Love is a Paranoid Dream-Cheater Cornucopia of Happiness

Last night I dreamt that wifesy cheated on me.  I woke up this morning and said to her, “You know you should kiss me when you get out of bed.”

She said, “Huh, you didn’t kiss me.”

I said, “It’s not a competition, you know.  Jesus, you should kiss me.”

It was silent for a few minutes.  I brushed my teeth while wifesy was in the shower.  Then I said, “Last night you cheated on me in my dream.”

And she said, “I knew it.  I knew it.  You’re always insecure when you dream something.”

We both laughed and it was over.

I know why I had this dream.  Yesterday, we went to our accountant.  A young, Latino guy who is the Jr in his accounting business with his father.  We found out that wifesy will get about a $500 deduction for me because we are considered “single” even though we are married.  If we were considered married by the federal government, wifesy would’ve received a deduction of approximately $11,900.

$500 vs. $11, 900.

Later in the day wifesy said, “I should marry some random dude, just so we can get the deduction.”

That sounded like a terrible idea to me.  I don’t want wifesy with anyone, but me whether it is real or pretend.  I said, “I don’t really like the idea.”

She said, “Why not?  If the system is going to f*ck us, then we should f*ck them.”

Ugh, I don’t really care if you call it marriage or civil unions or serving-at-the-altar-of-disco, you have to give two consenting adults in a committed relationship the same rights as everyone else.  It civilizes people.  It makes them less paranoid and angsty.  It is ultimately good for society.  Until that happens, gay people will always be screwed.  It’s simple, really, $500 vs. $11,900.  So simple even an idiot can understand it.

Now, this is not the first time anyone has suggested that I engage in some kind of hetero-farce in order to get more justice for my homo-relationship.

My mother, for one, has been a champion at suggesting these type of ideas that make my stomach turn.

Pre-wifesy, when I was in my early 30’s and still “unmarried”, Mom suggested that I “just marry someone and then divorce him, so I can get all of the wedding gifts.”

When I looked at her in horror, she said, “Well, why shouldn’t you have what everyone else has?”

Why shouldn’t I, indeed?

Later, once I was already with wifesy for a while, Mom said, “Why don’t you just have sex with a guy, so you two can have a baby?”

Whaaatttt??!!!  Jesus.  No, Mom.  That’s not how it works.  I don’t want to be with anyone else besides wifesy.

You see, wifesy is the only person I have truly ever felt safe with.  Tax deductions and sex-capades for babies, aside.  I truly feel safe and perfectly myself when I’m with her.

I also feel lucky to have her.  And like one of my favorite writers, Darin Strauss says, “If you feel lucky to be with your partner, than you have chosen well.”

With wifesy, I want to be this better version of myself.  With her, I strive for more.  It used to be – for me, in comedy – that I only strived to pay my bills and to keep myself on the hamster wheel of the paid comic life.  Now, I strive to create.  I strive – daily – to make something that is truly mine.  I know that this is the only way I’ll ever be rewarded what I’m worth.  If that day ever comes, it will only come through this action of fingertips to keyboard.  This daily action that was inspired and encouraged by wifesy.

I honestly feel that everything I have done in my life – every good thing – has led me to wifesy.

If I were going to give any advice to gayby or anyone else on finding this kind of love, it would be the following:

Your First Love is Most Likely NOT Your Great Love
Your first love and consequent heartbreak will pass.  It will feel like it won’t.  It will feel like you’ve had the rug pulled out from under you, but it will pass, and loving and leaving the wrong ones will get easier.  Sure, there are some people who love their high school sweethearts for a lifetime, but this is the exception, not the rule.

Know Who You Are
When you know who you are, you are more likely to protect and value yourself.  This stops you from either a) becoming a doormat in a relationship or b) dating someone who is not at your level at all.  When you know who you are, you attract someone who knows who they are and that is the ultimate partnership in the end.  Like attracts like, in the best way and in the best possible sense.

Laugh at Yourself
You’re going to act like an idiot in a relationship.  You’re going to accuse your partner of cheating on you IN A DREAM!  Realize that in your true relationship – the one you’re supposed to be in – you’ll re-enact every good and bad co-dependent/ non-healthy thing that happened to you as a child with your parents.  All of these weird tics and foibles will slide into the forefront in your intimate relationships.  Realize that, though they should be noted, they are in your past and not your present.  When you act like a crazy person, admit it, and laugh at yourself.

Make Sure You Can See Clearly
When you’re young, you’re trying out who you are like a good suit.  So, sometimes you don’t even see what’s right in front of you.  You’re too focused on what you could have or on where you might be going, instead of enjoying where you are.  If someone, right in front of you, is loving you with their whole heart, the way they know how – that’s at the very least worth investigating and seeing through.  It may not be the one, but if you both learn from the experience – it’s ultimately a good thing.

Don’t Remain Close Friends with Your Exes
There are a lot of people who remain friends with their exes.  In the gay community, especially the lesbos, this theme runs rampant.  I hate this idea.  I’ve always felt that if you’re doing it right – if you’re putting your whole heart into it – it should be somewhat crushing when you leave or get left.  A person who has crushed your heart, is NOT someone you should keep around you in your everyday life.  It will do nothing, but damage.  I often think people’s desire to avoid confrontation supersedes their ability to protect their own hearts.  You may disagree with this.  I don’t care, I stand by it.

Build Strong Friendships
Build friendships that are strong enough that your close friends will tell you when you’ve shacked up with an idiot.  Most of the time, your friends will tell you AFTER you’ve went through said heartache.  They’ll say, “Oh, hey, I never liked so and so.  He never treated you right.”  WELL, WHY THE HELL DIDN’T YOU SAY ANYTHING??!  Have at least a few friends around you who will say something PRIOR to the breakup.  Have a few friends who are not afraid of confronting you or temporarily hurting your feelings if it will save you a great agony in the future.

Lastly, sweet gayby, keep trying until you find the one.  Work on yourself in the meantime, but keep looking for your other half.

Because once you do, you’ll feel like you’re tumbling out of a great cornucopia of happiness daily.  The most mundane of moments and days and seconds will make your heart swell and almost burst because your number one gave you a smile from across the room.  A touch of the hand from the love of your life can get you through 10,000 hardships and struggles.  To love with your whole heart is one of the greatest accomplishments a human being can undertake and also one of the most rewarding.

To feel accepted and worthy by another that you feel lucky enough to be with (because you have chosen well) is the stuff that elevates humanity.  It’s love in its truest form.  And it is a cornucopia that overflows with happiness.

Everyday of your life, know that your parents had that.


LTMG stands for “Letters to My Gayby” – a series consisting of life advice that I would give to my future child.

If you enjoyed this piece, you should also read:

The Education of Gayby

Sweet Mother is updated daily.  You can follow it by email below.

Photo Cred