danica

For the Ladies: Women are Crappy Drivers & Other Nonsense

Something happens when you age, if you age well.  A feeling emerges that I can only describe as a basic, semi-euphoric, contentment.  I think this contentment comes out of a constant searching within one’s self for what is truthful and then applying that to the outside world.  Not to get all Oprah and vagified, but I am tellin’ you, if you learn to recognize the bullsh*t for the bullsh*t that it is, what will eventually follow is BLISS.  Plain and simple.

 

Let’s take bullsh*t example #1:

 

“Women are terrible drivers.”  I think we have all heard some variant of this remark.  Sometimes reasons are also provided:  “She’s always checking her make up.”  “She doesn’t pay attention.”  “She’s too afraid.”

 

Well, it’s a wonder anyone lets baby-woman leave the house.  How will she get two feet without sucking her thumb and peeing herself?

 

There’s only one problem.  It ain’t true.  Here is the truth:

 

WOMEN ARE SUPERIOR DRIVERS TO MEN.

 

Sorry, guys, but that is the truth.  That doesn’t mean that your particular lady could beat you on a Nascar track.  I’m sure, in your particular case, you’re Mario Andretti and she’s Ray Charles behind the wheel.  Yes, of course, there are some total, bimbo, airhead, sh*tty, vag-toting, drivers out there who shouldn’t be on the road.

 

But, overall, women are better drivers than men.

 

Chances are a “dangler” was driving…

 

How do I know?

 

Feckin’ car insurance.  That’s how.  On average, women pay LESS car insurance than men.  And how are car insurance rates determined?  By who gets into more accidents, Silly.  They are determined by WHO is the bigger risk.  The numbers don’t lie.  Men are the risk.  Men are 50% more likely to get a DUI than women.  Women are 10% less likely to have a moving violation on their record than men.  I could go on.

 

But, I won’t.

 

I’m not here to deride men.  I love them.  The cool ones, that is.  Even as a lady lover, I love me some dudes.  But, women get lied to.  Regularly.  We truly do.

 

The other thing we’re told is that women lose their “value” as they age.

 

Bullsh*t message #2 usually goes something like this:

 

Ladies, you’ve got your 20s.  That’s it.  You’ve got your 20s to figure out your career and land a man that you will eventually have a baby with.  If you don’t, in your 30s, all the good men will be married up and you will be fecked.  Men, on the other hand, increase in value as they age.  They have more wealth and access to resources.  So, they have no time restrictions.  Ladies, you only have your looks.  In other words, the clock is ticking so you had better get moving.

 

Well, let’s say society and our vagified-clocks are making this virtually true.  Why not work this to our advantage?

 

I recently read an article that said, “Women get better with money when they age.”  The reason given for this is “impending widowhood.”  Basically, women know they will live a long time.  Their husband develops a chronic cough and in their heads they say, “Sh*t, I better figure this stuff out.  I don’t know how long Daddy Warbucks is going to be around.”  And figure it out they do.  They figure it out like an insta-grow CEO who needs to immediately right the sinking ship.

 

I have a second solution to the “women decrease in value” problem.  It is two-pronged and here it is:

 

Straight ladies:  stay single as long as you like AND eventually (when you are good and ready) marry a geezer.  Think of how good you’ll be with his money by your marriage date and you’ll be even better, a few weeks from now, when he finally kicks off.

 

“Let’s get hitched, baby.”

 

Or…prong #2:

 

Think about becoming a lesbian.  I like to think that most women don’t devalue other women.  (Granted, there are some that do, but I say leave them to find their husbands in their 20s or sour past their expiration dates.)  The rest of you, think about tripping the light lez-tastic.  If you can handle that sort of thing, of course.

