Breath of the Dog

Okay, I’m not truly talking about the dog.  Yesterday MY breath smelled.  It may smell a little bit today too.  I can only take this as a sign of my impending death in the next 4 or 5 decades or so.  This is how god tells you it’s coming.



I know.  I’m so dramatic, at times.


The thing is, I don’t like smells.  Weird smells.  B.O. – don’t like it.  Just don’t.  To the point where I’m paranoid about it.  I have this friend from back in NY, we’ll call her Re-Re.  Re-Re was a hugger.  She hugs everyone.  All the time.  You can’t help, but love Re-Re – man or woman – because she’s such a loving person.  It doesn’t hurt that she’s 40 something and has the rockin’ body of a 20 year old either.  Re-Re always wore crazy outfits.  Literally, sometimes a red, white, and blue tutu combined with an orange halter top.  It didn’t matter.  Everything always looks good on her, even if the outfit was cray.  You’d see Re-Re in her insane halter top and tutu number and she’d stretch out her arms to hug you like she’d been waiting to see you for the last ten years.


Now, I would hug Re-Re and my next question would always be, “Do I smell?”


To which Re-Re would respond…


“What is wrong with you?  Stop saying you smell.  You never smell.”


“Yeah, but that’s probably why I don’t smell because I’m so worried about it,” I’d respond.


“You’re crazy,” she’d say.  “Now come in for another hug.”


And the process would repeat itself.


“You smell like heaven, woman!”


I don’t know what it is about my olfactory paranoia.  It has always bothered me.  Sure, you can’t help having a musky scent every once in a while.  Say, if you spent the day at the gym, then yoga, then 3 margaritas, and then a garlic-onion bake-a-thon.  I’m not saying I’d ever do that, but I am saying such a schedule might make your pores beg to spill out some of those noxious toxins.


Maybe the smell-thing bothers me because I equate smelling with being out of touch a little bit.  I remember a gym teacher/ coach that I loved.  She was such a great person, but she had horrid breath.  I remember thinking, “Come on.  Pull yourself together!”  Meanwhile, she was probably totally together.  I think she owned a home or two in her early 20s.  I could never figure out how the real estate agent and the banker could get close enough to her to close the deal.


Then there’s the celebrity, Rosie O’Donnell.  Wifesy says that she’s heard through the “lesbian grapevine” that Rosie has some hygiene issues.  This troubles me.  Rosie comes from a similar background as myself (minus the Latina part…wait, maybe it’s my Latina part that helps me not to smell?) and if she smells like a two-day-old, yogurt dip after its sat in the sun, then what does my future hold?


Maybe it’s aging.  Forget those ladies who are 89 years old and still get up to put on their makeup.  Makeup won’t do you a stitch of good if everyone can smell your old lady crotch from 4 blocks away.  My lower back hurts after a day of vacuuming my less than 800 square foot loft.  How in the hell am I going to make sure my lady parts smell like I’m 20 and virginal when I’m 90?  Or am I going to have to pay someone to do it?  I can just see myself paying some 20 year old queen to spray my tender bits with lilac water, as a last resort stop on my dignity train.  I’d get my bits glazed with a floral scent every alternate Wednesday, all so I can go and enjoy an hour of coffee and game time in the common room before falling asleep.  The queen gets off of work.  He goes to the gay bar where he laughs about spraying some old bitch’s ne’erdowells to a large group of rapt homosexuals.  I just can’t take it.


“Guuuurl, you would not believe where I’ve just been…”


Thankfully, right now I have my other half, my Wifesy, to say, “That’s intolerable.  Go and scrape off the tartar.”  Or, “Love, you have a chin hair, right there.  Let’s take care of that.”  But, what will time bring?  Will I become an untouchable?  I suppose I’ll always have to have decent friends.  Those type of friends who tell your something is up.  They help you change and then do the decent thing – PRETEND LIKE THE MOMENT NEVER HAPPENED.


Those are the best people there are.


Now, everybody, come on in for a hug.



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feature, gayboys, tutu, dog


45 thoughts on “Breath of the Dog

  1. Oh my god the chin hair that suddenly turns up and is 8 feet long and you look in the mirror and it’s like ugh just kill me. I need someone to tell me about that.

  2. Here’s more unfairness for you, Mother Dear: It seems to be more permissible for guys to have an odor than women. There’s a cheery thought, right? I guess I’ve been fortunate: I love the way women smell (usually). I’ve not yet encountered a smelly woman. :D

    1. yep, i think men get more of a pass with ‘manly’ smells. women are supposed to smell like roses. which is exactly what i smell like – roses and hope. looooool. and go to a hippie concert, you’ll meet a ton of smelly women. mushrooms will do that… looool. xo, sm

    1. i think i might be as well. i didn’t even get into phermones. (sp?) i’m sure there’s something going on there too… and sometimes i am the victim of ‘phantom smells’ – i run around going, ‘does it smell like pee? does it smell like pee?’ it’s very crazy. loool. xo, sm

  3. Dear SM, by the time we’re 80, we probably won’t smell a thing. And if we do, we’ll be so grateful to smell anything, we won’t care…or maybe we’ll just forget. Just sayin’ ;) xoxoM

    1. i tend to do things “all” the way. so, i worry i’d become one of those people who literally starts to grow into their couch. have you read about these obese muthas? might be an american thing – growing into one’s couch. sigh. it’s all the supersizing. maybe now that hostess is dead we’ll have a fighting chance. prob not, though. looool.

