kiwi fruit, new zealand

(Post 21) Naphtalia

Dear Talia,

 

 

You left something at my house that I would like to return to you.  Yes, I know it has been over six years, but I believe you may want this item.  To be truthful, I want it the feck out of my house.  But, I suppose since I am contacting you about it, I owe you an explanation as to why I haven’t contacted you sooner.

 

It’s simple really.  You have a heart like a plate full of castor beans and rice!  Most botanists will tell you that an adult human would be killed simply upon eating one castor bean.  Yet, you continue to serve those around you an entire all-you-can-eat buffet of death.  I don’t know why you do this, but I suppose much like the lethal oleander, you must find yourself cute.

 

plants that kill

Death beans.

 

Well, you’re not cute.  That’s why I used to call you “hairy culottes” to my friends.

 

Yes, you remember culottes, the hideous pant/ shorts made popular by French dandies!  (Today they are mostly shorts for obese women.)  You know what I’m talking about!  Don’t play stupid!  Well, I think you should know where this is going at the very least.  You see, I am bordering on hairless (thank god!) like an Irish mole-rat (it’s one of my finer qualities), but you are hairier than an Italian woman in a gorilla costume.  The truth is, whenever you had those legs of yours waxed the end result, on the rest of your body, was hairy culottes!  A torso-concealing-wrestling-suit made out of your remaining hair!  I once thought if we were ever caught making love that someone might call out, “Why is that woman humping a full blown SASQUATCH!”  And yet, I endured you.  I endured you because my heart was full.  It was very full and brimming before you made it rain castor-killing beans all over my hair-free parade.

 

big foot, sasquatch

 

I think you always knew.  You always knew that you’d let yourself love me and that you’d make me fall in love with you in return, but that at one point you’d end it.  “End it” is not even the right turn of phrase.  “End it” suggests maturity and strength of character.  You’re more of a runner.  You’d run in the end because you didn’t want to disappoint your family and what could be more disappointing than a gay?  I mean the horror!  It would mean you’d have to stick up for yourself!  You’d have to tell your whole family – the only Jews in New Zealand – to close down the Hebrew school that your father started because of the scandal!  A gay??!  A gay?  A GAY JEW?!  No, no, no, it’s bad enough you’re an artist, but you can’t let your family also accept you as a gay.  You’ll have to just suck it up, as many woman have since the beginning of time, and you’ll have to marry a man.  Why not?  Virginia Woolf did it, after all, and Eleanor Roosevelt.  Why not you?

 

What is it that they call you folks in New Zealand?  Wait, it’s the Kiwi, isn’t it?  I’m sure your country is a beautiful one – although I’d never know because you were too embarrassed to have me meet any of your family – and I have no idea if the Kiwi nickname is meant in a derogatory fashion or not.  Regardless, I can not stop thinking about the Kiwi.  Yes, the Kiwi.  I often plunge them into my juicer these days.  Sometimes one at a time.  Sometimes two and three at a time.  Squish! Squish! Squish!  The feeling I get from making juice every morning – well – it’s completely cathartic.  I’ve even learned something about the Kiwi, in fact.  It’s the only fruit I don’t have to peel before I plunge it to its death in the juicer.  You can leave its skin right on.  It likes to hold on to that skin.  It holds on to that skin for dear life.  It likes to take that second skin to the grave…

 

…KIND OF LIKE YOU.  YOU AND YOUR SECOND, KIWI, SKIN COVERING UP THE HUGE GAY YOU ARE INSIDE.  YOU, USING THAT SKIN TO SHOW STRAIGHT TO THE WORLD WHEN REALLY DOWN UNDER, IT’S NOTHING, BUT SQUISHY, GREEN, GAY, GAY, FAGGOTY, GAY, FULL-ON, FRUIT THAT YOU ARE!!!  It’s a sham, a travesty, but thankfully…

 

It is now also some other poor feck’s problem.

 

For we -you and I- are no longer.

 

So, I’d like to give you back your sock.  It’s a single sock that you left at my house over six years ago…on our last night together.  I don’t know where the other one has gone.  But, I do know that it’s made out of that peruvian wool that you like so much and I’m sure they were expensive and made by the hands of some suffering child up in the Himalayas.  I’m sure this sock is all of those things because you were always such a pretentious a**hole!  Therefore, I want to give you your precious thing back, so you can kill it.  I’ve already tried.  I used it to clean the dog’s anus hole after she had a touch of doggie dysentery.  I knew the soft wool would do the job right.  Of course, I rinsed it out after.  Then I shoved it in a ziploc bag along with this note to mail to you.

