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What the Feck is Wrong with David Blaine?

Okay, I get it, David Blaine is trying to be the next Houdini.  The problem is Houdini was not a human of the modern age.  He was a man who wore a full body leotard as a bathing suit without even a note of humor in it.  That’s what the men of the time did.  There wore crazy, full bodied bathing suits and top hats.  I’m guessing the car was just starting up.  There was very little television.  (…probably none, can you tell I’m not willing to do a google search for this piece?)  So, yes, BLOODY, OF COURSE, a magician was interesting.  People were bored sh*tless.

 

But, now there’s Breaking Bad, for feck sake.  There’s Hulu.  There’s Netflix.

 

So, David, stop electrocuting yourself (under the corporate sponsorship of Intel, of course) for entertainment-sport, as I understand your next stunt to be.  We don’t feckin’ need it anymore.  Even a child can amuse themselves with a gameboy!  You don’t need to stick an apparatus down your throat to see if it can bypass your lungs and help you to oxygenate your blood like a fish; all so you can preform the world’s longest ‘hold your breath underwater moment’ on Oprah.  No! It’s not necessary for you to do anymore because I have the feckin’ internet.  I can entertain myself for hours without you having to go to the hospital.

 

I can send an email or research any genus of slug in under 10 seconds.  That’s feckin’ magic.

 

What you’re doing is cray-cray.  I fear that you will not stop until you are dead.

 

I swear, I don’t get it.

 

I went to an amusement park as a child once.  A few of my cousins wanted to go up into the big, loopy, roller coaster.  They said, “Are you coming?”  And I said, “No.”  My one cousin looked at me and said, “But, I thought you were fearless.”  I said, “I feckin’ am, but I don’t need to prove it to you by riding on a sh*tty roller-coaster!  I mean, you know who controls those things?  Carnies.  And Carnies are synonymous with drunks.  So, if you want to get into a barely inspected, crash mobile, with Drunky McDrunkenstein at the wheel, well, that’s on you.  I’m going to stay here and eat some popcorn.  Alive.  The way I like it.”

 

Wifesy has gone skydiving.  I have no desire to do it.  I’ve done other things.  Cliff jumping, took a ride in a glider, took some military helicopter rides, etc.  But, I won’t do two things – skydiving or scuba diving.  Why?  Because I don’t feckin’ need to.  I have cable and a smartphone and a kindle.  There are 10,000 other ways I can “keep busy” and none of them involve dying.

 

But, no.  Not David, oh no.  Someone must’ve called David a “scaredy cat” once and clearly, he can’t feckin’ get over it.  He can’t feckin’ move on.  It’s unbelievable what he’s done.  I mean…

 

Let’s go over his resume, shall we?

 

  • Buried himself in a coffin for 7 days.  (I couldn’t even handle that shitty movie with Sandra Bullock, The Vanishing.)
  • Frozen in a block of ice for 63 hours  (After this stunt Blaine was taken to the hospital because he was undoubtedly going into shock.  It took him a month after the stunt, just to walk again.  I, on the other hand, can barely make it through a freezy headache brought on by a frozen drink of any kind.)
  • Standing atop a 22 inch wide pillar, 100 feet in the air for 35 hrs.  (Jumping down after his legs became week, Blaine suffered a concussion.  Sometimes I think about taking up the balance beam…and then I don’t.)
  • 44 days in a plastic box hanging near the Tower Bridge in London.  (Blaine had nothing, but 4 liters of water per day.  He lost 25% of his body weight.  He was taunted while he did this stunt.  Some a-hole flew a hamburger up next to his face.  His plastic box was pelted with eggs, lemons, and some major a-hole tried to spike his water supply with monkey urine.  Where in the feck does one even get monkey urine?  “Yes, Virginia, the world is filled with a-holes of every race and color imaginable.”  Personally, I survived 10 days on a juice fast, but wanted to kill everyone around me.  In all truth, I would’ve found that fecker with the hamburger and strangled him to death.)

Box is eerily the same size as my old, Manhattan, apartment. Ha, ha, he, he. I’m here all year.

  • Submerged himself in an 8 foot water sphere in Lincoln Center.  (Blaine comes short of breaking the world record for holding your breath here, but beats it later on.  I sometimes have trouble swimming under water from one end of the pool and back.  True story.)

