This Is What I’ll Be Doing Today…

I’ll be scrubbing my face and making sure I look picture perfect from the neck up.  From the neck down I’ll probably wear a tutu and some polka dotted Wellington boots.  Why?  Because it’s none of the DMV’s business what I wear down there.  (Department of Motor Vehicles, for my non-yanks.  I don’t know what you call your license place.  Probably the “Office of Motorized Mobility at the Queen’s Discretion,” or something similar.)  Anyway, you know, down there, where you can’t see things, from below the windshield.  That’s right, I’m taking a stand and saying it’s none of this particular government’s business what I’m wearing down below…unless what I’m wearing is a baby across my lap, while driving.  Then, regretfully, I am Britney Spears…

 

Is that a phone too, you feckin’ lunatic??!

 

So, yeah, today I have to take my California Driver’s exam.  Thank god it’s only a written exam.  I’ve taken the online tests and I feel pretty confident.  But, then again, I’ve felt confident before about other things.  There was the time I tried to take the beach lifeguard test and got out of the pool after one lap, walked right into the locker room, changed and went home, while everyone else was still swimming.  For god’s sake, who knew you had to REALLY know how to swim – like Michael Phelps swim – to be a New York beach lifeguard??  I thought the worst that could happen was I’d have to extract a washed up hypodermic needle from out of the upper thigh of a good citizen.  How hard could that be?  But, no, apparently you have to actually know how to save people!!!

 

“Will you be my bodyguard?” Wait, that’s not right…

 

Today I’ll be challenging my knowledge on the following things that I may never use again:

 

1.  You must inform the DMV when you sell your car within 5 days of the sale.  When you steal a car, common sense dictates that you tell no one.

 

2.  You are not allowed to wear headphones in both ears while driving in the state of California.  However, ridiculous hats and scuba goggles seem to be totally within limits.

 

3.  When you park your car facing uphill and there is a curb, point the tires away from the curb.  When facing downhill with a curb, point tires towards the curb.  If there is no curb, point your tires toward the land without the curb (away from the street)…get out of the car and then run…because where in the feck are you that there is no curb?!  Appalachia?!  Do not stay.

 

4.  When you see a school bus stopping, you must stop on both sides of the street.  You may not ram your car up on to the sidewalk.  Then drive down the sidewalk to pass the car in front of you that is waiting for the bus that stopped to pick up a handicapped kid.  Yes, that happened.  Saw it on the news this morning.  You can see the insanity here.

 

So, that’s what I’ll be doing today, kids.  Testing my adulthood.  Proving I can still drive by turning my New York license into a much more Nascar-like California one.  Well, if all goes well, that is.  A more in depth and well thought out post tomorrow.  For now, you get this little nugget from my day.  I’m sorry-ish.

 

Momma loves you!

 

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Photo creds:

BritneyohBritney, Phelps