Hog Wild Days

I’m up at the crack of arse, trying to get my blog writing out of the way for the day so I can enjoy a few leisure moments with Wifesy.  When Wifesy and I leisure, we usually try to get our workout in and eat healthy for most of the day.  Eating healthy means juicing once or twice and at one point eating a salad with some kind of protein.  Then we run around doing fun things – movies, crazy harvest-halloween-ish festivals, and just chillaxin’.


Holy Hannah. Clearly there was nothing “Hallow” about that “Weenie.” Bwwwaaahhhhaha.


Now, this isn’t ALWAYS the case.


Sometimes we go hog wild.  And the one who goes the hog wildest out of our dynamic duo is MOI.  For example, Wifesy’s surgery day.  I wrote in the morning.  Wifesy gets called into surgery.  I clean the house from top to bottom and then Wifesy picks me up and we hustled off to a comedy show of mine.  It was a great line up and a completely awesome show from beginning to end.  I had been looking forward to it and Wifesy is a huge comedy fan (of good comedy, that is) so there was no way we were going to miss it.


That day Wifesy and I had only eaten breakfast.  Though I had a vegetable juice right before we ran out to the show.


Naturally, after the show, we were famished.  So, a group of us (comedians and friends of comedians) headed to a little joint around the corner that serves bar food.  Wifesy and I got the nachos.  I had a few beers.  I wanted french fries.  Wifesy was like, “No!  Don’t eat the damn fries.  We’re getting nachos.”  She is almost always more sensible then me.


I reluctantly said, “Okay.”  However, when my friend’s fries arrived I proceeded to eat all of them…like it was my job.  Then another woman at the table offered hers up and it was all over.  It was goddermned FRY-ARMAGEDDON.  I literally felt like I was in a foxhole and they wouldn’t stop shooting.  Fry in the mouth.  Hand goes down to rest on table.  Mind gets itchy.  Hand back to fry basket.  New fry back in mouth and repeat.


Everyone loves fries. The squirrels love ’em…

…ants love ’em.

Even the devil’s assistant loves ’em.


I looked at my friend and said, “I can’t stop eating them.  I can’t.  The whole experience for me is how it must be for those whores on the Bunny Ranch…it just doesn’t even feel good anymore.  You know what I mean?  I’m like Halle Berry in Monster’s Ball feckin’ the shite out of that boney Billy Bob Thorton and I JUST WANT TO FEEL GOOD!”  With that, I jammed a few more fries in my mouth just to make my point.


My friend laughed.  I stole another fry and proceeded to stab myself with it.


I suppose you could say that I just don’t do well when denied.


Tell me I can’t have something and I want it all the more.  Tell me everything is on the table and I just don’t gravitate towards the naughty stuff.  It’s like I don’t care about it when I know I can have it.


The mind is so weird.


So, I’m on this kick of increasing as much positive food (and thought for that matter) into my life.  My hope is that the positive stuff will eventually elbow the crap right out of the leftover spaces.


But, it ain’t always easy.  I mean sometimes people order goddermned french fries when I’m already having nachos when really I wanted fries.


Wifesy doesn’t get this.  She looks at me as if to say, “WTF, we’re already having the nachos.”


Oddly, I know this has always been part of my psychology.  I’ve always needed a release valve.  As a kid, when I was doing a timed reading comprehension assignment, when the timer went off, I would take my pencil and run it furiously over everything I had just written.  It looked like an assignment created by a mini-Unabomber.  I don’t know why a teacher or school official didn’t take one look at my notebook and go, “What in the hell is this kid doing?”  Sometimes a day off the regularly scheduled programming feels like this to me.  It feels like scribbling all over my good work and it feels damn good.  It literally makes me go, “Ahhhhh.”


Pre-Wifesy, I had a particular release valve habit.


I’d usually do well during the week, but then on Sunday – I’d give myself one day.


During that day off, I wouldn’t leave the couch.  I’d watch nothing, but movies and HBO and I’d make an elaborate dinner and polish off a bottle of wine.  Sometimes with a friend or two, sometimes alone.  I always felt like I needed that time.  The “hog wild” time, specified and short, always helped me to get through the rest of the week.


So, I don’t know if I’m ever willing to give up my “hog wild” days entirely.  But, I do need to manage them, otherwise the fries get pillaged and the hogs start to graze in other people’s pastures.  Then the neighbors get angry.  “Why in the feck is your hog on my lawn?”


Wait, do hogs graze?  It doesn’t matter.  You know what I mean.



Sweet Mother is updated daily-ish with loving care.  If you’d like to follow this blog, you can do so by clicking the “follow” link in the upper, right hand corner.



