Facial Tattoos of Distraction

I’m on a writing deadline, which is why you haven’t heard from me over the last 24 hours.  My brain is fried to the point of mulch.  Wait, can you fry mulch?  I guess the real question is why would you?  Well, you get it.  Fried wood chips.  That’s me.



So, I’m creating a blog post today as a form of distraction.


My mother has always said to me, “You’re so weird.”  And Wifesy on a couple of occasions has also said, “You’re a weirdo.”  I don’t know why, but I take this as the highest form of compliment.


I suppose because I’ve always felt that if you can’t be funny – BE INTERESTING.


And weirdos are completely interesting.


So, a weirdo I am.


There are other weirdos out there.  Some of them are dummies.  Some of them are not.  A few of them have facial tattoos.


Facial tattoos fascinate me.  I’m not tattoo-phobic.  Hell, I have a tattoo.


I got this faded mess circa 1995.  It’s a theatrical comedy mask with a woman’s symbol through the eye of it.  Don’t ask me why, but when I was in my 20s, I thought it was cool.  Thankfully, I was smart enough to get it in a place not often publicly viewed.  Although now, I suppose, it’s all over the feckin’ internet!  (What is wrong with me?)


Let’s just say this is copyrighted…so, leave it alone. Until I get it tattooed into a lotus flower…


But, a facial tattoo is another thing entirely.  (Unless your Maori or something similar…)  Often, I think a facial tattoo says, “I never want to work again.”  I could be wrong, but let’s face it – how many face-tattoo guys do you know who work in or for corporate America?  Mike Tyson is the only one I can name and he’s also cray.


So, let’s take an online stroll through the world of “What the feck did you do?” facial tattoos, while my brain tries to slowly reform into something resembling grey matter.


Number 1:  this douche-baton.  And I say douche-baton because clearly he wants to hit himself in the head, over and over again…


This guy is Ann Coulter’s people. I’m just sayin’.


I’m sort of obsessed with him because he decided to get Mitt Romney’s campaign logo tattooed ON HIS FACE…


This particular nut-socket was paid $15,000 to get the tattoo by another nameless ass-grenade.  And the nut-socket states, “I have no regrets…”


Oh, but we have regrets for you, buddy.  Oh, but we do!


Number 2:  this lovely…


He’s got the Steelers on one side and the Eagles on the other.  So, if they ever play each other, his head explodes.


I’m guessing he also voted for Romney?


Number 3:  Maybe I was wrong about facial tattoos being unemployable…


‘Cause this guy just might be loading and unloading your luggage at the airport.


Number 4:


I have a friend who says tattoos are “emotional damage” you wear on the outside.  I’d say that’s true in this man’s case.  If you can’t read it, his eyebrows say, “MOMMA TRIED.”  Oh, poor Momma.  Oh, poor Momma, indeed.


Number 5:  I actually think this girl looks pretty attractive.  The only problem is tattoos fade and what’s it going to look like when you’re 80?  …And is your mother still crying?  ‘Cause mine would be.


Number 5:


Don’t know the story here either, but I believe the “Avatar” transition is about to begin…


Number 6:  I call this one, “One Thing Leads to Another.”



Number 7:


I just feckin’ love this guy… especially for wearing a “bluetooth.”


Lastly, I could go on and on with this post, but it’s time to get back to work.  My deadline approaches.  I will say that no matter how many deadlines I have, none of them could hurt worse than this…I give to you…


Number 8:  I call it, “OUCH!”



What are your favorites, my lovelies?  Momma wants to know.



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49 thoughts on “Facial Tattoos of Distraction

  1. My dad has an old tat on his wrist that used to be a heart with the name Deborah inside it. My mom’s name was NOT Deborah. Now it just looks like his wrist is dirty or kinda like Greek letters or pig latin ebraday. 😉

    1. that’s hilarious. well, not hilarious, but you know, ‘interesting.’ my father has “mom” and “his name” – one written on each arm. thing is, he wasn’t a big proponent of his mother… so, why in the feck would he get it tattooed. xo, sm

  2. What’s that line from Eat, Pray, Love?
    I looked it up: “Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it’s what you want before you commit.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert.

  3. Number 5 is lovely, but imagine being a 50 year old corporate lawyer… Have you seen the little moustaches people are tatooing on their fingers? You just hold your finger under your nose and – voila! – you have facial hair! Perhaps it’s a Movember option…

    1. no, but that is fantastic… helen mirren has some kind of weird tattoo on her finger, i don’t think it’s a ‘stache tho… and that’s totally a movember option… who’s getting the movember tattoo? loool

  4. I have no problem with a tattoo or two (I may even have one…), but like you, I don’t believe the face or other hard to conceal spots are the right place for them. I mean, can you see #3 deciding to go to dental school and then coming at you with a syringe? Not pretty.

    Let me know who wins my book or gift card, and I’ll send them an email. Thanks!

    1. ohhhh, i have to pick one of those. which one did you like? I’d probably say bill mcmorrow for the “haymaker” line. and #3! what if toothless came walking out of your dentist’s office…you might question your dental plan. loool. xo, sm

  5. Okay, I don’t even have pierced ears, so you can be sure there are no tattoos anywhere on me! But that last one is just too painful to look at. And I would go out of my away to avoid most of those guys.