 

Hope you are well and that you’ve found a team of people to help you manage your hair issue.

 

Izzy

 

***

Note:  There’s a great new post over at Canadica by the wonderful “He Who.”  It’s all about the difference between American and Canadian casinos and I found it to be a fascinating read.  Give it a looksy and help keep Canadica alive!

 

**

Sweet Mother is updated daily-ish.  If you’d like to join the merriment, you can follow this blog via email by clicking ‘follow’ at the top of the page.

 

*

Photo creds:

Kiwi-feature, castor-beans, bigfoot

 

About these ads

28 thoughts on “(Post 21) Naphtalia

  1. Remind me not to leave any socks at your house. Or anything else that might find its way to your dog’s anus…

    Wonderful post. Its angst no doubt comes straight from the heart. Glad you have a non-castor bean woman in your life now. :)

    1. i was trying to write something like dave sedaris’s piece where the girl makes her betraying best friend read her eulogy letter out loud. i don’t think i came close, but it was fun to try anyway. and ure socks are safe here. loool. i’ve lost my mind. xo sm

      1. That is so weird because just five minutes ago I was discussing Dave Sedaris’s books on a book forum I’m a member of. Must have been channeling you. So was this woman really in your life, or did you just pull one over on me?

      2. there was a ‘hair culottes,’ but she wasn’t from new zealand. i just had a crazy desire to use a kiwi reference… i’m mining what i call my ‘ex-files’ for some posts over the next week or so… it seems i’ll have to finish sid and mary tho or ppl will be madsy… lool. xo

    1. they’re named after the bird and not the feckin’ fruit??!!!!!!! that is so feckin’ unacceptable. well, what do i know. american education. i’m lucky i know where canada is. goddermn it, okay, time to look at the bird… hmmm, i haven’t said that in a while… xo, sm

    1. stop it. sasquatch is okay in dudes. not so good in ladies. eh, i was just feckin’ around stretching my writer legs today, but you know… sometimes that means that you trip… looool.

  2. Now let me get this straight SM, there was no ex-lover who dumped you. There was never anyone who broke your heart and left her expensive sock behind. There is no reason to harbor such anger/pain? Your life is sweet and need to create reasons not to be happy. Do you have a dog?

    1. ok lotta, you asked for it…

      new zealand – not true, also not about the kiwi fruit, apparently

      hairy culottes – totally true

      sock – not true, it was a watch

      afraid in the closet ex who married a dude – totally true and i have two of them

      currently happy life – totally true

      dog – also check

      struggling for post ideas — uggggggggh, also completely f’en true. lool.

      xo, sm

  3. It’s a shame when people can’t love themselves. Especially their true selves. I hope that if any of my kids (if I have any) are gay that love themselves, and know I love them, enough to not hide it, or live a lie.

    Hugs to you for your pain, Rebecca. I’m glad you have Wifesey in your life now.

  4. Culottes, only fat women wear them? I wore them when I was really skinny but now find them really unattractive. Wow, perhaps I should rethink my wardrobe choices.

    I will never leave socks at your house, never.

    So pleased you had to invent angst!

    Happy 2013!

    1. wrong continent? wrong thing entirely… i assumed fruit. it is the bird. so annnnnnooooyyyyyyying. and they’re spelled the same way. really, world, really? lol. xo, sm

      1. Sorry on behalf of NZ that the misinterpretation of kiwi f****d up your metaphor slightly. Although I’m sure you could run well with the imagery of juicing our crazy national bird … Flightless but with little wing nubs, lays eggs as large as its body, uses its long beak and hyper sensitive sense of smell to find food as its nocturnal and nearly blind lol. I have zero idea why we chose it as the symbol of our people!
        I assume the Chinese gooseberry was renamed kiwi fruit (which is how we know them), as a marketing ploy. Their colour is the same as the kiwi bird, and they probably wanted to align them with our country when we started mass exports of them.
        Anywayyyy…I like your posts a lot and have been reading on and off since the one when you rang the customer service line :-) I’m blogging under te title pepibebe at wordpress. Im not much of a comedian but you may like my posts ‘Chrooster & Young Patch’, or ‘Plenty of Time for a Cuppa’. Take care and keep on juicin’.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s