weird face

Post 2: Weird-Assed Relative

I’m guessing every family has one weird-assed relative.  There are some families that probably have a few.  If you think there is no weird-assed relative in your clan, I can assure you that weirdo is you.

 

My weird-assed relative gets on my nerves.  Let’s call him Froggy.  Why Froggy?  Because Froggy would be a super annoying name for an adult male and “Froggy” annoys me to no end.

 

Froggy, this is how my mind sees you and it ain't right...

Froggy, this is how my mind sees you and it ain’t right…

 

Froggy is a cousin of my Dad’s.  When we were kids, Froggy was alright.  When you’re a kid it’s hard to figure out who is the weirdo and who is interesting, but now that I’m an adult -bottom-line- Froggy is too much.

 

Froggy comes from a huge family on my father’s side.  The rest of the family, as far as I can discern, seem really together.  They are intelligent and warm and funny and mostly keep to themselves.  Not Froggy.  Froggy is always up in everyone else’s business.  I won’t see Froggy for years and then at my grandmother’s funeral he’ll say something to me like, “You should see your family more.  You don’t see your family enough.”

 

It takes everything in my power not to say, “You know what…FECK OFF, FROGGY.”

 

Perhaps, “seeing your family more” seems like an innocuous statement and if delivered to me by anyone else it would probably feel appropriate.  But, from Froggy it gets under your skin.  Froggy is the king of getting under your skin.  Froggy is also the KING of awkward.  He has said about his own kids to my other cousins, “That’s my daughter.  I know they look black, but they are still my kids.”

 

FROGGY.  WE KNOW THEY ARE YOUR FECKIN’ KIDS.  NOW YOU’VE JUST EMBARRASSED BOTH US AND THE KIDS.  CHRIST.

 

I mean, like we don’t know (or care) that Froggy married a black woman?  The only one that seems to care is Froggy.

 

Froggy has also said to my mother, “I used to go and see Sweet Mother’s comedy.  But, now I don’t go anymore because she talks about all that homosexual stuff.  That’s not my cup of tea.”

 

Okay, Froggy, you have got to be kidding me.  I am not Lea Delaria (all respect to Lea, of course).  In my act, I talk about things we can ALL relate to like family, and dating, and IDIOCY.  I love to talk about IDIOCY in all its glorious forms.  What I do NOT do is 20 minutes on dildos and dental dams, as Froggy would make it seem.  (But, Froggy, if you’re ever brave enough to come to a show again, I promise, I will.  Just for you…)

 

lea delaria

Sorry to disappoint, Froggy, but this ain’t me…

 

Froggy used to come to my shows by himself…even though he has a family, a nice wife (God bless her, I don’t know how she does it) and kids, regardless, Froggy would come by himself.  A little bit like a weirdo to be honest.  He also invites himself places, which is a trait that usually only the most annoying among us implement.

 

My uncles and cousins were going into the city after the funeral and were talking about it.  Froggy overheard and invited himself along, but also said, “Don’t tell my wife.”

 

Froggy has some kind of fantasy going on in his head that we are one big extended family like you’d see in Moonstruck or My Left Foot.  We all live to hang out with one another and to invite bizarre Froggy around with us when we haven’t seen him in over 10 years.

 

And the “homosexual” content of my act comment, good gawd, let’s discuss it.  First off, two of Froggy’s brothers are gay.  I wonder if he walks up to them and says, “You know I  used to love talking to you, but now that I know about the gay thing…not so much.”

 

Froggy, here’s the truth of it — NO ONE ENJOYS YOU BECAUSE YOU ACT CRAY-CRAY.  If we seem to it’s because we are being polite and tolerating you, but you will also notice that most of us have a look on our faces that suggests we have just sucked on a lemon.

 

You are causing that.  YOU are causing lemon-face.

 

I love when people project shit.  It makes me feel like a UN translator because I’m really good at interpreting what people really mean.

 

When Froggy says, “I used to like your act, but I can’t get with all of that homosexual stuff…” what he really means is…

 

“I like calling other people queer or odd because then it makes me feel less odd myself when in reality I’ve got more odd than Michael Moore at a Tea Party gathering.  I’d also really like to shock your mother right now because I think she doesn’t like me.”

 

When Froggy says, “You should see your family more, you don’t see your family enough…” what he really means is…

 

“I wish someone would hangout with me, but they won’t because I’m a touch bizarre like Marilyn Manson in polyester, but without the cool factor.”

 

When Froggy says, “Don’t tell my wife…” what he really means is…

 

“Let’s all pretend like we’re in a different family where you all take me out to a bar and tell me how great I am.”

 

It ain’t gonna happen, Froggy.

 

I’ve been tolerating Froggy for a long, LONG time, but the expiration date on my tolerance has arrived.  The other day Froggy tried to “friend” me on Facebook.  I both denied the request and blocked him.  I’m sorry, but it is not Momma’s job to make you feel alright.  Get some counseling.  Hang out with your adorable, black, babies and learn how to deal with the world at large, even if some of us are big ‘ole fags.

 

hot lesbians hot girls

Newsflash, Froggy, we don’t want you in our club either!

 

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Sweet Mother is updated daily-ish.  Join in the fun, as I chase down the last 80 or so posts on the way to 365.  You can do so by clicking “follow” at the top right of this blog.

 

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Photo creds:

Lea, weird-hat, weird-face-feature, burningman-hotgirls

 

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41 thoughts on “Post 2: Weird-Assed Relative

    1. right? i don’t know what he expects, but when people run from you like you are the plague… maybe in the end it’s because of you, froggy. i mean, shesus. what is wrong with people? loool. and yes, THANK GOD for the block feature on fb. thanks for reading, irun. xo, sm

    1. i think i used to ‘tolerate’ it more when i was younger, but now… just.can’t.do.it. age makes one give far less of a poo. that is for sure. lool. much love, rubes, much love.

