My Cesar Milan-ish Guide to Training a Puppy, a Gayby, or a Drag Queen.

I am a strict believer in all things Cesar Milan-ish.  Just recently, I decided to forego my five times a week psychoanalysis for a much simpler plan.  I call it the “calm, yet assertive” program.  Every time an idiot in my general vicinity fluffs up some kind of mess, I simply say, “Sssssshhhht!” in the same vein as a high school librarian while turning my thumb and first two forefingers into lobster pincers that grab at the air violently.  I hold a picture in my mind that always includes a tug o‘ war rope.  I am at one end and my nemesis at the other.  I calmly say, “Ssssshhhht!” and yank at the rope.  The rope always goes my way, its flag – in the middle – nearly dancing over to my side.

Now, upon applying this program, it has occurred to me that gabies (babies made by gays) and drag queens could also benefit from the wisdom of Cesar Milan.  Of course you could parent your gayby with any old Dr. Spock-ish book on parenting out there, but why be so boring?  Your child was born into an alternative family, so why not try out some alternative parenting methods?  As far as drag queens go — there are absolutely no books out there for parenting a drag queen.  I should know, for I have spent a good portion either performing or drinking in gay bars and – as a result – I have babysat many a drag queen.  I have realized that a drag queen needs exercise, discipline, and affection, as well as boundaries, rules and limitations as much as any puppy or gayby that I know of.

Of course, this article will be groundbreaking.  I expect it to turn the parenting world on its head.  So, you might be wondering how I came up with such an innovative idea.  Well, I conducted a study out of my living room.  I sat a blind person – okay, it was me with my eyes closed, but the effect was the same – in front of the television while both The Dog Whisperer and Supernanny were playing simultaneously on separate channels.  The subject flipped back and forth.  The result – she could not tell the difference between the programs without her sight!  It is from that mind-blowing discovery that I began to sharpen this guide.  It is not 100% fleshed out just yet.  However, the results are so helpful that I feel I’d be remiss if I didn’t share what I had with you right now.  So, here you are.

The Cesar Milan-ish Guide to Training a Puppy, a Gayby, or a Drag Queen.

1.  Provide a safe place
For the dog – this should be his or her bed.  When the puppy is overwhelmed or frustrated, send them to bed, simply by saying, “bed”.  For the gayby – As you train your new gayby they will rebel.  Anything wanting to assert its own independence is apt to do this, unfortunately.  Consider it a teaching opportunity.  These rebellious moments lead to a heightened frustration and that heightened frustration can lead to tantrums, high pitched screaming, and then the throwing of soggy cheerios.  When this happens send the gayby to the “naughty mat” until he or she calms down.  For the drag queen – As you set rules, a drag queen may become violent or at the very least bitchy.  A drag queen is used to getting her way, especially after the sun goes down.  So, your drag queen may use her heels as ninja stars, hurling them at various members of the audience because they are not properly listening to her lip synched version of Dolly Parton’s “Jolene”.  When this happens, take your position in the wing of the stage and calmly, yet assertively yell, “House!”  Keep repeating “HOUSE!” until your drag queen retreats to her studio apartment with her sequenced tail between her legs.

2.  Provide exercise
For the puppy – in addition to daily walks, you can take your dog to a dog park that provides a “doggie playground” complete with things to run over and things to run through.  For the gayby – if he or she is particularly hyper there is always one of these child gymborees with things to run over and things to run through.  Want to drink a glass or two of pinot noir in peace?  Then let your wee ones tire themselves out in a bouncy castle or that thing full of plastic balls.  For the drag queen – simply build a runway.  3-5 times a day have her strut down it.  If your drag queen is acting particularly lazy, tell her that a scout from RuPaul’s Drag Race is coming down to watch her strut it out.  This will get her moving.

Weeeeee! Happy!

3.  Provide discipline
Before you feed your puppy, make him or her sit.  Before you feed your gayby dessert, make sure they eat their veggies.  And lastly, make sure you pay your drag queen AFTER her performance.  This will assure that she shows up.

4.  Provide affection
For the puppy – petting always does the trick.  For your gaby – hugs, lots of verbal encouragement, and kisses.  For your drag queen – a wig-spree.  Once a week, if your drag queen is behaving, take her out on a wig-spree where she can purchase any wig she wants up to $100.  Yes, it is costly, but in the end very effective.

Wig-spree? Did someone say wig-spree?

5.  Provide rules, boundaries, & limitations
For the puppy – they can get up on the couch by invite only.  For the gayby – they can play with as many toys as they like, but they must clean them up afterwards.  For the drag queen – they are allowed only 4 drink tickets per night.  This will help the drag queen to pace herself and it will stop the bar from going broke.

6.  The no talk, no touch, no eye contact rule
This rule helps the best with overexcitement.  For the puppy – engage in no talk, no touch, no eye contact until your puppy calms down and submits.  For the gayby – use no talk, no touch, no eye contact when you have exhausted all other methods and your gayby is still acting like a complete and total, little, a**hole.  Make sure NOT to initiate this method when a social worker is at your side conducting a home review.  At other times, it is perfectly acceptable to use sparingly on your own spawn.  This method was used on me and it is the only reason that I can entertain myself at all.  For the drag queen – no talk, no touch, no eye contact should be used to enforce your rules.  For example, if you have said to the drag queen, “Hun, you can use whatever special effects you want in your act as long as they clean them up afterwards.”  Yet, your drag queen is refusing to do so – this is the moment to apply this method.  Perhaps your drag queen has a new number where, as she sings KD Lang’s “Wash me clean” vodka shoots out of her fake boobs.  It’s a show stopping performance.  You love it.  But, your drag queen has become a diva.  She releases the vodka, accepts her standing ovation, and never returns to clean it up.  When this happens – no talk, no touch, no eye contact.  Ignore her.  Ignore the number and ignore her requests for one more drink ticket.  After a few minutes, you will hear your drag queen quietly mopping up the vodka with the secondhand dress of the other drag queen that she hates and all will have returned to normal.

