My Cesar Milan-ish Guide to Training a Puppy, a Gayby, or a Drag Queen.

I am a strict believer in all things Cesar Milan-ish.  Just recently, I decided to forego my five times a week psychoanalysis for a much simpler plan.  I call it the “calm, yet assertive” program.  Every time an idiot in my general vicinity fluffs up some kind of mess, I simply say, “Sssssshhhht!” in the same vein as a high school librarian while turning my thumb and first two forefingers into lobster pincers that grab at the air violently.  I hold a picture in my mind that always includes a tug o‘ war rope.  I am at one end and my nemesis at the other.  I calmly say, “Ssssshhhht!” and yank at the rope.  The rope always goes my way, its flag – in the middle – nearly dancing over to my side.

Now, upon applying this program, it has occurred to me that gabies (babies made by gays) and drag queens could also benefit from the wisdom of Cesar Milan.  Of course you could parent your gayby with any old Dr. Spock-ish book on parenting out there, but why be so boring?  Your child was born into an alternative family, so why not try out some alternative parenting methods?  As far as drag queens go — there are absolutely no books out there for parenting a drag queen.  I should know, for I have spent a good portion either performing or drinking in gay bars and – as a result – I have babysat many a drag queen.  I have realized that a drag queen needs exercise, discipline, and affection, as well as boundaries, rules and limitations as much as any puppy or gayby that I know of.

Of course, this article will be groundbreaking.  I expect it to turn the parenting world on its head.  So, you might be wondering how I came up with such an innovative idea.  Well, I conducted a study out of my living room.  I sat a blind person – okay, it was me with my eyes closed, but the effect was the same – in front of the television while both The Dog Whisperer and Supernanny were playing simultaneously on separate channels.  The subject flipped back and forth.  The result – she could not tell the difference between the programs without her sight!  It is from that mind-blowing discovery that I began to sharpen this guide.  It is not 100% fleshed out just yet.  However, the results are so helpful that I feel I’d be remiss if I didn’t share what I had with you right now.  So, here you are.

The Cesar Milan-ish Guide to Training a Puppy, a Gayby, or a Drag Queen.

1.  Provide a safe place
For the dog – this should be his or her bed.  When the puppy is overwhelmed or frustrated, send them to bed, simply by saying, “bed”.  For the gayby – As you train your new gayby they will rebel.  Anything wanting to assert its own independence is apt to do this, unfortunately.  Consider it a teaching opportunity.  These rebellious moments lead to a heightened frustration and that heightened frustration can lead to tantrums, high pitched screaming, and then the throwing of soggy cheerios.  When this happens send the gayby to the “naughty mat” until he or she calms down.  For the drag queen – As you set rules, a drag queen may become violent or at the very least bitchy.  A drag queen is used to getting her way, especially after the sun goes down.  So, your drag queen may use her heels as ninja stars, hurling them at various members of the audience because they are not properly listening to her lip synched version of Dolly Parton’s “Jolene”.  When this happens, take your position in the wing of the stage and calmly, yet assertively yell, “House!”  Keep repeating “HOUSE!” until your drag queen retreats to her studio apartment with her sequenced tail between her legs.

2.  Provide exercise
For the puppy – in addition to daily walks, you can take your dog to a dog park that provides a “doggie playground” complete with things to run over and things to run through.  For the gayby – if he or she is particularly hyper there is always one of these child gymborees with things to run over and things to run through.  Want to drink a glass or two of pinot noir in peace?  Then let your wee ones tire themselves out in a bouncy castle or that thing full of plastic balls.  For the drag queen – simply build a runway.  3-5 times a day have her strut down it.  If your drag queen is acting particularly lazy, tell her that a scout from RuPaul’s Drag Race is coming down to watch her strut it out.  This will get her moving.

Weeeeee! Happy!

3.  Provide discipline
Before you feed your puppy, make him or her sit.  Before you feed your gayby dessert, make sure they eat their veggies.  And lastly, make sure you pay your drag queen AFTER her performance.  This will assure that she shows up.

4.  Provide affection
For the puppy – petting always does the trick.  For your gaby – hugs, lots of verbal encouragement, and kisses.  For your drag queen – a wig-spree.  Once a week, if your drag queen is behaving, take her out on a wig-spree where she can purchase any wig she wants up to $100.  Yes, it is costly, but in the end very effective.

Wig-spree? Did someone say wig-spree?

5.  Provide rules, boundaries, & limitations
For the puppy – they can get up on the couch by invite only.  For the gayby – they can play with as many toys as they like, but they must clean them up afterwards.  For the drag queen – they are allowed only 4 drink tickets per night.  This will help the drag queen to pace herself and it will stop the bar from going broke.

6.  The no talk, no touch, no eye contact rule
This rule helps the best with overexcitement.  For the puppy – engage in no talk, no touch, no eye contact until your puppy calms down and submits.  For the gayby – use no talk, no touch, no eye contact when you have exhausted all other methods and your gayby is still acting like a complete and total, little, a**hole.  Make sure NOT to initiate this method when a social worker is at your side conducting a home review.  At other times, it is perfectly acceptable to use sparingly on your own spawn.  This method was used on me and it is the only reason that I can entertain myself at all.  For the drag queen – no talk, no touch, no eye contact should be used to enforce your rules.  For example, if you have said to the drag queen, “Hun, you can use whatever special effects you want in your act as long as they clean them up afterwards.”  Yet, your drag queen is refusing to do so – this is the moment to apply this method.  Perhaps your drag queen has a new number where, as she sings KD Lang’s “Wash me clean” vodka shoots out of her fake boobs.  It’s a show stopping performance.  You love it.  But, your drag queen has become a diva.  She releases the vodka, accepts her standing ovation, and never returns to clean it up.  When this happens – no talk, no touch, no eye contact.  Ignore her.  Ignore the number and ignore her requests for one more drink ticket.  After a few minutes, you will hear your drag queen quietly mopping up the vodka with the secondhand dress of the other drag queen that she hates and all will have returned to normal.

This guide should help you to survive out there in the real world.  If people don’t agree with these methods – tell them to, “Sssshhhht!”, make lobster-pincer-fingers, and yank their rope away.

You are very welcome.

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Photo creds:  Cesar, jump-dog, hot-drag-queens