What Happens When You Don’t Eat for 9 Days…

So, I’ve blathered on and on here about weight loss and about how it’s one of my goals.  I haven’t done so in a while because I decided to stop talking about it and start doing it.  One of the first promises I made to myself is that I wouldn’t talk about it on here until at least 7 days of my initial Phase 1 had passed.  Well, they have and now I’m going to blather.


Some of you may have seen “hints” of what I was embarking on in my Coffee, A Love Story post.  The cold truth is, I didn’t only give up coffee — I GAVE UP FOOD.  Actual, chewable, food.  Now, calm it down.  I’m not on a food strike like Gandhi or a Turkish prisoner.  I did not do one of those cayenne pepper, mixed with water, and agave syrup fasts.  I tried one of those once and lasted about 8 hours.  Everyone I knew was like, “Eat, Sweet Mother, just eat.  You’re a b*tch.”  As my friend put it after I threw in the towel 8 hours later, “That wasn’t a fast.  You were just between meals.”


This time, however, I did it.  Truly.  I accomplished a juice fast.  Nothing, but ever lovin’, muthafeckin’ fruit and veggies juiced in a juicer for 9 days.  I have, as of the moment I’m writing this, lost 10 lbs.


But, you know what I miss?  FOOD.


There’s supposed to be some kind of euphoria, but I promise you, I’ve missed it.  You feel full, but not satisfied, if that makes sense.


Wifesy has been doing it with me.  I think she’s a skinny thing, but she’s convinced she had a tiny buddha belly she wanted to juice away, so she joined me.  Believe it or not, I had an easier time than she did.  Well, that’s not totally true.  In the beginning, neither of us had a good time.  Day 1 and 2 were hell, utter hell.  Your body is detoxing and will act out in any way it can.  Mine decided to throw me a blinding headache that had me lying in the fetal position on the couch.  I knew it was partially the food detox and partially the caffeine detox.  But, I will say this – I have tried to kick caffeine before and it was easier while juicing.  In other words, I’ve gone off coffee and had a headache for weeks.  Whereas, while I was juicing – two days and it was gone.  I can only assume it happened faster because I was replenishing my body with a ton of nutrients instead of shite.  Wifesy, on the other hand, had a crippling headache for almost 3-4 days and the poor thing had to go to work.  I work from home, usually, and it’s easier when you can control your environment.  When Wifesy was at work, she had to contend with lunchtime.  (The most brutal meal for the juicer is any one that is social.)  And even the cool people at work were d*ckbombs.  By day 6 and 7 they were literally taunting her with chicken sandwiches and chocolate chip cookies.  I am telling you, I would not have survived.


But, survive it we did and tomorrow we’re going back to some solid food.  We’re not getting all crazy and going out for beer and chicken wings (a favorite of mine), but we are adding in some food to the regimen.


Then after a day or two, we’re starting up the P90X like two middle aged wack-a-loons.  It’s like we’re dudes who have experienced erectile dysfunction for the first time, but instead of going out and getting Lamborghinis we’re working on some new bodies.


Phase 1 of P90X is all about high protein, low carb, good fats, and a killer workout.


I know we’re going to do well on it because I like a good workout.  I’ll probably talk about it minimally on here, but I’m sure I will talk about it.


It’s interesting to me.  When I first thought about coming up with a blog just for creative writing, initially, I thought I’d write a fitness blog.  Rather a, “my road to fitness blog.”  I looked at a lot of them.  One of my favorites was on tumblr called Ben Does Life.  I couldn’t (and still can’t) figure out how this dude got people to READ about his fitness goals on tumblr, but read they did because he sold a book on the subject.  Tumblr, for some reason, is amazing for physical, self-improvement type blogs, where all you have to do is search the word “fitness” and you’ll get a stream of images like these below.  I have captioned them for your pleasure…

Anna Kournikova after she breaks up with Enrique Iglesias, dyes her hair black, and takes up body building.

Anna Kournikova after she gets over Enrique and says, “Feck this, I can have everything that Jessica Simpson has.”

This girl wants to hate-feck that tire.


I don’t know if I will look like this after the P90X, but I can promise you I will tell you about it.  Tee, hee.


Much love,





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Coffee, A Love Story



Photo creds:

featurepic, allotherfitnesspics