The Strangest Ways to Make a Gayby

Okay, so a lot of you know that I talk about raising a gayby on here.  A gayby is basically what happens when a gay couple undergoes the often arduous problem of making a baby.  Now, what I don’t talk about much is HOW a gay couple goes about making a gayby.


Here’s the interesting thing – I’m writing my book and my book has to do with gaybies and so the ways to make a gayby have come up.  A couple of the methods I might actually consider trying with Wifesy and then some of them, not so much.


See, even right just then the sentence – “and then some of them, not so much”.  I pussy-footed.  I tiptoed through the delicate areas trying not to step on eggshells because what I really want to say is that some of the ways for making a gayby SHOCK THE SHIT OUT OF ME.  They leave me mouth open, wide-eyed, and blinking in disbelief.


Okay, so, everyone is entitled to their opinion – that’s no big deal.  But, here’s the thing – even though I consider myself a break down the door and shout the truth kind of comedian, I’m a touch worried about offending.  Me.  Worried about offending.


This has never happened to me before.


But, the truth is, I’m also sensitive.  I think about a gay person picking up my book and I think about them reading it.  Then I picture them reading the sections where I adamantly poke fun of/ tell the truth about/ how maybe THEY made their gayby.  I picture them walking off and crying in the corner of Barnes and Noble by the bathrooms or worse yet, throwing the book in the trash and blogging about how much they hate me.  (lol)


So, what’s an honesty driven writer to do?  I don’t know and that’s the question I lay before you wonderful people.  What do you think?


Let me give you two examples of what I’m talking about so you can give me a well informed opinion.  Here goes.


Strange Gayby-Making Ways, Example 1:


Picture Demi Moore and Woody Harrelson in that movie with Robert Redford, Indecent Proposal.  If you don’t remember the premise of the film – basically, Redford is very handsome and very rich.  Woody and Demi are very much in love, but also not so well off and also in need of money.  Redford proposes an obscene amount of money for one “night” alone with Demi Moore.  Of course, within the one “night” it’s clear that sexy time is going to happen.  Now, switch Demi Moore and Woody Harrelson out for Elton John and his husband David and let’s make Robert Redford – Charlize Theron, but this Charlize has Warren Buffet’s money.  And this Elton John is not the international star that he is, but a piano player in a small cabaret bar on Cape Cod.  He makes a very small salary and his partner needs a lung replacement.  Should Elton give up David to Charlize to make sexies with?


Redford: "I'll give you a few bucks if you touch it."


Okay, ridiculous scenario, but you see what I’m saying.  This is how some gay people are making gaybies.  Gay dudes getting together with lesbians and doing it hetero style.


Easily, I could say and do – to each their own.  However, I have to put my own opinion into the thing and the very idea of Wifesy going with someone else to make sexy time to have a baby DISGUSTS me.  I can’t.  It’s hard to think about.  I think it’s hard to think about for her too.  I mean, I hope it is.  We are in love after all.  Yet, this is one of the “methods”.  Jesus.


Yet, they did it in the L Word.  A whole scene was dedicated to Bette and Tina getting a dude in on a three-way to get his sperm, but I think they just stopped it short of sticking it in.  Nope, sticking it in was too far.  Maybe they wanted to fluff the guy up and then just hoped he’d leave his goods in a mason jar on the counter?  I don’t know.


So, there’s that and my wanting to say how I feel about it without saying to a group of gays, “Hey, the way you made your gayby is wrong and what the hell is wrong with you anyway?”


That’s not the way I roll.


Not to mention the whole thing reminds me of a second, great, little movie called French Twist.  In the film, a couple is having a hard time together – a man and a woman.  They just can’t seem to make it work.  Until, the butch lesbian drives up in her camper.  The butchie lez and the lady get it on.  Literally, it makes the lady float.  It makes her float so much that she wants to make love to her man husband again.  So, she does and she loves it, but she’s not giving up her lady lover either.  So, they divide the week like this – Mon thru Wed – lady to lady love, Thurs thru Sat – lady to man love, and on Sunday SHE RESTS.


By the end of the film, everyone who is capable is pregnant – that means lady-lady, as well as butch-lady.  Yep, I suppose things got carried away.  However, at the end of the movie, butch-lady is STILL living outside in her camper.


Completely crazy or alternative family?


And therein lies the rub, in a threesome, someone always ends up carrying the bags.  Threesomes don’t work for me.  Even in my single days, the idea always seemed good in theory and then like a horror-show in practice.  (You need a gps tracking system to know who’s putting what where.)


Strange Gayby-Making Ways, Example 2:


There’s a guy outside of San Francisco, Trent Arsenault, who calls himself a ‘donor sexual’.  He only has sex with himself – EVER.  He wacks off – sometimes films it, hey, the guy’s got to make a dollar somehow – and gives the “donation” to lesbians and hetero couples for making a baby with.


Creepy or sorta sacred?


He’s fathered 14 children this way with 4 more on the way.  Yet, he’s a virgin.  A virgin.  How this hasn’t created some kind of cult-like religion flocking to his house to encircle the man who fathers children without making the dirty sex, well, I don’t know.  All I know is I wish his name were Gary.  That way his offspring could be called, “Children of the Great Virgin Gary” – patron saint of the baby-less.


Anyway, I could go on and on.  I want to set these ideas loose on the world with my skewed perspective lathered all over them.  At the same time, I don’t want to say, “Hey, Gay, what’s wrong with you and why’d you make a gayby THAT way.  THAT was so stupid and gross.”


What’s a mother to do?


Help me, my sweet, generous, audience – how would you handle it?


What should this writer do?


With many advanced thanks,


Sweet Mother



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Letters to My Gayby


Photo credits:  Indecent Proposal, French Twist, French Twist feature, Trent