The below is a list of what happens in my brain for the next 31 minutes after I hit “publish” each and everyday. Note: I only have about 1 original thought per minute, the other thoughts within that minute are variations of the original-thesis thought for that correpsonding minute.
Min 1: “Did my post suck today? It’s been a minute and there is only one “like”. Maybe it sucked.”
Min 2: “It’s Sunday, people don’t read very many blogs on Sunday, that’s a low-views day according to my stats.”
Min 3: “Oh, wait, it’s Monday. Okay, that is also a low-views day – so is Tuesday and Wednesday and hold on…”
Min 4: “I should’ve written about my Mom. People like it when I write about my Mom or my Wifesy.”
Min 5: “I don’t think I should’ve capitalized Mom in that last minute thought. PEOPLE KNOW MY GRAMMAR IS TOILET LEVEL. THEY CAN FEEL IT and that’s why they’re not reading this post. Mom? Mom, help! That’s when you capitalize Mom when it’s used like a name, jackass.”
Min 6: “I should’ve written something jokey. People like it when I joke. This should be a jokey blog, not a relationship/ family blog. God, such an idiot.”
Min 7: “This blog will never be freshly pressed. SWEET MOTHER WILL NEVER BE FRESHLY PRESSED BECAUSE GOD AND THE WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH HATE ME.”
Min 8: “God, I would love it if the Westboro Baptist Church protested this blog.”
Min 9: “Oh, wait, three more likes. It must be my time zone. It’s morning for me and an ungodly hour for everyone else in the world, right?”
Min 10: “People in Germany are reading…and Austria. Wait, I thought they were the same place. They’re not the same place? Oh christ, the Europeans can feel my shitty American public school education reeking through this blog and that’s why they’re not reading…wait, they are reading.”
I'm sorry that I only speak English and a sort-of Spanish...
Min 11: “I don’t know how to take good pictures. People don’t like this post because of the crappy photography.”
Min 12: “Wait, I just gained another follower! Oh, it’s that dude’s blog where I commented 57 times. After he did a background check on me and realized that I was not imminent threat to him or his family, he finally decided to follow. Phew.”
Min 13: “I only post once a day, that’s why people don’t care. I need to post 4,500 times a day. No one will pay attention otherwise. God, I’m so lazy!”
Min 14: “I should go do something else. If I go do something else, when I come back, people will have looked at this blog.”
Min 15: “I don’t care what other people think.”
Min 16: “I care very much what other people think.”
Min 17: “I only care what certain people think…people with taste. Everyone who stops by here has good taste.”
Min 18: “I’m more of a niche writer. I’m waiting for the niche to find me. Where the feck are you, Niche?!”
Min 19: “This should’ve been a travel blog.”
Min 20: “Blogging is dead.”
Min 21: “Newspapers are dead.”
Min 22: “Wait, am I dead?”
Min 23: “Four people came to my blog searching for Jared Leto. I need to do more posts on Jared Leto and His So Called Life…Wait, it’s My So Called Life. Mine.”
Thank you, Jared, dear.
Min 24: “Where are clownonfire, carrierubin, blackdoorpress, wendyworks, cauldronsandcupcakes, staciechadwick, transguy, and poietes? Oh my god, they must’ve been kidnapped! They must have lives! Nooooooooooo.”
Min 25: “Nobody ever uses the ‘share this’ buttons on here. No one has ever hit the ‘press this’ button, only I have ever hit the ‘facebook’ button, and some kind of ghost has activated the ‘stumbleupon’ button twice. I know because when I check the link it goes straight to porn. Porn!”
Min 26: “When I don’t see the numbers on that orange button go up, I don’t feel alive. Seriously, Sweet Mother, you need help.”
Grow, damn you, grow!!
Min 27: “Maybe my blog template is hard to read. Maybe I should write in a notebook, photograph it, and upload it. Maybe I should hire a plane and skywrite my pieces. Morose code? Telepathy? I’m telepathically sending you another post right now. Why aren’t you “liking” it! There’s a button right there next to your hypothalamus.”
Min 28: “You are so neurotic, ten people have liked this so far. You pay too much attention to this blog. It’s like your child. Just the other day your Wifesy said, I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR BLOG. And then she tried to drown it in the bathtub. Don’t you think that’s unhealthy?”
Min 29: “You need to go back to writing twitter jokes. 142 characters, you’re in, you’re out. Blogging is taking over your life. You’re like Perez Hilton without the fame or the money.”
Min 30: “People are saying nice things in the comments. The stats look good. Okay, okay. I’ll write something tomorrow, but only because you begged. Sorry. Sorry. I begged. I’m grateful. So, grateful. Thank you. Thank you for reading. I haven’t felt this good since Eisenhower was elected. God, now I’ve got to go and do something else!”
Min 31: “Wait, is it time to post again?”
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If you think this blog is too arrogant, you might want to read “Is Your Blog Getting Arrogant?”
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