prilosec comedian

Garlic Takedown (#337)

The night before last I had some yucca fries with a killer garlic sauce for a starter.  Then I had a garlic chicken.  Hey, it was cuban food.  About ten minutes after the garlic chicken, I was rendered immobile by my insides.  It was the IN-DIE, folks, and the indigestion is the biggest and best sign that you are officially…

 

AGING.

 

That and a puzzled, furrowed brow, look every time you turn on MTV.

 

2 days.  For 2 days, I was a mess because of some garlic.  I use to drink a mess of alcohol followed by a cheeseburger chaser and now I’m flattened by garlic.  What in the feck?  I should change my diet, but I fear I’m more likely to start pre-gaming that medication the redneck comic in the flannel pitches on tv.

 

garlic chicken

A round trip where the going is great and the coming is Noooooooooo!

 

The whole thing reminded me of my mother.

 

Around ten years ago, I won a dinner for 2 in manhattan at a fabulous French restaurant through a “high sales” contest at the restaurant where I worked.  The specialty at the French joint was -of course- garlic chicken.  I took my mom and the plan was to see the broadway play, “The Vagina Monologues” afterwards.

 

Don’t ask me why, but the play was my mom’s choice.  It surprised me because my mother thinks feminists “hate men.”  She’s not exactly Gloria Steinem.  Hell, she’s not even Mary Tyler Moore.  My mother also kept referring to the play as the “Vagina CHRONICLES.”  I don’t know why the hell she thought they were “chronicles,” but this amused me to no end.  I kept saying, “Mom, it’s not an episodic.  It’s one monologue per actress about vaginas.  It’s not here’s my vagina today, tune in to see what happens to it tomorrow…”

 

Mom and I thoroughly enjoyed our garlic chicken, booze-filled dinner before heading over to the play.  It was the same feeling I had while the Cuban garlic chicken was going down.  It was the calm before the storm.

 

We sat in our velvety, theater chairs and then THE STORM HIT.

 

Mom had the IN-DIE.  I, on the other hand, was about to die of mortification.  Why?  Because mom’s in-die was audible.  She kept making a sound like this:

 

OWWWH, OOOOFFFF.

 

OWWW, OOOOOOF.

 

OWWW, OOFFFFFF.

 

People sitting around us began to look at me.  It was like it was my fault.  One woman stared with a glare that said, “Get your mother out of here.”  Another one seemed to be saying, “Your mother is clearly having a heart attack!  Don’t you care!”

 

Of course I did, but I really wanted to see the “Chronicles” at this point.

 

But, the situation was dire.  So, mom and I stomached as much of the production as we could (pun intended) and then I walked mom back to the train.

 

I put her into the car to head home at my dad.  As mom looked out the window at me and the train pulled away, her face said, “Sorry.  Sorry.  I overdid it.”

 

A decade later my mom was pre-diabetic and hospitalized due to pneumonia.  My mom,  who had struggled with her weight her entire life, would lose 75 lbs.  More impressively she’s kept it off FOR YEARS.

 

It’s a sad realization that your body can no longer endure what it used to.  I think we unconsciously fight against this kind of change.  But, the truth is we need to change with the times of our lives like Prince or Madonna.

 

prince

normal celebrities

This is from an AWESOME blog post called, “Celebrities Photoshopped to Look like Regular People.” LINK BELOW.

 

Okay, maybe not like Madonna or Prince.

 

What about you?  Have you cut out a certain foods that you love, simply because they no longer love you?

 

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Photo creds:

Celebs Photoshopped, Prince, Prilosec-feature, garlic-chicken

 

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51 thoughts on “Garlic Takedown (#337)

  1. Jesus I like the Madonna creation.

    Re the food, I haven’t gotten to that point despite the fact that I am a tad older than yourself. My bride lost her ability to eat some seriously spicy stuff when she gave birth to spawn #1 21 years ago. He has developed an iron constitution and uses red pepper flakes on everything but his oatmeal. The bride says she passed along her ability to stomach most anything to her kids. I just call her a candy-ass.

