Okay, so there’s an article in the Huffington Post and in essence it talks about “Hillary Clinton’s Fat Face.” The quotes are mine, but that is the gist of the article. Now, I believe – after reading such a thing – that I am a good place in my life to quasi-counsel little girls on how one should feel when reading an article that is solely on the subject matter of “Hillary’s Fat Face.” Well, little girls (and grown women) you should feel pissed off. You should also say, loudly, “She’s also the goddermned Secretary of State” and no that does not mean she takes dictation. Before that she was the first woman to run for president in the United States. Period. Now, ladies, there are people who will look at you when you say this with eyes that seem to be whispering, “Yes, but that does not make up for her fat feckin’ face.” I am here to say — OH YES, IT FECKIN’ DOES.
I think I need to make one of those crazy, “LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!” videos, but for Hillary.
So, for the little girls out there old enough to read my fecks and goddermns, here are some important life lessons:
1. If you become a doctor or a lawyer that trumps skinny thighs.
Yep, yep it does. People will tell you – oh, no – if you’re a woman you need to be a doctor or a lawyer WITH skinny thighs. I say no because if you become a doctor or a lawyer you will have enough money to keep people around you who don’t give a sh*t about your thighs or at least you’ll be able to pay them enough to act as if they don’t. And that is enough for me. You know, fake it until you make it or in this case LIE UNTIL THIS BULLSH*T DOESN’T MATTER ANYMORE.
2. Someone WILL call you fat.
This will happen. It is inevitable for EVERY woman, even the skinny ones. When it happens, call up your best girlfriend and discuss with them what it felt like to be called fat. I assure you, she in turn will tell you her, “I was called fat once” story.
3. Someone WILL call you ugly.
This will happen. Know that when it does, you are not ugly. The ugly is within the name caller and this is an outward projection. Shrug off the ugly comment and do something to make yourself feel even prettier than you already are.
4. Read something.
If the world or just some a-hole calls you ‘fat face,’ read something. Reading something will make you smarter and instead of reeling from the jab, you can spend your time figuring out how to make more money. Money can buy you guns and you can use those to…never mind. Just read something, it’s good for you.
5. Fat means you can eat.
I’m not saying we should hold fatness up on high like a virtue, but a little overweight is a crime? Really? I don’t think so. Some people in some very impoverished places in the world would love to be called fat because it might mean they ate something last night. Think about that for a while.
6. You will get less absorbent like Gore-tex.
Age will make you give less of a sh*t. And while I’m sure it still stings for Hilary when she is on the receiving end of nasty comments, I also know that wisdom and power help to soothe that sting. People may call Joan Rivers old and nasty, but if she wants she can simply sell one of her houses and laugh her way to the bank.
7. Fat faces are beautiful.
Let’s say you show little babies a slideshow of faces. Which faces do you think the babies are going to like? Round, sweet, ones or SKELETOR? No one wants a skull-face. So, that means fat faces are beautiful. If anyone needs further proof, I’m more than happy to conduct the study.
Do you want this face? I do not.
8. Fat faces are more believable in time period cut-outs.
You know those familial costume cut-outs they have in theme parks. You step behind the wood set and place your face in the round, cut-out holes and suddenly you’re an entirely different, pioneering family from another time. Head over to the next one and now you’re a martian family. Now, you’re The Simpsons. It goes on and on. But, if you have a skinny head and you stick your face in one of those round, cut-outs, the only thing people will think is, “Ew, Homer has a floating face or gross, that pioneer woman has a floating, Skeletor head over her body. I find that Martha Washington head to be unbelievable because of her skinny face.” I am telling you. It will happen. So, have that muffin and live guilt free.
And yes, I realize, this woman is ACTUALLY being a cow…
There you go. If Hillary is a fat head, so am I. The book, Skinny Bitch, was a huge hit. But, I’d rather write a book called Fat-Faced Fury: She’ll Eat Your Skinny Bitch and Mediate for World Peace. Look for it on bookshelves in 2020.
Thank you and you’re welcome.
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