I need to write a list today. A short, funny, list to amuse myself and to give my longer blogging a break for a moment. Besides, everyone on the internet loves feckin’ lists. Especially, lists that include slideshows. But, I can’t figure out what to list about. So, I figured I’d write a list about the top things I should list about and then you tell me which list you’d like to see in the comments section.
It’s so meta, it’s like Andy Kaufman sucking on the wrist of Andy Dick.
Yes, that’s exactly what I mean to say.
Top 8 Sweet Mother List Ideas:
1. Top 5 Rappers Who Lady Gaga Should Call Fat.
Apparently, some rappers called the Gaga fatsy. Um, has anyone seen rappers? I mean, feck, they’re not even that subtle…they have names like HEAVY D and Notorious BIG. I’m sure I can run through a whole list of rapping fat asses to name and shame. I’m also sure I could make up a few that should exist, “Emcee Your Momma is Fat,” “Gravy Train,” “MC Super Size,” “Doctor, You Gonna Eat That,” etc.
2. List of the most adorable nicknames for Mitt Romney.
Come on, the inter-webs are calling him, “Mittens.” I think there’s more there. How about… Sir Bully-A-Lot? The Dog Destroyer? Romnexico? (Hey, he says he’s Mexican…) I think I could dredge up some gems.
3. Self Torture Tactics that I’d Rather Undertake Instead of Listening to More News About Kristen Stewart’s “Twilight” Breakup.
A short list would include – pulling out a hangnail, cleaning the oven, getting my tires rotated, and cleaning the bathrooms.
4. Unlikely Duos I’d like to See Host an Awards Show.
Rumor has it (okay, it’s not a rumor it’s true) that Amy Poehler and Tina Fey are going to host the Golden Globes. That’s a likeable duo, but wouldn’t it be more fun to see are some unlikely and unlikeable ones? Here’s my first stab at it…Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell, Chelsea Handler and Joan Rivers, Moby and Eminem, OJ Simpson and ANY WOMAN…. I could go on…
5. Why Rupert Everett Would Make a Great Dad.
Rupert Everett -a wonderfully gay, British actor- has stated that he doesn’t believe two dads should have kids. Well, let’s flip the script and talk about why he’d be a great one. Here’s a snapshot: 1. Self Loathing in a Parent Makes for a Creative Child. 2….Okay, I’m having a hard time coming up with a number 2. Maybe we should change the list to – “Film and Television Vehicles Rupert Everett Can No Longer Star In…” They would include: My Two Dads, The New Normal, Partners, Glee, A Barbecue at Doogie Howser’s House, etc.
6. Things I would Like to Have Jillian Michaels Yell At Me.
Highlights include: The lyrics to “Papa Don’t Preach,” Any Doctor Suess Book, A Sandra Cisernos Poem (specifically, “You Bring Out the Mexican in Me.”), the transcript of any medical show… In my mind, Jillian would yell these things at me and I’d do push ups or squats of some kind or maybe Cross-fit training to her screams. Hmmmm. Maybe this one is too personal?
7. The Crimes I’d Like to See Tyler Perry Make an Arrest for: A Tribute to “Alex Cross.”
The list would include: black stereotypes, dressing in drag, horrible scripts, hanging out with Oprah too much, never dating Gayle, wearing a housedress, being a gun-toting, church going, grandma, etc.
8. Most Unrealistic Ways to Make Money Online.
List would include – selling bottle caps on Ebay, cyber-begging for the Obama campaign, a membership site called, “My Boring Life” – where you tape all your inane status updates like, “just had a sandwich!” and then allow people to watch you eating said sandwich for a small fee, etc. Wait, did I just describe reality tv?
That’s it! That’s my entire List About Potential Lists, my dear people. If you’d like to see one of these “lived out” or better yet, typed out, do tell in the comments section.
Momma loves you and hopes you’re having a splendid day.
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