I just googled “plural form of vagina.”  Now, of course, I know it’s vaginas.  But, I tend to shorten it to – vag.  There’s something wrong sounding about the plural form of vag being vags.  It sounds too much like, “bags” or “hags.”  So, I tend to say vages, more like “dresses” or “pages.”  It tends to work for me.  However, this morning I thought, there’s got to be something better.  So, I googled “the plural form of vagina.”


What happens when Hannah and her “sisters” stand together? What would you call it?


The answer was vaginas.  But, there was also a second, lesser known, answer…


The little known sister of the plural vagina is…




In my mind, I pronounce it vag-in-nay.  It’s almost French sounding and I like it.


Anyway, this past Sunday, Wifesy and I were a couple of VAGINAE.


We woke up and lounged around in bed reading.  Wifesy was tearing through a new Shirley Maclaine book.  Now, I’ve read a Shirley Maclaine thing or two in my day.  Maclaine has led a thoroughly interesting life and her books can be very enjoyable reads for that very reason.  She also tends to get very metaphysical.  I think in the very first (and last) Shirley Maclaine book that I read, she claimed to stop the rain using her mind while in a trailer on a shoot somewhere.  Things like that, while interesting, are usually part of the reason why I do not go back for second helpings.  That sort of stuff is EXACTLY why Wifesy goes back to read her again and again.


Queen of the Vaginae?


So, we’re lying in bed and Wifesy is trying to tell me about one of Shirley Maclaine’s “I can stop the rain with the power of my mind” ideas.  This one had to do with some kind of research Shirley has laid her hands on.  Apparently, at one point during this year all of the planets are going to be aligned in some kind of formation that the universe hasn’t seen in a good 2600 years.  That alignment will have some sort of effect on the magnetic field.  So says Shirley.


Granted, I was hungry.  I wanted to make coffee and have a slice of toast.  I didn’t give much of a rat’s poo about Shirley and her lined up planets.  Wifesy was telling me about all the scientific data behind the perfect alignment and I kept saying, “Yes, and that means what will happen?”  Well, of course, no one knows and the truest answer is – probably nothing.  But, I told Wifesy to hurry up and get to it.  Get to that damn “how the hell does the magnetic field alignment effect me and my f’en toast right now” part.


Wifesy got upset.  I felt bad, shrugged off my need for toast, and settled in to listen to more of Shirley’s “theories.”


An hour or so later, Wifesy wanted to get right up and do our P90X workout.  I had it in my mind that Wifesy wasn’t feeling well and that I would have a Martha Stewart day.  The type of day where I would do nothing, but bake bread and make homemade soups.  Wifesy suddenly didn’t want my bread and soups.  She wanted to get up and sweat.


I think this va-jay-jay may have been left outside a little too long…


I got annoyed.  I said, “Listen, it’s not that I don’t want to do the workout.  It’s that I want my idea for the day to be included instead of pushed to the side for your plan.”


We went back and forth.  Both of us were annoyed.  Wifesy said she’d “do the workout on her own.”  I said, “No.”  We both grumbled and settled into the opening stretch of the P90X dvd.


As I was stretching my hammy, Wifesy came over and said, “I love you.”


I said, “I love you two.”


Then I added, “Wow, we’re both a couples of vages, huh?”


Wifesy said, “Yep, we’ve been a couple of vages all morning.”


Vaginae, my friends.  Vaginae.


Long live, the Vaginae!


I have a joke in my act where I say, “I wasn’t always this gay.  Oh no, I tripped through a forest of sausage before I found the perfect pie.  So, if you think you can’t relate to me – oh – I bet you can.  And if you think the grass is always greener on the other side, I’m here to tell you it’s a sh*t brown on both sides.  Men may be a**holes, but b*tches be crazy.”


I feel a truer sentiment has never been uttered.


I know a few women that wish they could be with another woman.  They would have their emotional needs met, but what they don’t realize is that two vages together often means talking things to the brink of death.  Sometimes there’s value in a – “you need your feelings expressed, he just wants to watch the game” – type of diffusing.  Other times, I don’t know how straight women do it.  “You mean he doesn’t want to talk about things EVER??!!”


For the Vaginae, conversation is paramount.


For the Vaginae, the talking never ends.



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Fear of the Smell



Photo creds,

vag-lady, vag-spiders, shirley, vaginae


42 thoughts on “Vaginae

  1. Vaginae pronounced vag-in-nay made me think of someone in that shaky Catherine Hepburn way that she drops her “r”s saying …
    “Yes, Vaginae, there is a Santa Clause”

    1. i am soooooo lucky to have a wifesy. a lot of my life i haven’t had one. so, i say search it out. everyone deserves their own version of a wifesy even if that comes in the form of a hubsy. ;) and as for my potty mouth. it will never stop. ’tis part of my dna at this point. thank you for appreciating it. it means a great deal to momma. xoxoxo, sm

  2. Aww, the things we google for our blog posts, no?

    I’m one of those rare women who doesn’t like to talk things to death. Short, sweet, and to the point is my motto. On the other hand, I do think one should say what’s on one’s mind instead of making the other party guess. Now that is majorly annoying.

