There are always going to be those jokes between the genders. The “he always leaves the toilet seat up,” “she likes to shop,” “and he bogarts the remote” type of jokes. Sure, there are a lot of differences – thank god – between men and women, but one thing that’s not talked about much are the differences between gay men and lesbians. That’s the topic I’m going to dissect today. Keep in mind, of course, that not everything I’m saying holds true for ALL gay male couples. When you talk about one group and you generalize, there are ALWAYS going to be exceptions to the rule. The below is mainly an overarching -amusing- theory seen through the prism of my experience. So, take it all with a grain of salt.
The open relationship
Okay, we all know about Papi on the L Word (or some of us do) and lord knows there are plenty of gay and straight FEMALE lotharios, but this open relationship thing seems predominately gay male to me. I know gay men in GREAT relationships for ten years or more and every now and again they throw in a third party to mix it up. Good for them. I’m not judging. But, for me -personally- I’d lose my goddmerned mind. Couldn’t do it. No way, no how.
Liza Minnelli/ Judy Garland/ Elizabeth Taylor
Just what in the feck is happening here? Listen, I know these broads can sing and act (or could). I like them. However, I would not throw myself off of an Olivia cruise to see one of their shows. I’m just not that hysterical about them. And some gay men are panting, fainting, teenage girls/ Beetle-mania crazy about these divas. I suppose they react in the same way I do when Wifesy told me that Jillian Michaels was speaking at her Veterinary conference. Me: “Are you feckin’ kidding me??! No. No!! You have to find a way to sneak me in. I’ll contort my body into a gym bag! Just make it happen!!!”
The more accepted the gay gets, the more gross gay dudes get
Now, before you get your g-string in a wad, let me explain. When a movement gets more accepted, you’re going to see more variations within that movement. It used to go like this: gay guy – effeminate, well dressed, well spoken, zero body fat, prissy. gay girl – butch, good with a hammer, masculine, loose fitting clothes, spiky hair. Now we’re all over the place. There are lipstick lesbians and there are bull dykes. There is also now a new breed of gross, gay, dude. Sorry, but there is. I’ll give you an example. Wifesy and I were in San Francisco at a nice, gay, bar with an outside patio. The outside patio was packed. Wifesy and I went to the only “seats” available, which were really these raised picnic table benches. We sit down and less than a foot away from us is a 400lb, gay, guy who is constantly spitting. He’s drunk, granted. But, he’s spitting in an incredibly crowded space and what’s worse, he’s not even getting it all out of him. So, a great deal of the spittle is just hanging off his half-shaven chin like a clothesline of mucus. God how I wanted a martini swilling swishy gay in his place at that very moment. It was one of the grossest things I’ve ever seen. Needless to say, Wifesy and I were out of there.
There are a lot of gay male things that I envy: go-go boys that are actually gay boys, gay bars of your very own (not just a night), and DINKS (dual income no kids and with two, male, salaries…that’s usually a lot of dough. two lesbos it’s usually a social worker’s salary and a teacher’s. sigh.). But, that is all for another day. Today, just enjoy my small list of confusion. Momma loves you.
Now, walk towards the light, Carol Ann.
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