 

Bullsh*t lady idea #3:

 

“The hormones made her do it.”  Okay, there’s been a whole recent hullabaloo based on an article here, in the States, printed by CNN.  The article basically said and I’m paraphrasing (as usual), “Ladies vote less based on the issues and more based on their menstrual cycles.”  Again, if you’re a lifetime vag-toter, this is not a new thing you’re hearing.  We, of the fleshy coin purses, have all heard the ‘ole, “A woman can’t be president because she’ll have access to that great, big, red button and when she’s on her lady time, she’s likely to start World War Feckin’ 3.”

 

It has reached a point, that I honestly feel women should answer this charge like apes.  Human words are no longer sufficient.  I think, WE SHOULD START FLINGIN’ OUR SHIT AROUND.

 

Better yet, why don’t we stand inside our global cages and start spraying the passersby with buckets of our hormones and plastic baggies filled with this month’s cellular debris and uterine sloughing.

 

I think such a deed would help the world get a better picture of how we feel.  At least, we’d finally be using our WHORE-MOANS to make a perfect point.

 

As always, Momma loves you…like a mother does, no matter what’s under your shorts.

 

As long as you’re not holding me (or any other vag-carrier) down with it, that is.

 

If that’s not enough for you, there’s always…Ryan Gosling:

 

 

 

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Sweet Mother is updated daily-ish.  If you’d like to follow this blog, you can do so by clicking the “follow” button at the top of the page.

 

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You might also like:

Understanding Lana Wachowski

 

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Photo creds:

feature-danica, ryan-feminist, old-man, car-taco

 

AND PLEASE CHECKOUT:  RYAN GOSLING FEMINIST TUMBLR

36 thoughts on “For the Ladies: Women are Crappy Drivers & Other Nonsense

      1. Sweet Mother, the thing I don’t understand is this: we give our wines more tolerance than we do of our women. While it’s okay for a wine to age for years to become great, women are are over the hill at 30. I take every opportunity to remind those around me that perfection like this (meaning me) does not get revealed overnight…deal with it! sometimes tongue in cheek, sometimes just tongue or just cheek. By the way, I love your expression of perfection! ;) xoM

  1. I’ve never understood these and other stereotypes about women. I’ve never been hostage to my hormones (expect once when I was pregnant, and a big meanie made a usually tearless Carrie cry), I hate shopping, I don’t collect shoes, and I’m a great driver–no tickets or accidents to prove it. And, if you’ll excuse my bragging, you should have seen the smooth parallel parking maneuver I pulled off this morning. Even my husband couldn’t deny its sweetness…

    Great post as always, SM. :)

    1. it’s so cray-cray the stuff they throw at women. i don’t know why either. i mean, i don’t find us that threatening. incidentally, finished seneca last night. LURVED it, which is my highest form of phrase. sometime this next coming week, i’ll shoot you an email with interview question ideas… honestly, kudos to you on that accomplishment. not only was it a great read, but i sit in awe of your medical knowledge. xoox

    1. thank you, lil miss. it’s so silly the way women are treated worldwide. but, if we continue to talk about and call people on it, especially thru humor, it will get better… xo

  2. I’m not a typical girl in any sense of the word, especially if my penis has something to say about it. I WILL say I’ve been hostage to my hormones, especially in the candy aisle at Trader Joe’s during period week. “That’ll be $45.87 for the peanut butter cups, cookies, tea biscuits and cherry cordials.”

    1. everybody’s a victim to hormones, including men. i mean have you ever seen a man-mone in action…oh, yeah, the bush administration… odd that it was named ‘bush’.. wacka wacka wacka. okay, i’m tired.

  3. The counter I’ve always heard to the “hormones thang” is that men’s can vary more in A DAY than mine do in A MONTH. So who should really have their finger on “the button?” Maybe some of us could make that button obsolete and a bad footnote to history.

  4. A female voice here weighing in, I am an excellent driver, far superior to my man partner and he knows this. The whole thing about a woman pressing that button, I can’t even talk about it…it doesn’t even piss me off anymore, it’s so ridiculous. We had Hillary Clinton, an educated woman who…nevermind, I’m not going to talk politics. But your quote: tripping the light lez-tastic…priceless and hysterical, becks.

