Lists of 2012

At the end of the year, it’s very common to find the internet and magazine racks at supermarkets brimming over with “BEST OF” lists or “Man of the Year” proclamations.

 

 

As such, I thought it best to write down some lists you will never see.

 

And so it begins.  Sweet Mother’s Worst Lists of 2012:

 

Things You Will Most Likely Own if You Are Under 40

 

Debt

 

A Bike

 

Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, 4Square, Linkedin, Google+, WordPress, Tumblr, Youtube accounts…Oh, wait, YOU don’t own those.

 

Socks and T-Shirts

 

A kid or a dog

 

An attitude

 

A FECKIN’ REWARDS CARD FOR EVERYWHERE: duane reade, cvs, ralph’s, gas stations, vons, bev mo, costco, starbux, feck me, feck me, feck me…

 

NOT A HOUSE

 

Worst Substitutes for Coffee

 

Being chased by a man with a chainsaw

 

Heroin/ Cocaine

 

Having your undercarriage groped on mass transit

 

Having your eye held open w/ some kind of eye-vice like they used in Clockwork Orange and then having steroid drops dripped into it

 

clockwork orange eye scene

I would’ve preferred a Starbucks.

 

Worst Excuses for Not Getting a Job

 

The economy is bad.

 

They’ve outsourced my skills to Indiana.

 

I’m a comedian.

 

Things that shouldn’t be used in place of condoms

 

Saran Wrap

 

New Skin Liquid Bandage

new skin liquid bandage

 

Sausage casing

 

Fruit Roll Up

 

A Bridal Veil

 

Cobwebs

 

Worst Christmas Presents

 

Anything the bank is giving away for free

 

Anything your Aunt Judy gives you

 

De-icing Salt

 

Socks

 

Phlegm  (I mean there’s a “g” in it!  Why is there a feckin’ “g” in it??!!)

 

Worst Ways to Spend an Office Break

 

Run into traffic

 

Flood the office toilet

 

Throw your lit cigarette on to the terrace below and set building on fire

 

Talking to Phil

 

Waiting for an over-priced sandwich

 

Worst Magazine Lists of 2012

 

Most Successful People Under Age 25

 

Most Successful People Under Age 18

 

Most Successful People Under Age 12

 

Most Successful People Under Age 4

 

Most Successful People Who Aren’t You

 

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I could go on and on and on, but I don’t want to hurt you.  Anyway, Merry, Merry to everyone and lots of love to you and yours.

 

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Sweet Mother is updated daily-ish.  You can follow this blog by clicking the “follow” link at the top of the page.

 

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You might also like:

Wifesy and the Indian

 

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Photo creds:

Clockwork, second-skin

 

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33 thoughts on “Lists of 2012

  1. This goes at the top of best list post ever! I especially like the list of things that shouldn’t be used in place of condoms.
    Happy Holidays Sweet Mother. Thank you so very much for the gift of laughter you’ve given me. I look forward to bwwwwhhhaaaas and lols and lmaos and roflmaos in 2013. I hope the Mayan’s were just too busy smokin’ weed to complete that calendar. ;)

    1. honies! glad you enjoyed. and thank YOU for making my blog such a lovely place to be this past year. honestly, momma so appreciates it. and the mayans are lyin’s. i should slap myself for that one…loool. xo, sm

      1. I know a guy that really used saran wrap and a rubber band out of desperation (he has a daughter from this ‘incident). Why is it the people that shouldn’t reproduce, do it so well?

        I like your under 40 list – I have all of those things – even a Not A House.

      2. no.no.nooooo. to the saran wrap and the rubber band. dear god. some ladies will let anything into their vjayjay. the ‘not a house’ is a big one, isn’t it… loool. i laughed ’til i cried. xoxo, sm

      3. Dear lord baby Voldemort…what scares me mabukach is that your story reminds me of someone that I know. He was trying to create “condom shorts” for THE longest time which are essentially a pair of boxer briefs that has a hole cut out of them…the condom actually extends into the hole and “held” together by a metal ring.

        When I started grilling him on certain aspects like using non-toxic glue so as not to poison the using parties, he got all flustered. I expect a child from him soon too…

  2. I’m wondering now if my peeps would add “anything Aunt Lorri gives you” to the list of worst Christmas Presents. I’m thinking I need to go buy a stack of iTunes cards so that I can stay off that list – whew!

  3. You made me cry again, Mama. That “Most Successful” section is me to a T. My kids are more successful than I am and they are 5 and 2. But I wasn’t crying because I was sad (well, maybe a little). And I think it would be fun to flood the office bathroom at break time, as long as it’s not my office/house. These toilets are flooded enough because of aforementioned kids.

    P.S. Phlegm is probably the stupidest word in the English language. Followed by any word that had a silent ‘b’ like lamb, plumb, and dumb.

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