    1. i bet some of them are lovely. and then the other half maybe crazy. sort of like people without tattoos. sigh. anyway, there is some kind of interesting psychology behind getting a facial tattoo. i’m not saying i know what it is, but it’s there…

  6. I love tats! I have 13 of them (14 if you count I have eyeliner cause I am lazy) and will eventually add to my collection. Most of them are not where anyone can see them unless I choose to show them. Some of them are older and I have covered a couple of the older ones recently. People are strange though, the things they choose to put on their bodies, all mine have meaning people who know me usually also know the points in my life of my tats and what they mean.

    Facial tats (except for professionally done eyeliner) is simply stupid. Both my sons have tats also. They have followed my rule. My younger son is like me, a collector and has sleeves but stops above his wrists so can cover for work.

    Want some bad, meaning ugly tats?


    1. okay, i just looked at that. i think my fave is, ‘it’s not gonna suck myself.’ any woman who goes downtown after seeing that, well, i have no hope for her. i like tattoos for the most part. and mine has meaning too (thank god) – i am still a comedian and a woman, after all. loool. wifesy has a really great one. I probably will get mine ‘turned’ into something else eventually though. or covered like you said. but, all in all, i’m happy i have it. i think it’s so cool that you have that many tats and your sons too. they look really good on dudes and some chicks too. 😉 much love, sm

  7. The last one is actually quite clever if you think about it, not something I would do but and all seeing eye on a eyelid clearly some thought went into that I hope

    1. uuuuugggggh, i saw that one. that poor semi-special (as in retarded) lass. i mean, JESUS. what good did she think would come of that? and she will have that forever… i guess the saying holds, ‘when you make your bed, you lie in it…’ or in this case, ‘when you ask for the stars, you feckin’ get them!!!!’ ay yay yay. lawd! thanks for leaving this here and reading, vyvacious. everyone should know about ‘star-face’. xo, sm

      1. Haha yeah. I would have thought that her father (who paid for the tattoo and waited outside) would have talked over her tattoo design with her before she did it.

        You’re welcome! 😛

      2. Yeah! I was reading another article about the same girl and I guess their whole family has tattoos so he paid for it and waited outside eating an ice cream cone 😛

  8. Re: the woman w/ the really nice one at her temple/ear. Yes, they do fade. That’s why people go in to get them freshend up and darkend so they look like new again.

    As for most of the rest, not my cup of tea.

    1. i like hers the best too. it’s how should we say, the most ‘tasteful’. as for getting them touched up. you are right. that should be done. but, i am a p*ssy! so, i keep avoiding doing it… looool. xo, sm

  9. The first number 5 (yes, there are two…and don’t feel bad because I can’t count for crap, either) isn’t bad, but what’s gonna happen when she get’s a facelift one day. Half that tattoo will be scrunched up somewhere behind her ear. We won’t even talk about the one on her breast or how, erm, lengthy it will become over time. How do I know she has one on her boob? Because she’s got one on her face. No one just wakes up one day and says, “Hmmm. I’ve never gotten a tattoo. I think I’ll get some funky ink on my face so that the world will permanently know what a rebel I am and I’ll never be hired to do more than run carnival games or brew coffee.” Nope, the side boob is a gateway tattoo location.

    Your post reminded me of an article I read the other day about a guy who got a tattoo because he lost a bet. At least the tattoo was on one of his *lower* cheeks, if you catch my drift. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/13/alabama-fan-gets-nsfw-tattoo-loses-bet_n_2119749.html

    Funny stuff, dear Mother…as always. Hope your deadline writing is paying you well.


    Miss Snarky Pants

    1. oh lawd, you can see how fried my brain was…because there are two 5s! i’m leaving them there, so i can remember this moment… i was writing for joan. so, it was fun and grueling. lots and lots of jokes. totally loved it though and want to do more and more of that. lucky i can see straight today. well, at least as straight as i see… he, he, I’M HERE ALL YEAR, FOLKS. and you are so right about side boob leading to facial tattoo. i mean no one, no one could possibly start with the face first. or could they? lord, i hope not… xo, sm

      1. Rivers? Now I know why all of her jokes are written on ginormous cards that are spread all over the stage around her. My friend, Simon is a big fan; he used to do Joan in drag and it was amazeballs. He came out of drag retirement to do it one more time recently and I was so proud of him. I’m such a fag hag! But he’s taken me to see Joan in these itsy bitsy clubs in NYC where I assume she tries out new material. Anyway, if you’re writing for Joan, you are up there, my friend. Yay, you! I’m not even surprised because you are so hilarious!

  10. Funniest thing about that Romney tat is that the LDS religion strongly opposes tattoos. Dude, even Romney hates you for that schnizzle, fo’ schizzle. You, friend, will never be married, unless of course, her friends pay her an obscene amount of money for that bet. I am pretty sure the ‘one thing’ guy is English… And a footie fan.

  11. I have a couple of tattoos myself. None on my face. The only kind of tattoos that should be on your face are medical ones that they use for cosmetic purposes if something has been damaged.
    Number 7 is probably the one I like the best. I wouldn’t want to wakeup beside him but I would love to go for a walk with him at night just to freak people out. I can also think of a couple of places/parties where he would be the perfect +1 to just shut people the feck up.

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