I can’t even form words on an etch-a-sketch without being inside an aquarium…

  • Rotated on a gyroscope for 52 hrs near Times Square, escaped from handcuffs, and jumped down.  (I’m dizzy just sitting here.  To be honest, I try not to turn around too much at all.  It strains my neck.)
  • Hung upside down for 60 hrs above the ice skating rink in Central Park  (Every now and again I hang upside down in yoga class.  I see God after about 7 mins.  Apparently, that’s all I need.)

Yep, Trump even looks like an a-hole from this angle.

  • And now (in October), 3 days and 3 nights without sleep, standing on a platform, being jolted by electricity.  (I don’t even like static cling.  Not even a little bit.  In fact, I have a spray for it.)

 

Okay, is anyone else tired?  I’m glad David Blaine exists for the world.  But, I can honestly say, I’m so glad I’m not him.  I’m going to go and get myself a second cup of coffee right now without straining myself in any way.  And sometimes I like it like that.

 

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There is a fantastic new post by BradtheComedian, over at Canadica, right now.  You should check it out when you have the time.

 

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Sweet Mother is updated daily-ish.  If you’re new here, please click the “follow” button at the top, right of the page.

 

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Photo creds:

blaine-box, blaine-sphere, blaine-trump,

feature

 

48 thoughts on “What the Feck is Wrong with David Blaine?

      1. I don’t know, I’m just assuming that if you’re going to those kinds of extremes to prove yourself/make money/get laid, then you’re probably a pretty epic douchebag. But maybe I’m jumping to conclusions. From a plane. Without a parachute. On TV.

      2. llooooooollll. he gave quite an interesting ted talk and there’s something very humble about him in it. he actually feels that this sort of extreme thing brings him to a higher level of consciousness, in some ways. it’s like his form of meditation. but, then again, i feel like we’d all reach a higher state of consciousness if we have our oxygen supplies cut off for long enough, i mean, christ. he’s probably just high…

    1. Firenze??!!! ohhhhhhhhhh, jealous. having coffee tho. just like i said. therefore, i’ve met one goal today. i think that’s the new plan, keep ’em low. real low. loool.

  1. Is it bad that I had no idea of who you were talking about? I’m sitting here think who the heck is David Blaine? Is he one of the whack-a-doodle politicians in the US? Now that you have educated me on who he is I know he is not a politician…just whack-a-doodle. Thanks for that.

    1. looool. i thought he was pretty world famous! but, then again, I didn’t know who the hell honey boo boo was until the other day and now i can never unlearn that either… at least blaine is less harmful than honey, me thinks…. oh, lawd. oh, lawd.

  2. Can’t stand him. Don’t get him. Desperately waiting for him to fall into obscurity. Maybe that could be his next trick!

  3. As (maybe?) one of the only Americans to comment on this post, I have vivid memories of being able to stay up past my normal bedtime when I was a child on nights that David Blaine was doing his stunts… even my 7-year-old self thought (aka knew for certain) he was nutballs,,, :D

    1. i mean, completely nutballs. i wrote this one spontaneously today when i read about his glorious electrocution stunt that will be happening this october. i mean, can’t he just carve a pumpkin like everyone else? looooollll

  4. He’s just expressing himself :) Most people do that in private, like with a painting or dying your hair blue. To each their own.

    If you like coffee, check out my blog :)

  5. I like the way you think. No roller coasters or skydiving for me. While flying you’re already in the middle of a miracle, like Louis C.K. says. Your in the air…flying!! Why jump out and ruin it all?

  6. I’ve never been a magic fanatic (let’s face it, they are called “tricks” for a reason), but I’ve always liked Blaine ’cause I could never figure out the levitation trick (or any of the others for that matter) and cause he’s hot. Prolly the same reasons I like David Beckham…minus the levitation part (although I’m betting that’s relevant in the gay community).

    Drunky McDrunkenstein? lmao…I think I winked at him once and got an extra long ride. Fucking carnies. Gotta love em. :-P

    P.S. I am still not getting notices for new posts at Canadica. I’m only aware of it because you mentioned it at the end of this post.

    1. he is kinda cute, now isn’t he. i mean he’s both part puerto rican and a new yorker, so how can he not be??!! lool. i’m with you though, i’ve never been much of a magic fan. and penn and teller annoy the shit out of me. maybe because i’m a realist? who knows. okay, looking into the canadica thing. i’ll check the back thing and make sure you’re down as a follower. so strange. xoxo, sm

  7. It must really do something to ones psyche to be constantly thinking of more ways to endanger yourself. What is his home life like? Does he sleep suspended upside down over ravenous wolves? Or does he live in a padded safety bubble and only save the dangerous stuff for work?