      1. you know, i’m weird too. i’ve even talked about that on here. but, there’s a good weird and a bad weird. i sense that we are both the good weird… froggy not so much. that’s just my theory. ;)

  1. I have a family weirdo but more like “don’t leave your kids alone with him” uncomfortable rather than annoying and inapropriate.

    1. omg! that’s even worse. i have a shorter and shorter fuse for these types of people, let me tell you. lawd, what a pain in the arse that is. i hope you don’t have to see them much. ay yay yay. xo, sm

  2. Luckily, I don’t have relatives like that. Well let me rephrase, I don’t put up with relatives like that, I cut them out of the family tree. Of course, they might be a TAD weirder and have a SMIDGEN more choice things to say about people :P

    I do Froggy-like personalities in acquaintances or friends of friends. That’s when I try to steer clear and run the other way.

    1. oh vy, how smart you are. cute ’em out. cut ’em right out like a tumor, i say. and running also works and making an excuse to go to the bar… that’s a useful one too. xo, sm

      1. Unless if they puppy-dog along with you to the bar. That’s when I just say I have to take a massive dump or that Robin has showed up and I just make like some strawberries and jam to save the world… :P

  3. This is the Dark Side calling: Stop restraining yourself. Don’t be polite. Tell him in as loud a volume as you can, “Feck off, Froggy!” You’ll feel better, and (when you post the story of his horrified reaction), your readers will get a lot of laughs. :D

    1. foster, you are sooooooooo right. let me tell you, if we ever have a face to face mtg again and weirdness ensues momma will unleash because i’ve run out of rope, as they say… completely out. feck ’em, feck ’em, feck ’em. that’s the new motto. lol. ;) xo, sm

  4. I’ve got a few Froggys in the fam. I tried to click like on this twice, both times the screen went blank for a second then returned me to the top of the post without inserting my “like” on the bottom. I realize you’re above collecting “likes”, but I wanted to make my intent to click public.

    1. okay, you are like the umpteenth person to bring up that ‘like’ problem. i guess that means i’m finally going to have to do something about it. so, thank you for telling me, 1pt. and feck the frogs. well, you know what i mean. ;) sm

    1. use the baby as an excuse. just go, ‘gotta feed the baby.’ ‘ooop, baby needs me.’ ‘sorry, baby only likes to nap about 100 miles away from you, froggy.’ actually, ems, do you think i can borrow your baby? i need an exit strategy. looool. xo, sm

    1. ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, now that is indeed difficult. but, if i see the frogger again, in person, and he starts to act cray, i’m gonna let him know. don’t care anymore. the agony needs to end! i’ll think of it as a public service at this point. sigh. xo, sm

    1. it’s nearly impossible to be completely froggy-less. you are very lucky there are none in your gene pool. very, very lucky. i think in the end froggy is harmless. but, he’s like a splinter a goddermned irritation that you just must get away from you. poor thing that froggy. looool. xo, sm

  5. Sometimes I fantasize that I am a tough ass bitch, and I open a can of whoop ass on those crazy ass relatives, that is so stunning they are left breathless and in awe of my awesomeness.
    You never know it could happen.

  6. I think I might be the weirdo.
    Maybe not. I have a inappropriate brother who’s drunk all the time. I’ll shift the Froggy moniker to him.
    Also, since I’m not a psychiatrist, you’re Froggy sounds like he’s got a touch of the Asperger’s. Or maybe he has no excuse.

  7. My whole family is weird and a little cray cray, including me. The thing is most of us work on it to be a little better at being human beings … all but one. Let’s just call her “Twisted Sister”. What do you do when the toxic person is not a distant 2nd cousin but someone that is that close on the DNA scale? Just today as I started to read this post I got a call about the latest drama and was astounded at how much this post struck that raw nerve.

  8. Given the size of my family I would suspect I am the froggy to some (many) of them, now this would be for the following reasons:

    1) I vote, yes I said that. I actually vote in all elections and am both politically active and an activist.
    2) I am a life long Liberal, at every level you could name. I am a Humanist as well.
    3) I believe strongly in Civil Rights and Civil Liberties and don’t think (active word) they can be voted on.
    4) I am outspoken and am actually able to form complete sentences.
    5) I am a woman with a brain.
    6) I am intolerant of racism, sexism, homophobia; ah hell all forms of ignorance
    7) I am a Deist and reject all forms of Christian Evangelism (do not pray at me or offer to pray for my f’ng salvation)
    8) I married outside of my race, oh and younger than me and I am the breadwinner because I want to be and it f’ng works for us

    This list could go on and on and on. Mostly I suspect I am the froggy because I do not tolerate many of those in my family. Literally, if they will be somewhere I simply choose not to attend, unless it is a funeral or an important wedding. But, there are those in my family large and extended who I wouldn’t even let through my door. I don’t even want them pulling into my driveway. There are a couple of my biological siblings I am afraid I would b*tch slap into the next century and then pay to keep them there. I have cousins I would bury up to their necks in fire ant mounds and pour honey on their heads, then I would sit with a bottle of Mescal while I watched them suffer (entitled beatches).

    We all have Froggy’s SM. We all have fantasies about what to do with them.

  9. I saw the title and assumed you were writing about my family. I think we might be related because though my family is filled with some really nice people, there is a branch of our family tree…well Froggy sounds like he resides on that branch. I spent a good portion of my adult life making sure that that branch never had my whereabouts.

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