At the end of the year, it’s very common to find the internet and magazine racks at supermarkets brimming over with “BEST OF” lists or “Man of the Year” proclamations.
As such, I thought it best to write down some lists you will never see.
And so it begins. Sweet Mother’s Worst Lists of 2012:
Things You Will Most Likely Own if You Are Under 40
Debt
A Bike
Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, 4Square, Linkedin, Google+, WordPress, Tumblr, Youtube accounts…Oh, wait, YOU don’t own those.
Socks and T-Shirts
A kid or a dog
An attitude
A FECKIN’ REWARDS CARD FOR EVERYWHERE: duane reade, cvs, ralph’s, gas stations, vons, bev mo, costco, starbux, feck me, feck me, feck me…
NOT A HOUSE
Worst Substitutes for Coffee
Being chased by a man with a chainsaw
Heroin/ Cocaine
Having your undercarriage groped on mass transit
Having your eye held open w/ some kind of eye-vice like they used in Clockwork Orange and then having steroid drops dripped into it
I would’ve preferred a Starbucks.
Worst Excuses for Not Getting a Job
The economy is bad.
They’ve outsourced my skills to Indiana.
I’m a comedian.
Things that shouldn’t be used in place of condoms
Saran Wrap
New Skin Liquid Bandage
Sausage casing
Fruit Roll Up
A Bridal Veil
Cobwebs
Worst Christmas Presents
Anything the bank is giving away for free
Anything your Aunt Judy gives you
De-icing Salt
Socks
Phlegm (I mean there’s a “g” in it! Why is there a feckin’ “g” in it??!!)
Worst Ways to Spend an Office Break
Run into traffic
Flood the office toilet
Throw your lit cigarette on to the terrace below and set building on fire
Talking to Phil
Waiting for an over-priced sandwich
Worst Magazine Lists of 2012
Most Successful People Under Age 25
Most Successful People Under Age 18
Most Successful People Under Age 12
Most Successful People Under Age 4
Most Successful People Who Aren’t You
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I could go on and on and on, but I don’t want to hurt you. Anyway, Merry, Merry to everyone and lots of love to you and yours.
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