    1. wifesy aslo puts the pepper flakes on ALL with no repercussions. me, not so much. isn’t the madonna photo creepily fab? looooollll. i nearly fell over when i saw it. thanks for swinging by here and reading this thing, mike. much love, sm

  2. As someone who over did just about everything in college, I paid for it severly not long after. To make a long story not as long, I ended up with constant heartburn and was on Prevacid for years! I weaned myself off of it and have since been pretty good with the occasional tums now and then. (Try cutting back on the NSAIDs first if you take them. They did the most damage in my non-medical view) That being said if. I know I’m in for a night of boozing and/or hot wings I always have some nearby… So I definitely feel your pain and have been there

    To your bigger point though, I think you get a certain number of “immunity time” in your life. Where you can basically kick your own ass (and learn many life lessons in the process) after that your body starts gradually rejecting things to force you to make lifestyle changes whether you want to or not.

    That’s my non medical theory on it based on my experiences and observations.

    Garlic is more good than bad! HA

    1. tj, i love this concept of “immunity time.” i’m with you. i had a cast iron stomach as a kid and young adult. now, not so much. and agreed. the nsaids are the necessary devil. if you ever want to enjoy naughty things, you need them. but, i suppose the key is not to make ’em a part of the everyday life, which means cutting out some of the delicious things. sigh. but, i suppose the alternative -death- is perhaps worse. loool. as always, love seeing you here. xo, sm

      1. Yea I’ve always felt bad for anyone that had food or drink allergies and had to give up certain foods. Food is such a big part of my life that would suck big time! At least in this case I know what causes the issues and how to fix it when I do enjoy the finer (funner??) things in life 🙂

        I did want to add, I remember reading something a while back about all the tums and antacids actually being the cause of some heartburn…. No clue if its true, but interesting thought.

        Take care!!

  3. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The visuals are incredible. Been there, done that, SM. As far as the foods go, I have such a limited repertoire of foods that I will eat (mostly junk, I might add) that it would be suicide to cut anything off my list. And like Mike G’s spawn #1, I sprinkle crushed red pepper on just about everything I eat. It makes me hot. “At least inside,” says Michelle. “Hot is just a state of mind,” I retort. “Just ask Becky.”

    1. lmao. your comments always make me smile, he who. i hate not being able to do whatever the feck i want. hate it! now, of course, i can, but it’s the paying-for-it-later thing that’s a b*tch. so, i’m trying to find the place of balance as mr myagi once said. at the very moment the place of balance is chicken soup! xo, sm

  4. My change has been more in terms of not being able to cut down certain foods, like breakfast. I used to skip breakfast like a knight on a chessboard, but I can’t anymore. BTW I like your short form for indigestion!

  5. I loved, loved, loved my mother so! She died April 15, 1998 and a day doesn’t go by that I don’t think of her or laugh out loud at a funny moment we shared! That was my take-away from your posting…F$%K Food!

  6. I had to cut out red peppers. They wreak havoc on my stomach. And as much as I love garlic, I can’t overdo that either. Luckily, chocolate has thus far showed no ill effects…

    1. it’s weird about the garlic. i can do it in some things and not in others. and i can NOT do raw onion. used to be able to, no so much anymore. and the booze can cause problems, which SUX! maybe gods way of saying, ‘you’ve had enuf!’ thankfully the chocos still okay too. xo beck

  7. Broccoli — can’t do it anymore and eggs are beginning to bother me. Crapfest that Madonna pic — that’s probably what she really looks like. With her stooped British accent.

    1. okay, eggs and broccoli are healthy!!! i can’t believe your body is rejecting the healthy foods! christ, that is unfair! and the madonna pic is utterly delicious. i mean, COME ON!!!! that’s what i said when i looked at it. and then i couldn’t stop looking. it’s a glorious train wreck. loool. love you, briges! sm

  8. I had to recently cut out my Pepsi and Beefaroni intake. (sad face) I ate my usual bowlful and drank my usual 1 liter. I went to sleep and woke up with IN-DIE so bad I nearly pucked (another stolen word). (sick face) Fortunately, TUMS. (happy face)

  9. I’m baffled Mum. I put garlic in just about everything I cook, and it’s meant to be really good for you too. The only thing that has ever given me THAT kind of indigestion is very fatty meat, and then only sometimes, which is weird because I am fine with roast pork crackling. Hope you’re okay now.