    We have a guy who is living in a see through box on a public street for five days here (no bathroom breaks!) and when they announced it on the radio I had a nearly uncontrollable urge to go press my boobs against the glass or something. Fortunately sense prevailed, but I think the insane public works just invite doucheholery.

    1. oh.dear.god. nearly died at the boobs pressed to glass idea. much better than a hamburger, imho. lool. yeah, i wrote this one rather spontaneously. i can’t decide how i feel about the guy. but, i know when i saw the ‘i’m going to electrocute’ myself notice i was like, “stop. just stop.” lol. the guy reminds me of those ‘jackass guys’ that will give themselves a thousand paper cuts and then jump into a vat of rubbing alcohol. he’s like that only more grad school level. looool. thanks for reading, roller. xo, sm

  8. Just reading some of the things this nut has done made me queasy. Some people are just born with a faulty gene and they can’t get a rush unless it’s almost certain to kill them. I think David Blaine is one of those people. I just hope he gets paid well for it so there’s be something to distribute when it comes time to read the will. :(

    1. ooooh, i think he gets paid ooodles! so much that it required an extra ‘o’. lawd, i wrote this on the whim because i read about his new ‘voltage’ stunt coming up and i felt a rant coming on… ;)

  9. I’m sorry, but I don’t get it. He does not sound anything like a magincian. He does not sound anything like an escape artist. These stunts of his are not really stunts. He sounds like a masochist that is also an exhibitionist. It all sounds far more like self-torture and he wants to do it to entertain others.

  10. I actually like David Blaine. When he isn’t doing these big stunts he performs street magic, the kind of tricks that are up close and personal with no smoke and mirrors. He has traveled across the U.S. and the world doing this, and watching the television specials i find it amazing that no matter what culture or socio-economic class people come from, or even when a language barrier exists, the reaction to his street magic is a universal childlike joy. He has traveled to inner cities, to New Orleans after Katrina, to poor mountain regions, and performed tricks where he turns one dollar bills into hundred dollar bills. And he leaves the money with those struggling people who can barely believe what has happened. He grew up near Houdini’s home and has said that he viewed Houdini as an idol/hero ever since he was a child. My guess is that these stunts are an homage as well as publicity to raise the funding needed to continue his travels doing what he really loves, which is the street magic.

    1. i’m with you. i think he does lots of good through his street magic and i kinda like him for the most part. i suppose my only gripe and the point of this piece is that he nearly kills himself doing these stunts and that kinda bums me out. but, the sheer publicity (and money) that he gets from doing these undoubtedly lets him do the charity work that he likes to do and i hear he does lots of it… anyway, great comment. thanks for leaving it. much love, mother

  11. I am sorry to be a dissenting voice here, but I LOVE David Blaine. Granted, I know him mostly for magic tricks, and never heard of 75% of the stunts you mention here.
    Plus, yeah – some people just have that in them. That need to almost kill themselves. Got a friend like that – and it’s so not easy on his girlfriend.

    But:
    1. The guy is hot.
    2. His magic tricks are awesome.
    3. The guy is hot.

    Thank you.

      1. to me, i find a certain level of it exciting. for example, i liked the plastic box stunt. i liked the idea of no food and very little water for an extremely long amount of time because i think there’s something valiant in that pursuit… but, the almost drowning and burying yourself alive?!!@ for me, it gives me the heeby jeebies, but maybe that’s because i don’t want to do it? like i said in the post, i’m glad he exists, BUT i’m also like WHAT THE FECK??!!! looool. and no, i think you’re not alone. i think a whole world of people find this sort of thing exciting, which is why people can’t stop watching him. however, not everyone is as brave as you and can admit that out loud. ;) xo, sm

      2. Ah, don’t mind me. I just love disaster. That is NOT to say this is a healthy thing to enjoy ;) x

  12. i saw one of his tricks where he walks on water…i dont think its real? is it..?
    and then in one he was walking on air from one building to another…not real right? if its real …the sky walk thing …then i feel bad for Spiderman coz he is a super hero and he cant fly :) ;)

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