Lists of 2012

At the end of the year, it’s very common to find the internet and magazine racks at supermarkets brimming over with “BEST OF” lists or “Man of the Year” proclamations.



As such, I thought it best to write down some lists you will never see.


And so it begins.  Sweet Mother’s Worst Lists of 2012:


Things You Will Most Likely Own if You Are Under 40




A Bike


Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, 4Square, Linkedin, Google+, WordPress, Tumblr, Youtube accounts…Oh, wait, YOU don’t own those.


Socks and T-Shirts


A kid or a dog


An attitude


A FECKIN’ REWARDS CARD FOR EVERYWHERE: duane reade, cvs, ralph’s, gas stations, vons, bev mo, costco, starbux, feck me, feck me, feck me…




Worst Substitutes for Coffee


Being chased by a man with a chainsaw


Heroin/ Cocaine


Having your undercarriage groped on mass transit


Having your eye held open w/ some kind of eye-vice like they used in Clockwork Orange and then having steroid drops dripped into it


clockwork orange eye scene

I would’ve preferred a Starbucks.


Worst Excuses for Not Getting a Job


The economy is bad.


They’ve outsourced my skills to Indiana.


I’m a comedian.


Things that shouldn’t be used in place of condoms


Saran Wrap


New Skin Liquid Bandage

new skin liquid bandage


Sausage casing


Fruit Roll Up


A Bridal Veil




Worst Christmas Presents


Anything the bank is giving away for free


Anything your Aunt Judy gives you


De-icing Salt




Phlegm  (I mean there’s a “g” in it!  Why is there a feckin’ “g” in it??!!)


Worst Ways to Spend an Office Break


Run into traffic


Flood the office toilet


Throw your lit cigarette on to the terrace below and set building on fire


Talking to Phil


Waiting for an over-priced sandwich


Worst Magazine Lists of 2012


Most Successful People Under Age 25


Most Successful People Under Age 18


Most Successful People Under Age 12


Most Successful People Under Age 4


Most Successful People Who Aren’t You



I could go on and on and on, but I don’t want to hurt you.  Anyway, Merry, Merry to everyone and lots of love to you and yours.


Sweet Mother is updated daily-ish.  You can follow this blog by clicking the “follow” link at the top of the page.



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Photo creds:

Clockwork, second-skin