Snack Attack! Snacks Overboard!

I just had an egg sandwich with a little bit of avocado nicely smeared on the bread.  I ate this morning at a celebrity’s house, but I ate light because I was nervous.  All went well, so I came back famished and had that egg sandwich with a slice of cheese and ample avocado.

 

Now I’m a little churning-in-the-stomach kind of feeling.

 

It reminds me of when I used to babysit when I was around 13 or 14 years old.

 

I babysat for a nice Jewish family.  They had two little boys.  One was maybe 8 and the other around 5.  I would babysit so the parents could have a nice night out.  I got the job because I was their papergirl.  Yep, I used to drop the paper off at their house and one day the mom said, “Do you babysit?”  I said, “Hell yeah!”  (Without the hell, of course.)   I loved the idea of having extra money and making that money in front of a television.  Pretty soon, I quit the paper route because it’s freezing on the east coast and a paper route pays for sh*t.  But, the nice Jewish family – they paid me well.

 

I also thought of their house as the, “Forbidden Food Palace.”

 

They had everything a kid could ever want.  The mom said “help yourself” and that was all I needed.  I did help myself.  Again and again.

 

This is the holy grail of processed foods, which means I want it. I mean, who doesn’t want a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich IN A CRACKER!

I loved these as a kid…okay, I also love them now. And I also wear the gloves to hide the evidence.

 

I ate so much that one time after coming home from babysitting, I threw up.  Do you know how many pretzels and Doritos one has to eat to actually make yourself throw up?  It’s a lot, I can assure you.

 

The boys were sort of annoying, truth be told.  I remember them only wanting to watch some kind of program where the guy was a MacGyver-ish helicopter pilot.  I hated that show.  It had no plot.  It was total testosterone and totally boring.  So, after engaging them for a few hours, I’d put them to bed.  I looked forward to having a run of the tv and a righteous pillaging of my boss’s cupboards.

 

Thank god, things have changed and I can now buy whatever I want, in the food department.  But, as a kid, my parents hid the good stuff.  My mom hid cookies and crackers.  I’m not sure from whom…probably from me and my brother or my dad or -hell- even herself.  The truth is, none of us could be trusted.

 

My family possesses the genetic ability to polish off anything delicious all in one sitting.

 

Wifesy’s dad never eats like that.  He’s a short man and he eats like a bird.  A half a sandwich here, a bit of an apple there.  One cookie at night, an egg in the morning.  Wifesy can go hours without eating too.  When I do, I’m a total b*tch.

 

The Wifesy family eating habits remind me of a bit a comedian friend of mine tells that goes like this…

 

“Eat like a bird, fuck like a bird…”

 

Believe it or not…bad in bed!

 

That’s really all you need to know about the joke.

 

Lord knows, I don’t want to think about Wifesy’s dad in the bedroom.  However, there’s something telling in that statement.  Do you want to nibble things?  Or do you want to grab life, gnaw on it, swallow it down, and enjoy it?

 

Stopping just before the point of throwing up, that is.

 

I think addicts have to learn the stopping before the throwing up part.  Anal retentives need to learn the push the boundaries of your controlling place, a touch more.

 

Me – I need to fall somewhere in the middle.  Further north than deprivation and just short of regurgitation.

 

Maybe this is what they mean by, “everything in moderation?”

 

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My lovelies, there’s a great new post up at Canadica by the wonderful Ems of the Waiting.  She talks about Caesars and Korea and then somehow even Canada.  It’s feckin’ amazing!  Make sure to go and check that out when you have a moment today.

 

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photo creds:  combos, munchos, bird

 

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41 thoughts on “Snack Attack! Snacks Overboard!

  1. Ha! It sounds like you’re referring to Airwolf with Jan Michael-Vincent which I adored! But, then, I also adored MacGyver, The A-Team and all those various and sundry testosterone laden 80s shows.

    I’m with you, Momma. I gotta eat. Too bad my hips make sure I see every single bite!

    1. omg and did you see how i spelled macgyver. it was like a word-slap, i spelled it so badly. that’s where my brain is right now FOGGY. AND IT WAS SO AIRWOLF!!!!!!! i can NOT believe you know of that show. and i’m so with you, the stories my hips could tell, the meals they have enjoyed…. well, at least they’ve lived. xoxo, sm

    1. i don’t know what it means, but it sounds glorious. loolll. what would i be? maybe more flamingo? sounds right. eh, my brain is in an overworked fog lately. you can tell by my horrid spelling of macgyver above. and i really don’t know if i have the spirit to change it or not… loool. much love, sm

  2. I love salty things so I’ve stopped buying doritos, and salada biscuits [sorry, don’t know how to translate that… crackers maybe?] etc. That’s my trade-off, because I refuse to stop buying or eating bread. I love bread with a passion. -sigh- choices can be hell.

  3. I can also eat all the good stuff, in one sitting. I love this time of year. I’ve bought two boxes of chocolate covered cherries, in two days. I wonder if I can make today three.

    1. it’s bad the mindless eating. especially when combined with screen viewing. that’s like the “perfect storm” as they say… if the perfect storm is me destroying processed foods… 😉 sm

  4. Munchos. This is all I want now. I know they in no way resemble actual food and look more like those yellow chew squares given to dogs, but holy grease, do I want some. So yes, I would say my eating habits are less like a little birdy bird and more like a wildebeest.