This guide should help you to survive out there in the real world.  If people don’t agree with these methods – tell them to, “Sssshhhht!”, make lobster-pincer-fingers, and yank their rope away.

You are very welcome.


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Photo creds:  Cesar, jump-dog, hot-drag-queens

18 thoughts on “My Cesar Milan-ish Guide to Training a Puppy, a Gayby, or a Drag Queen.

  1. Although not my favorite post so far by you, it was still quite clever. I absolutely adore Cesar Milan and also use the Psstt noise and touch on my cat and my kids. The cat responds, the kids don’t. Haven’t tried it on the hubby yet. Will let you know if it works. ;)

    1. glad you enjoyed it, at least halfway-ish. lol. the psst noise should be tried on everyone. i try it on wifesy constantly. it doesn’t usually work, but it is still fun. thanks for reading, wendy. i really appreciate it. – mother

  2. I’ve been in a poor pitiful me mood for several days, and this post really helped. I actually laughed out loud.

    In case you were unaware, the psst noise is used frequently in Filipino households for a variety of reasons. Just the sound of it makes me pause.

    1. i always knew there were many reasons that i loved filipinos and not just because that dictator’s wife had all those shoes! i firmly believe it should be used everywhere! so glad it helped you. honestly, that warms my heart. as it always makes me smile when you pop by here. deepest thanks. – mother

      1. The women I used to work with called me Imelda. I’m a big ol’ shoe-a-holic. It makes me smile to pop by here. Hey, we can be a mutual admiration club.

    1. oh, gurl. when you like a post enough to comment, i know i have ARRIVED. arrived where i’m not sure, but arrived nonetheless. kill dem queens in dc, gurl. i’ll be sending you nice, lady-vibes. seriously, miss wendy, thank you for reading these. ;)

    1. oh, stacie, that freshly pressed…i’ve filed it away in my mind under, ‘things that happen to other people’ – like academy awards! but, i’d be honored. thank you for saying so. always makes my day.

  3. Loved this and Love Cesar!!! We absolutely applied a Milanish philosophy with out daughter

    Keep her close, she’ll leave on her own time. You can’t spoil a child, they need your smell more than anything as an infant (they can’t see beyond the reach of their hand)
    Rules, boundaries, limitations that evolve as she gains maturity
    Keep her physically and mentally challenged as she grows
    Follow through on all threats and promises
    Affection, affection, affection

    The results

    Straight A student
    Loving and affectionate
    A stellar athlete
    Award winning artist and poet

    Says it all to me ;-)

    1. cesar is my man-crush! your kid sounds amazing. and remember, it always takes an amazing adult to raise an amazing child! :) thanks for reading, gil. You’re always a welcome sight here. xo – mother

  4. Reblogged this on Gemini Girl in a Random World and commented:
    Today I’m beyond happy to present, for your reading pleasure, another amazingly talented blogger, writer, comedian, and friend; Becky Donahue of Sweet Mother. I would love to tell you that I discovered Sweet Mother and led her to the precipice of her recent Freshly Pressed fame, where she jumped into the blissful oblivion of 40,000 hits over the span of a few days protected by the mylar-encased parachute I insisted she wear before stepping lightly off the ledge. But I would be lying, and I try not to lie while on vacation. Karma purification, pagan sun god worship, and a quest for the only safe tan in the stratosphere puts me squarely on my best behavior while I’m away. Anyway, even though Becky’s incredible talent has nothing to do with me, the reasons I love her work are as follows and in no particular order: 1) She is laugh out loud funny. I dare you to read one of her posts and NOT snort in a way that completely embarrasses anyone who knows you. 2) I recently spewed an entire mouthful of Honeycombs all over my seven year-old daughter while reading one of Becky’s posts, which led her to, in turn, spit Mountain Dew in my face. No other way to say it: Becky’s work brings my family closer together. 3) She posts hilarious, meaningful content EVERY DAY. Anyone who writes knows how difficult this is, especially when PMS, a mild head cold immune to Nyquil, or copious amounts of dirty laundry block the entryway to your favorite writing space. It takes a lot of courage to leap over nasty yoga wear while high on cold medicine and screaming in frustration at anyone who happens to walk by, but Becky’s nerves are bionic, and her fortitude shines through, post after post. 4) I am often not a Sweet Mother. My children, on any given day, would gladly tell you “Mom is super-mean and why can’t I have some cool ranch Doritos RIGHT NOW because I’m starving and do you want me to die?” Becky is always a Sweet Mother, so much so, that her blogs are filled with incredible parenting advice for her sometime-in-the-future-to-be-born gayby. I’ve been a parent for almost twelve years, and can’t touch her flow, so I’ve come to rely on Becky to steer the little people I’ve spawned with humor and grace while I take a nap. Laughter is the best tonic for everything in life, so read on, because Becky will give you that and more on a daily basis.

    1. man, oh, man. i am honored and flabbergasted and just heart-warmed that you said such sweet things about little, old, me. i am forever in your indebtedness. and i am grateful. thank you, ms. thang, you’re a rockstar. – sweet mother

  5. I TOTALLY use Cesar Millan for training my goldendoodle and applied his methods on my 3 kids. It works!!! When the kids’ noise level is elevating, I know it’s time to take them out for some physical fun. Same for my doggie! LOVE this post!

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