for saying it was creative. i agonized over something creative to write and i was happy – hours later – when i finally came up with this idea. sigh. blogging is hard! loool. much love, sm

  5. I am struggling to come up with a comment remotely worthy for this post. Now the universe makes sense. The synapses are connecting. Pluto is dead – the Great Pumpkin is on his way.

  6. Epic. I am slowly making my way through your old posts. :D I figured out how I can reactivate the “Like” button when I veiw your blog: I just turned on my “Compatibility Mode” on my browser. (I.E., if you wanna laugh)

    When I grow up, I wanna be half as funny as you are. That *should* get me on Comedy Central.

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