    1. it’s all such nonsense. so, i decided to play with the nonsense today. but, i’m so with you. most of the time i don’t give this sh*t much weight because it’s tardo. and i don’t feel like wearing through thigh high boots all the time to get from one end of the sh*t to the other, you know what i mean? anyway, vages rule and can park. xoxo, sm

  5. All good points SM. I love the hormone crap myself. I’m menopausal so every time I “feel” anything, it’s the freakin hormones. :-P

  6. Ah Mum…why post such a brilliant and hilariously funny article on the WEEKEND!?! I laughed so hard I almost had pelvic floor issues. :D

    When I was in my twenties the best friend of my boyfriend said I wasn’t a good driver because I wasn’t ‘consistent’. I think that was because I slowed down when I saw a potential danger. ;) Not sure what happened to the friend but I certainly survived riding motorbikes and driving a car for almost 40 years! Take that a*hole. -cough-

    1. i love giving people pelvic floor issues. it’s better than kegels! as for posting on a weekend. i try to write and post everyday for me. i reconciled long ago that i have to write what and when the muse rises. if people don’t read it because of the day – it’s out of my control. i would drive myself crazy otherwise. and i bet you drive like a breeze. ;) much love, sm

      1. -hugs- Well, if ever you’re stuck for a post mid-week you could always resurrect this one coz it’s a classic. Honestly! And yes, I drive a manual like Fangio. Well, like a very old Fangio. ;)

    1. eh, feck ’em all the haters, i say. but, their whining does give me something to post about from time to time. and besides, i like throwing my shit around. i’m okay with you feeling meh about ryan gosling. sometimes i feel that way about almost everyone. besides you, of course. ;) sm

  7. Since I’m generally aware of when my brain is clouded by hormones (or hunger, or sleep-deprivation, or whatever), I know that I’m not supposed to associate with other people until I can act like a grown-up. I even warn people about it. So I think I’d know when I shouldn’t be making any life-altering decisions. Or, you know, ignore it and use my logic.

    I hate lies.

    1. “i hate lies.” ohhhhhhh, purple, this comment had me howling. i, too, can now recognize my “swings” and i tend to issue warnings…sort of like the color-coded terrorist alert warnings we have here… loool. much love, sm

  8. Ryan Gosling is a pretty wonderful Canadian. I somehow feel like I am a more incredible person because the beauty of Ryan Gosling happened to be born in the same vast country as I did. Bahahahah. Oh damn.

  9. Now I’m using my woman brain to make this comment so forgive me for that, but this post was as awesome as a period-having woman driving to the polls to vote for shoes. Since I mentioned shoes, and I am a gal, that means I really really loved it because we womanfolk love us some shoes. I ate shoes for breakfast, that’s how much I love them! Math is hard.

  10. Well said!
    I would like to add that pretty women are not smart. I know it is bad to complain about being to stereotypically pretty, but I have spent my entire life proving that I am in fact usually the smartest person that has been a room in the past decade. And if I dye my hair blonde forget about it. No one believes me then I can recite string theory and people would think i was saying a nursery rhyme.
    Idiots.

  11. My cheesecake recipe is fixed. Perfect for crazy, hormonal, bad driving, vag-voting, PMS driven women.

    Here in SA we have an insurance company that only insures women called 1st For Women. They have hilarious adverts about why women deserve cheaper premiums because they don’t do the same stupid shit that men do. They even have free handbag insurance with your car insurance. Very cool.

  12. Erm… I must concede that among the small sample of people I know, men do drive better – sorry :( but I agree with all the rest, and those Ryan Gosling pics are awesome ;)

  13. Great post! Another laugh out loud but oh so true read from Sweet Mother. “I’m sure, in your particular case, you’re Mario Andretti and she’s Ray Charles behind the wheel.” Classic.

  14. I freaking rock behind the wheel! And the lower my butt sags, the sexier I get. I don’t know what they’re talking about. I think only Ryan Gosling understands me. The rest of them can piss off.

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