  4. I hate, hate, hate smells and sadly I can smell stuff miles away! But as far as chin hairs, not to worry as you get older, your eye sight goes and you no longer can see them or care about them. For there are far worse problems that need proper focus and there isn’t enough time in the day for a whisker or two!

    1. can i have that ‘i don’t care about my chin hairs’ perspective now? will i have to blind myself? how can i get their earlier? oh, lawd, i have to just try and not give a poo, like so many other things… looooool. xo, sm

  5. I was born with no sense of smell – I have always been paranoid that I smell, even though I’m not sure what that would be like. I have a couple of olfactory friends who will let me know how the house or the dogs smell. I also need help picking out soap – I hear some have not so great smells – I can however see my own chin hairs, thank goodness!

    1. i don’t know how you survive! looool. it must be a mixed blessing though… say when you’re passing by a landfill or dairy cow country? so interesting… is there a name for that, artsy? xo, sm

      1. I blogged about a stinky tree yesterday and someone told me there was a name for it in the comments – anosmia. Who knew? I mostly hear people talk about bad smells so I don’t think I’m missing much.

  6. You’re going to hate me for this, and honestly, I’m not trying to feed your paranoia, but… very old people tend to lose their sense of smell, with some obvious consequences. So you see you’re just going to have to get in the habit of showering once a month and brushing your teeth at least twice a week now, while your nose is still a reliable guide…. :p

    1. oh.dear.god. why do you do this to me? why? am i going to have to keep younger people around me just to keep it ‘normal’? loool. i have a weird sense of smell now. sometimes i can smell everything. other times, nothing. i think it’s in part due to my allergies. sigh. love you, meeks. xo, sm

      1. Allergies are hell and I suspect they may have played a part with my Dad losing his sense of smell BUT you have a long way to go before then. Bet allergies will be a thing of the past in 10 – 20 years time! [At least I hope so]. -hugs-

  7. You make me laugh. I had a beer swigging grandma who loved to puff her cigarette, take a big gulp, lick her lips and say, “give us a kiss.” I can’t stand the thought of beer and never drank it. I credit grandma for that quirk.

  8. When I was pregnant, I got that super-nose thing going. It was incredibly bad. Everything smelled horrible, ESPECIALLY my deodorant, toothpaste, and soap. My husband literally dragged me kicking and screaming to the bath after two weeks of not showering and puking every 5 minutes. I probably smelled so womanly. I smelled like Gaia herself.

    1. bwwwwaaaahhhha. i’ve heard that about pregnant women and their sense of smell. i had a friend who made her husband throw out the chicken in the refrigerator because she swore she could smell it from 3 rooms away through the fridge! and it was making her gag. too funny. loooool. xo, sm

  9. I would hug you, even if you did smell. I am not right in the head though, I would whisper to you all the problems whiffing off of you. All the stenchy things coming from the different stenchy places, then I would hand you over to wifesy to fix the problems. While I was at it, I would mention the hairy things growing from unmentionable places and offer a free wax party, just for you. Cause I love ya and wouldn’t want you walking about hairy and smelly.

    But I would still love ya and hug ya.

    1. proving once again that everyone needs a val in their lives! loool. thank god for people like you, seriously. i’ll have to skype call you in a few years to check for chin hairs or i’ll have to get one of those magnifying mirrors. sigh. and i rarely smell. promise. i think it’s the people who never ‘worry’ about smelling who so often do. looool. xo, vl, xo, sm

  10. It is a curse. I can pick up the most minuscule odour from a mile away. He-Who is always laughing at me as I go from corner to corner sniffing …
    Me: sniff … Can’t you smell that?… sniff …
    He-Who: Smell what?
    Me: sniff … That smell! …sniff, sniff …
    He-Who: What smell?
    Me: sniff … That bad smell… sniff, sniff, sniff …
    He-Who: I don’t smell anything.
    Me: sniff… You never smell anything. Stop freakin’ smoking and maybe you would smell something! …sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff …
    He_Who: Oh, I wouldn’t want to smell all the bad stuff you smell.
    Me: sniff … sniff … sniff …
    He-Who: Bionic, I tell you, you have a bionic smell sense. The only thing stronger is your hearing
    Me: What was that noise?

    He can torment me like this for hours.

    1. absolutely hilarious, mg. so so funny. do women have a stronger sense of smell than men? we might, right? i think i’ve heard that somewhere, but i could be wrong… much love, sm

  11. I always want to leave a comment but I am not as clever as the others who do so. I would hug you even smelly. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and go in.

  12. I share your paranoia and it’s increasing as I get older. My paranoia…or possibly my stench, I just can’t tell. Am I getting more malodorous as I get older or just crazier? I just don’t know and this concerns me a great deal.

  13. I think if there’s anything I hate more, it’s people who try to cover up their horrid BO stench with perfume. You get bits of a flowery scent mixed with disgusting moldy sour smells. I just run away at that point and smell my hair to calm me. My hair smells damn good.

  14. Sweet Mom you wont believe but i have this fear too that am i smelling…it started when i worked with a person from Design team..she was smelling and i was like do i have a breath like that too? :P Crazy i know…
    i like your friend Re Re…everyone should have a hugger around…

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