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Photo credits:

hallow-preggers, fry-feature, squifry, antfry, devilfry


31 thoughts on “Hog Wild Days

  1. ‘I suppose you could say that I just don’t do well when denied.’ – oh Sweet Mother… it’s like you’re in my head… :( *she said looking at the cup of coffee she made but can’t drink, and thinking to that bar of choc in the cupboard*

    1. oh, works, we are kindred spirits on this and many things. i just can’t feckin’ do it. when something or someone tells me no, everything else in me goes YES, YES, YES. it’s like a disease! loool. have the coffee and the chocolate. i approve. xo, sm

      1. Ha! Well in that case… damn it’s gone cold by now ;)
        Plus now that you approve it’s no fun. Isn’t that the problem? ;)

    1. wait, did you leave that one for me? i’m such an a-hole. wifesy has been off for a couple of day and it has made me blog negligent. but, never fear… i will find it. off to have pumpkin spice coffee now. i’m pumpkin nuts at the moment. loool. xo, sm

    1. are you kidding me??!! i’m one of those bitches where people go, ‘you wear your weight well.’ which is a nice way of saying, you could lose a few, but you’re still kinda cute. wifesy is the twig. i’m somewhere inbetween kate winslet and cathryn manheim… somewhere in there… looooollll. but, YES, i feel we are alike in far more ways then we should ever let the public know about… bwwaaahhhha. xo, sm and incidentally, how did you survive korea? inquiring minds/ nosy bitches want to know.

  2. Good points today, Mother.

    There is always more, but there is never enough — of anything! Ahhhh, my particular circle of Hell…..

    Thanks for reminding us today about our challenges & boundaries and next time go for the Sweet Potato fries.

  3. I am pretty sure hogs do not graze they wallow. The fact that I know the word “wallow” in relation to hogs is an admission that I have watched “American Hoggers”. Please don’t tell anyone.
    As far as the french fries goes I will put you up against He-Who any time and he will make you look like you are just nibbling. In fact I am working on a blog about He-Who’s french fry antics.

  4. I feel your pain. Poor Hubby hasn’t enjoyed a side order of fries on his own since the day we met. Consider switching to veganism because when your hand is swatted away as it approaches the plate of fries, you can cry out, “C’mon! I’m a vegan. It’s the only thing on the menu that I can eat.”

  5. I’ve always wanted to try a juice fast. I even bought a juicer and tried it out a few times. I finally gave up cause it was getting way too messy when I tried to shove a cheeseburger or burrito in there. Maybe next time.

  6. hahaha this is so funny Sweet Mom… :)
    i too love fries..who doesn’t

    i too love my alone time…usually its weekend..when i spend all my day with laptop watching episodes or movies..sometimes i get myself something from McDonalds or KFC to add to my Hog wild time… :)

    lately i have started a new friends and i play in evening after work n then take a walk to a juice shop

  7. My days are on Mondays. They’re my days off from work, and basically from everything else as well. I’m just ….off. I will sit and watch reality tv. I’ll eat frosting from the can. I won’t shower. I won’t do ANYTHING. It’s amazing. :)

  8. I’ve pretty much given up on self denial. It’s too hard, and too easy for me to swing the other direction. I don’t know much about moderation, either, so it can get a little cray cray. Fuck it. I doubt I’ll be on my death bed saying “I wish I hadn’t eaten that whole bucket of orgasm inducing Mayan Chocolate Haagen Dazs”.
    Good thing I also love quinoa and spinach. It’s all about balance…

    1. i know. i’m juicing for feck’ sake… but, sometimes i want the bucket of fries too. i miss you guys. i feel drowning in it lately. but, i’ll be coming up for air soon. incidentally, our little baby – CANADICA – grew some balls today and got freshly pressed. the piece is great. go and check it out. xoxo, sm

  9. Yeah, I don’t think self denial really works, and I doubt that going hog wild does either. The trick is to find the balance somewhere in between. I wonder if one can teach a hog to graze…?

  10. I laughed all the way through–partly because the imagery was just plain funny but mostly because I completely understand it. I have dietary restrictions that help me deal with my digestive disorders but I too need a release valve. Eating healthy feels good and all, as does not fainting and then crapping myself, but occasionally I get indignant and then I forget myself. I mean, I’m a freaking foodie for God’s sake! I don’t eat. I make freaking love to a meal! The injustice of being a woman who could not be more passionately in love with food if it were dressed up as a George Clooney, but who has been cursed with a wet paper bag stomach eventually gets to me, causing me to abandon my regimen. Sometimes abandoning my regimen has dire consequences…see above. Anyway, I get it.

    1. waaaaaaahhh, i hate computer issues. and i have them all the bloody time! well, now i know in my mind that you ‘liked’ it and really, that’s the most important place for it to be. loool. xo

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