Your Sweet Mother Questions, Answered.

These are your questions, answered.  I have even included funny videos to illustrate my points.  (Don’t worry, they are not mine.)  I suggest reading the post and then watching the videos.  Who am I?  The government, obviously, since I like to suggest what the hell you should do in the privacy of your own home.  Anyway, hope you enjoy this, as much as I enjoyed “making” it.  Or as much as you can make anything using your fingertips and a keyboard.


speaker7:  If God exists, then why hasn’t the Westboro Baptist Church been flattened by a giant foot?


Because God is a jack-hole with a giant sense of humor.  What most people don’t know (but, God does) is that the Westboro Baptist Church folks are all related.  Yep, it’s one giant white, family of hatred and inbreeding.  God thinks this is funny because he knows that while they are holding up their “God Hates Fags” signs, their insides are run amuck with sickle cell anemia and webbed shoulder blades for the next generation.  This is endlessly amusing to God.  So, he leaves them there to protest soldiers’ funerals while he fast forwards their life films to see their fully grown, evil spawn attempt to fill out a simple tax form using nothing, but their genetically mutated tadpole brains.  God also can’t stop laughing at those clips on “America’s Funniest Home Videos” where a man gets whapped in the gonads with a whiffle ball bat by his 4 year old.  Westboro is God taking the bat to the nuts of all of us.  But, he is God.  So, what can we do?  Other than picture sanity as Godzilla and Westboro as bambi.  Sorry, bambi.



cauldrons:  If you could create any ficticious beast or human/ beast for your next movie or book what would it be and why?


A centaur-gator that survives by eating the politcos on Fox News.  Gator head, centaur body with a shotgun for one leg/ hoof like that poor, b*tch in the Quentin Tarantino movie.  That way when Fox News screams, “Why is the centaur-gator only eating the right wing pundits?!” Centaur-gator’s publicist can say, “Hello, clearly centaur-gator is an active member of the NRA, what with her shotgun leg and all.  She can’t help her appetite.  I mean, that’s the way she was born.”


fish out of water:  If you could be a duo (think Frangela or the Sklar bros) with any other comedian who would it be and why?


This is a great question.  If I could partner off with someone in the comedic sense, though, I don’t think it would be a comedian at all.  I would, however, LOVE to have a split personality with a comedic writer.  For me, it would be Tina Fey or Sarah Vowell.  BUT, we’d never perform together.  We would be like Gallagher and his brother Gallagher2.


Comedy-mess, anyone?


Gallagher is the guy with crazy hair who splits watermelons all over the place.  Apparently, the watermelon-hammering-food thing, has gotten so big that now the real Gallagher only does stadiums and Gallagher2 goes to local comedy clubs.  That way they make double the money.  I would like my own version of this comedic exploitation.  I’d like Tina Fey to stay where she is and I’d like to be Tina Fey2 where I go to local comedy clubs in the middle of bumfeck, no where and try to be irreverent or intelligent without getting stoned to death by either a hailstorm of meth pipes or clubbed with gasoline soaked crosses.  I would like it to be filmed by the NatGeo Wild Channel.  I don’t think I answered the why.  I think joy is the why.  I’ll let the Sarah Vowell video display my why/ joy.


Here’s Sarah Vowell in action.  I’d be her Sarah Vowell2 any day:



val & the stream of consciousness
Val suggested that my “things I am currently avoiding” list was actually a stream of consciousness type thing.  In honor of that original thought, I’d like to write down the first 20 things that come into my head, right now, as I’m writing:


leotard, cross, bum, coffee, rye toast, poo, lactose, paper, thimble, itch, grey hair, snore, bed, lumberjack, maple syrup, hammer, sandal, jesus, suntan lotion, lube, money, jackrabbit, bermuda, shorts, lipitor, lambada, stroke, coke, and hope.


That’s more than 20.  Sorry, couldn’t help myself.


jm:  If you had the power to change three things in the world, what would they be?


1.  I would make the people who needed it a bit kinder.  (Sorry, my vagina spoke there for a moment.  She likes to have her say.)  No, honestly, I’d take the jack-holes and dip them in some compassion sauce and pray that they think of something outside of themselves for once.  That’s one thing I’d do.


2.  Get everybody at least 5 fair shots – at life, at succeeding, at thriving, etc.  Everyone, from the poorest African child to the little, rich girl trying to get out from under Daddy’s shadow, everyone gets 5, fair shots.  If you feck up all 5, it’s your fault.


3.  More main streets.  Less cars.  A highly, technology driven society that is forced to go outside and interact with one another.  Trivial, maybe.  But, if you needed 4 different people just to get your milk, maybe we’d be able to move forward a little better.  (Sorry, my vag just spoke again.  She likes to both begin and end things.)


A main street jazzy enough to make you put your cell phone down for five feckin’ seconds…


ac / meeks:  What kind of book are you writing when you’re not avoiding it?


A funny book about gaybies.  It’s probably why I haven’t spoken about gaybies much on here, as of late.  I’m saving it up for the libro, me thinks.  So, hopefully more on that soon.


Thanks everyone for playing.


This was fun!


(And yes, Mee, I will pay your gas bill.  Just let me know what form of currency and I’ll “transmit” it over.)


((Kanerva:  the chicken, of course.))



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Photo creds:  main street, gallagher, feature-questions