The Geek Shall Inherit the Earth

“Hey, Younger Self.  You know that wooden bookcase near the closet that houses all the  encyclopedias?  The one you use when your parents tell you to look stuff up?”




“Well, by the time you’re out of college, you won’t need it.”


“You’re kidding,” said Little Me.


“Nope.  And that state of the art word processor that your parents bought you for school…you know, the cool typewriter with the LED screen?”


“Yeah, I love that thing.  It was better than just about everybody’s.”


“It’s going to be obsolete.”


“How obsolete?  I know there’s the computer, but you have to be like an aeronautical scientist to figure out how to make it do anything other than one single line of text repeated over and over again.”


“That will change.  An imbecile will be able to make feature films on this one.  And that CD disc walkman you have for working out…Say bye, bye.”


“Come on, those just came out on the market.”


“I know, but they’ll be something better and smaller.”


“Impossible, you can’t get smaller than the CD.”


“Yep, you can.  It will be called the MP3.”


“That sounds like weaponry.”


“Maybe, but it’s beautiful and you can even email them back and forth.  That’s right, you can send songs to people.”


“You mean through the mail?  That already happens.  You join Columbia records and get like a zillion records for a penny.”


“Oh, sh*t, that’s right.  You don’t know about email yet.  It’s like mail, but instead of waiting for days, you wait seconds.”




“Seconds.  See, done.  I’ve sent you and email.”


“But, where is it?”


“It’s on the computer you will have in the future.”


“This is getting weird.  I’m not sure I’ll have a computer.  I don’t even like computer class.  All those big white boxes with the flashing green cursor…it’s not appealing.”


“All of that will change.  By the time you’re done with your first job, you’ll be completely reliant on your computer.”


“What do you mean completely reliant?”


“Well, you’ll use it – everyday, every minute.”


“What the feck for?”


“For looking things up.  For finding places, for reading, for writing, for doing just about everything.  Also, when you don’t feel like carrying your computer around, you’ll do computer-ish things on your phone.”


“My phone?  The phone is connected to the wall, Stupid.”


“One day it won’t be.  You’ll carry it in your pocket.”


“No matter how big my butt gets, I will not have room for the goddermned phone.”


“The phone will get smaller, even as your a** gets bigger.”


“Thanks.  Wait, how much smaller?”


“Smaller than your passport.”


“Oh my god!”


“Tell me about it.  It’s pretty feckin’ cool, huh?”


“Yeah.  Will I be able to afford all of this?  I mean I’m assuming I’ll be totally rich, but just in case…”


“You will afford it.  In fact, most yahoos out there in the modern world will be able to afford it.”


“Jesus, what a utopia!”


“Well, not totally.”


“What do you mean?  Do the computers eventually eat us?”


“Not as far as I can see.  But, the internet, email, your phone – it will be filled with a lot of sh*t – spam, trolling, bullying, cat videos…”


“Cat videos?  How boring?”


“I assure you.  They’re not.  Cat videos will become one of the most fascinating things on the internet.  CATS ARE THE STARS OF TOMORROW!”


(Watch this 30 second cat video.  It’s feckin’ worth it.)



“What about these trolls?  Do they live down in caves and run the internet?”


“Well, you could say that.  But, they’re not trolls in the sense that you’re thinking of them.  I only wish they were little hobbits with big ears and gigantic feet and hearts of gold.  No, these cretins are usually lonely guys sitting in a basement somewhere and being d*cks for fun.”


“Strange.  What do you think these trolls did before computers?”


“They probably made weird collages of celebrities and collected obscure action figures while living off the kindness of their moms.”


“That’s odd.  Is this what the lord meant by – the meek shall inherit the earth?”


“I think that’s a biblical misunderstanding like a lot of things in the good book.”


“What do you mean?”


“Well, I don’t think it was ever – the meek shall inherit the earth.”


“What was it then?”


“Probably something more like – the geek shall inherit the earth.”


“Oh no.”


“Oh yes.”


“Is there any way to stop them?”


“Oh dear god.  What will that mean for us – the middle people – the people stuck somewhere between geek and cool cat…”


“We will blog.”


“What the hell does that mean?  Blog?”


“It’s like a diary, but it can be about anything.”


“Wait, but I already have a diary.”


“Yeah, but now people will read it.”


“What the feck?!  I don’t want people reading my diary!”


“In the future, you will.”


“Oh, dear god.  Should I stay young forever like Peter Pan or pop singer, Tiffany?”



“No, not unless you want to wear shoulder pads for the rest of your life.”


“Yeah, those are ugly.  They make everyone look like the letter Y.”


“You’re damn right they do.  Whole blogs will be dedicated to shoulder pad desecration in the future.”


Why was this okay?


“What?  That’s outrageous.  Don’t people have better things to do with their time?”


“Better how?  1980s style better?  You mean like crafting?  Sticker books?”


Little me starts to cry.  “You are so right!  So right!  I need to grow up and get the feck out of the 80s right now!  But, no matter what happens, I am not giving up my affection for C. Thomas Howell.”


Pony Boy, I will always love you, no matter what Older Me says.


“Oh, yes you will.”


“You’re kidding.”


“Nope, he’ll be a goner in your eyes.”


“Why?  Does he die in a plane crash like the guy in La Bamba?”


“No, Howell is no longer famous.  And you are gay.”


“Gay?  What the feck is that?”


“Don’t worry.  It’s pretty cool.”



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Photo creds:  howell, shoulderpads, tiffany