    Glad you and Wifesy called truce. Those exercise endorphins work every time. :)

    1. our ‘fights’ and fights is really a loose term for them, are the best bc they never last that long and always end in ridiculousness like the above, ‘a tale of two vages.’ and it never stops what i will look up and write down for my blog. now, if i could only get to 365 posts, so the madness could die down a little. looool. xo, sm

  3. I laughed at this one. Epic lines. “Perfect pie”. Win for you. Glad you two worked things out.

    Something that has always confused (and sometimes bugged the spit out of me) is when the fairer sex doesn’t speak her mind and dances around what she means. Just cut to the chase, ladies. It will help preserve the last droplet of sanity within me.

    Have you and Wifesy done that to each other?

    1. hmmmmm, i will say this, foster, and i’m not sure if it will help you where the fairer sex is concerned, BUT, i think, sometimes it takes a second for the two of us to figure out what in the feck is bugging us. i think we are faster than most, but still! therapy always helps. and we’re not manipulative ladies. of which i have met many, the manipulative sort, that is. overall, i’m in total agreement with you though – say what you mean and say it now. especially, if we are swapping spit. it’s a number one rule, so to speak. much love, sm

  4. Haha! As a major Latin geek, that is the correct Latin plural for vagina and it is correctly pronounced vag-in-aye, like “Aye, Aye, Captain” … LOL.

    All the best to you and wifesy and happy thanksgiving!


    1. ohhhhhhhhhhhh, vaginI! THANK GOD, you clarified that. loooool. i think i was saying vagin-ay to myself like vagin-gay, almost. loool. but, i like vaginAYE. i feel like that has lots of authority. :0 happy tday to you too, love. xo, sm

  5. Tripped through the forest of sausage – that made me LOL. Glad that you and wifesy made up. I’m not much of a talker, but oh the horror at the thought of living with another me. Sweet Mary Moses, that would be hell.

    1. seeeeeeeeee, you totally get my point then. it’s a total pleasure being with a woman, BUT i am a woman around men quite frequently and -dare i say- there’s a simplicity there (not trying to insult the dudes, just a way they deal with life) that is to be celebrated!!!!! i think you get what i’m saying. looool. much love, sm

  6. I want to kiss you right on your lesbo lips, mama! (I hope that wasn’t offensive. I am not up-to-par on my sexual correctness. It was meant as a compliment.) Your response to Wifesy wanting to tell you about Looney Shirley and her ultra-New-age shenanigans is exactly what a girl needs. I can tell why Wifsey said she loves you, I love you FOR her because you are so tender and emotionally supportive. This is exactly why I am switching teams if I ever divorce husband number two. Having said that, I must admit that none of the wearable vaginae that you showcased above looks very comfortable or inviting, and I am sure that many a person would run the other direction if a vagina and spiders were in the same field of vision.

    For you expanding my vocabulary by bringing in vaginae, I will expand yours by submitting that the plural of ‘platypus’ is both ‘platypusses (which kind of reminds me of your blog)’ and ‘platypi.’ There ya’ have it.

    1. UNDERCOVERL!! you are so winning best commenter award today, if that were actually a thing. a) i had to look up episiotomy and all i can say is “OUCH!” b) i can’t with the shirley maclaine and the ‘we are all going to levitate, celestine prophecy’ shit, but I LOVE WIFESY. so, i will listen to whatever she’s selling, even if it’s hogwash. this is the price we pay for love. and lastly…the c) of all this… i call wifesy’s feet, “platyi-pops.’ because they are long and thin like i would assume a platypussssssses would be and they are damn cold! looooool. so, i thought it was so funny, that you used that particular word. much love, undercover, much love, sm

  7. I’m supposed to be on a comment fast. So, I’ll make this brief. I have a vag, just one, and when my husband gets all penisfied, as men often do, I just remind him that as long as I have one of these, I can get as many of those as I want….of course, that’s not really true anymore, but it usually settles him down. Okay, I’m shutting up now.

  8. Penises are not all that, in fact they are rather ugly and we can now buy them with batteries. I remind the man attached to the one I married of this all the time when he doesn’t want to talk and I do. I do not talk things to death, in fact I am reticent and secretive most of the time, I only tell what is important and on a need to know basis.

    I would I suspect make a very bad Lesbian. Only because I don’t talk, personally I think women are far better looking, usually smell better, don’t take up as much space and are far less needy. Men leave their mamas and then marry a mama they can F*ck.

    Personally, I like the purple. Sort of Royal you know.

  9. Well I’m trying to “like” this post but something won’t let that happen. The Masshole and I have to force ourselves to talk about the heavy stuff. We manage quite well but it’s not second nature to us. We’re strange gals.

  10. The vagina you said was left outside too long–I think I know it’s problem. it’s that time of the month. See the bloody cord hanging out at the bottom?

    Where in the world did you FIND this photo? I mean, who wears vagina costumes, let alone a Aunt Flo vagina costume? :)

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