    1. i’m totally fine. but, my stomach has become a weirdo as i’ve aged. usually i can tolerate garlic no problem. but, this was cuban and a different thing entirely. there was a mucho hot garlic dipping sauce and the chicken was literally swimming in it. delicious, but, gawd, they should literally have the antacids in a jar at the table at this place. lmao. hope you are well, meeks. xo, sm

    1. i think it was mainly she cut out booze. AND started to go way easier on the carbs. and she really looks at labels now. wifesy and i have these ‘natural fruit juice’ pelligrinos in our house. i offered mom one, she looked at the label and said, “do you know how many sugars are in that thing?!” this is something she NEVER would’ve done in the past. so, she literally has changed her way of eating. i mean she was diabetic and she is no longer. so, she really made a change. and i’ve heard that about the dairy… that it’s really good to cut back. did you feel better after? oxo, sm

  10. Hahaha I almost died watching those photoshopped celebrities.

    (But Prince is above all that…)

    You daughter of a…! You made me realise I’m getting OLD! I’m considering giving up green apples. And I love me some green apples. But my digestive system just does not agree. And I’m sure it wasn’t like that before. I’m only 28, dammit!

    1. you’ve got a way to go, luv. you’ll be fine. and green apples?! i can’t get over the body rejecting healthy foods. so strange. but, it’s bizarre the things that agree with our systems and the things that don’t. and the photoshop pics…oh! they are the best thing i’ve seen on the web in a while! loool. xo, sm

  11. My stomach is in constant protest of everything I have ever done in the last 40 years. I eat Tums like candy and have a bottle of Pepto “at-the-ready” as well as a prescription for Prilosec – my medicinal savior. About two years ago I had my gallbladder removed and I can no longer eat any form of Pineapple without serious pain. I miss pineapples. Now I am trying to make better food choices – not just for my fragile tummy – but because all of a sudden I want to be healthier. My mid-life crisis happens to involve the abandonment of binge drinking and truck stop deliciousness. :/

    1. that’s a pretty awesome midlife crisis. i think it beats a lamborgini (sp?) purchase any day! and i hear you, tempermental… (what the feck, i can’t spell anything today) anyway, that’s what i’d call my stomach these days. i hate those antacids, but when it’s really going down, they are the ONLY thing that helps. ay yay yay. 😉 xo, sm

  12. I have to agree with Mike G… seeing Madonna in that state suddenly makes me feel a strange sense of reassurance. Maybe that makes me a nasty “Mean Girl” type of woman, but it is true.

    Wine gives me heartburn. It is so sad and pathetic. 😦

    1. nope, it gave me reassurance too. 😉 it may very well be the best part of this post. and it’s stolen! with credit, of course. lool. and sometimes the red wine gives me the in-die too. and i LOVE red wine!!! super sad face. alright, i’m back. 😉 sm

  13. Sweet Mom in my case its Pizza…had to give it up..still eat a slice one a while but no more than that…and that too at my own risk…my stone and pancreas infection scared me enough plus my stomach wont take too much cheese now.. 😛
    but garlic and chilly are like big part of almost every meal of mine..im a chilly junkie….

    1. hello, lil miss! it’s good to see you here. i love me some chilli too. but, pizza??!!!! you have to give up pizza? that’s almost like a crime! loool. but, i hear you – if it doesn’t make you feel good, it has to go. it ain’t worth it. xo, sm

    1. i have the raw onion thing too! never bothered me when i was younger, but now, forget it. they put a raw onion on the reg chzburger at in n’ out. i always have to ask them to leave it off. bummer, cause i like onion, but it ain’t worth the pain! hope you are well, jm. xoxo, sm

  14. As I’m reading backwards into time today, I find this very ironic. I’m sitting here as my insides make rumbling furnace noices that the human body should not make. This is higlhy annoying as I have not had anything to eat that has ever given me problems before. So I have no idea what is triggering this biological cacophony of rumbles and growls and groans.

  15. Oh god I totally know what you’re talking about. At the most extreme, last night, I hadn’t even eaten and I had the worst case stomach cramps. Not sure if I had a bug or it was some kind of indigestion. But sadly, I love garlic and it’s started to fall out of love with me. Did I mention aging sucks?

  16. At one point it seemed like everything was making me sick. It was a very stressful time in my young life and all that stress went right to my stomach. I have since become a vegitarian, but meat is not the food that killed me most: It was fettucini alfredo. That’s right, all that creamy, rich chessey goodness piled on pasta has made me sick more than any other food. I haven’t eaten it since. It still sounds good, but I know better now!

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