This is the second spam-themed installment on Sweet Mother. Mine has a little bit of a twist. Instead of talking about the spam that comes to my blog or the eerie search terms people might google and end up on Sweet Mother, these are responses to actual junk emails I have received.
No matter what I do, no matter how many times I hit ‘unsubscribe’ these lists have my internet number. They crank email me day in and day out. This is just my small way of crank emailing back.
Dear Kohl’s $500 Gift Card,
You are a terrorist. Honestly, you text me often. You email me. You tell me I have a $500 Kohl’s Gift Card in my name and yet, I can see the land mine dressed up as shiny object. I pick you up or click your link rather and – KABOOOM! My mac computer or iphone explodes and turns into a useless carrier pigeon. I’m not buying your trickery. You don’t have a gift card for me. I fear if I brought your email into an actual Kohl’s they’d laugh me out the door by saying, “Ha! Would you transfer all of your bank account to a Nigerian man if he asked you too also?” I don’t think I would, but sometimes your talk of free money tempts me. It’s a compulsion like tweeting out pictures of your wiener.
Now, stop it, fake-Kohl’s.
Dear Save Tax,
From your email I gather that you want to help me with my taxes. However, the currency pictured in your add is not my own. I can’t figure out if it’s the Euro or the Yen. This should tell you somewhat about my financial retardation. Sadly, I can’t give you my business because I’m not sure if I have to go to China to do so…
Yours in yen-love,
My wifesy is a veterinarian. You are preaching to the wrong choir. I can get my meds for free, if I say they are for my dog…even though sometimes they are for me.
Dear South Beach Diet,
I tried you once. You didn’t work because I enjoy food. My punishment for that failure is obviously to be on your mailing list. I’m not going to buy anything else from you. This means we’re both in hell.
Paula Abdul is not a good way to get me to buy anything…unless it’s percocet.
Dear Law Crossing,
Your emailed selections of various attorney positions and antitrust and trade regulation openings is endlessly interesting to me. Sadly, I am not a lawyer. The lack of a Juris Doctorate is the result of a bad decision made long ago. It involved a microphone. I’ve been trying to write my way out of it ever since.
Dear American Airlines,
Thank you for the email offering me “more legroom and comfort.” But, honestly, I would’ve preferred if you had just honored my frequent flyer miles back when I had them. Instead, you cut the program and told me all of that “collecting” was for naught.
I think you’re naught! Naught! Naught! Naught, AA!
That is all.
Thank you for letting me know that I can get a car for $16/ a day in Tel Aviv. My only question is, will you pull out the shrapnel if I misunderstand the GPS and end up driving right through the center of a Hamas headquarters?
A girl has to plan against these things.
We begin and end with terrorism today. Shopping terrorism (the American way) and bang-bang terrorism (the jihad way). I suppose if I have to choose between the two, I’ll take the fake-Kohl’s gift card. When they arrest me for trying to spend the fake $500 will one of you come and bail me out? Or do I need to hold on to this junk mail from a California bail bondsman?
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