    1. i mean… MUNCHOS! i don’t even think they are a potato chip, yet something resembling a potato chip. and they are like crack. there is nothing else in the universe that tastes like them. i can only assume they are made out of molten lava residue and pencil shavings. and god, do they taste good! xo, sm

  5. If there is cheese, bread and wine in a room… oh boy. My mom has been upset with me more than once for eating all the cheese she set out for entertaining before the rest of the guests have even arrived. Luckily, my husband grocery shops with me and doesn’t let me buy cheese too often. More than once he’s taken the goat cheese or cambozola I’ve hidden in the cart and placed it back on the shelf. (Okay, that’s not really true. But I have gotten dirty looks from him for lingering in the cheese section for a moment too long. It’s mostly because he shares the same affinity for cheese as me and he knows if I buy it we’ll both eat all of it). Far too often we eat nothing but cheese and bread for dinner. I’m probably going to regret having that kind of diet in a few years when it gets harder to hide.

    1. ohhhh, but feckin’ cheese! wifesy and i have these days sometimes where we go to trader joes and we’re so famished when we get home that we open the wine, then it’s the cheese, crackers, hummus dip, and cilantro yogurt deep. it’s an orgy. and i love it. have you had that cheese that trader joes makes only once a year? ohhhh, it’s to die 4. anyway, this is why we also do p90x and juice. my body is like two sides fighting one another. my ass is currently winning. sigh. xo, sm

      1. Oh Momma, I heart you. Seriously. We get cheese from Trader Joe’s all the time. Their fondue mix is pretty good. I haven’t heard of the one you mentioned though. Which is it? Would love to try it. We also get cheese at Sprouts.

        And yeah, I’m definitely going to have to find time to fit more exercise in if this diet continues.

        By the way, guess what we had for dinner tonight? I partly blame (and thank you) for making me think about it earlier today.

      1. Good. Now you get to do EVERYTHING instead of a lot of a couple of things! You know, it’s that old bull, young bull story…let’s take our time and fuck ’em ALL! 😉 xoxoM

  6. I would punch a baby in the face for that bag of bacon, egg, and cheese combos. Obviously not a baby I was babysitting. That would be irresponsible, and would most likely lead to ex-communication from The Baby Sitters Club.

    1. “obviously not a baby i was babysitting….” loooooooollll. oh, billsy, you always kill me. and bills, (i don’t know why i’m pluralizing you right now…) you won carries book for that haymaker line. so, you get the book i think digitally or an amazon card of equal value. can you email me your email again? i will send it to carrie and she will get you your prize. xoxoxox, sm

  7. Ah avocado – I call it Vegan mayonnaise. I’m in the bacon club, but as an event manager can always count on the Avocado to sooth even the surliest Vegan. Me – toasted bacon and Avocado. Yum.
    Eating with celebrities can be tricky at first. It gets easier once you’ve seen them in their underwear, painted nails on chicken feet red for their dressing room, or had the misfortune of walking in on a major rock star performing a sex act on a farm animal. That’s the point you realize we’re all just people.
    Once you recover have a Combo for me – we can’t get them in Canada

    1. NO COMBOS IN CANADA?!!!!!!!!!!!! what in the feck. this can not be. this is an outrage. i had one foot up in the great white way and now, surely, i’ll be stuck here for good. bwwaaaaahhhhhaa. and you are right about the celebrity thing. it was all good in the end. you would think in my lifetime, i had seen enough of them, but when my work is gonna be read too… phew, a whole other ballgame! i really enjoyed this comment, notes. and the next avo i have, i will think of you. xoxo, sm

      1. In defence of a “Combo” free Canada – We have All Dressed potato chips and Coffee Crisp Chocolate bars, something our American neighbours can only dream about. 🙂 Canadians also snicker about the mayonnaise/Miracle Whip line. (We’re a mayo country) I assume you have no idea what I’m talking about, it makes sense – sort of. Americans in northern states and California use mayo and prefer Coke, the south Miracle Whip and Pepsi. (It’s true)

  8. The funny thing about that “eat like a bird” saying? Birds eat more than their weight every day. I don’t think we’re physically capable of that. 🙂 Imagine how good their metabolism must be.

    1. it’s all that flying. walking just doesn’t match up. and driving, forget it. looool. funny how we have the impression that to eat like a bird is to eat very little, huh? anyway, i wish i had that bird metabolism. that’s for sure! xo, sm

  9. It’s not letting me like again. I will have to try from home. But I thought I would share what my mom hid from me. Sugar cubes.

    I blame it on the public school system. In second grade, they gave us shots and at the end, they gave us a sugar cube. They told it was for being good with getting the shots. In fact, the told us that right up front. To get our cooperation.

    As an adult, I found out that it was really the polio vaccine. The the damage was done. It was the texture as it disolved that I particularily liked. It was way better than hard candy. It was like a party in your mouth. (Yeah, this was before I ever tried pop-rocks.)

    My mom ended up putting the box of sugar cubes on the top shelf behind something bigger. That really didn’t stop me for long. I was so short I had to use a chair just to reach the bottom shelf. So I was already up on the counter so I just continued to ransack the cupboards until i found them.

  10. i rem once after college my friends and me we went on eating spree…we had four fav eating places and we are at all of them one after another…too much food… oh i miss college …i still eat like that sometimes…
    Sweet Mom last week i had pancakes, potato wedges, hotdog came home and had full fledged dinner with my family 😛 🙂

  11. Jan Michael Vincent was probably the worst actor on the planet in a era rife with bad acting. My dad, a huge fan of bad television, watched that show.
    You’ve hit upon my ongoing struggle: finding a balance between food enjoyment (because I am a foodie at heart and bred for gluttony) and overall health (because God didn’t give me the right stomach for my disposition). I do well most of the time but occasionally I have to remind myself of why I do it and then I deal with a little unpleasantness.

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