mudrun-girl

This is Your Brain on Love and Stuff

I just read this fascinating study where they took a bunch of women in happy, committed relationships, attached an anklet around their slender legs, and shocked the shit out of them.  The study was done in order to test your brain on love.  First, they shocked the nice ladies while nothing was going on, you know, to get some base-normal readings.  Afterwards, they put the ladies through the same series of shocks while holding the hand of their significant others.

 

I often wonder how one becomes a participant in one of these studies.  Is there an ad placed in the University paper that reads:

 

“Are you a happy woman with a happy love life?  Feel guilty about it?  Well, stop on down to the University clinic this weekend and we’ll give you something to cry about.”

 

Dear Lord.

 

Needless to say, the women in the happy, committed, relationships felt less pain while being shocked the second time, as they held their lovers hands.

 

Love is like life-ibuprofen.

 

So, a supportive lover can protect you against the pain and torture that life will throw at you.  No surprise there.  But, just to make sure the theory was sound, the study also tested the other side.

 

The scientists brought in women in “troubled” relationships.  I’d love to know how that ad copy read:

 

“Are you an unhappy woman in a loveless, difficult, relationship?  Well, come on down to the clinic this weekend, we can make it worse!”

 

Egads.

 

And that’s what happened, the depressed broads with the sh*tty partners felt twice the pain.  So, it matters who you pick as a partner.  Again, no surprise there.

 

I don’t think any of this is news to anyone.  Most of us, from birth to adulthood, are seeking out that better half – the person who will make us feel supported and whole.

 

Now, since I’m on this Freud “work and love” kick, (It’s all about work and love.) I’m wondering if the same is true of work.  I’m wondering if scientists can do a study for me – where clinicians observe office workers and the frequency of bathroom trips made in conjunction with time spent in said bathroom.  My educated guess says that those who go to the bathroom most and spend the longest duration of time in there will be the same people who score high on the, “I feckin’ hate my job” test.  (Either that or they have a urinary tract infection.)

 

My whole life I’ve been on the path to find the person I love the most – the person I could spend my life with.  As my friend from college, Charlene, once said, “Mother, you never stay in a relationship for more than two weeks if you’re not really into the person.  If you’re not really into the person, the relationship is dead almost immediately.”

 

Charlene made a spot-on observation about me there.  I’m not one of those people who has EVER been able to stay in a relationship because it’s “comfortable”.  I’m just not that person.  In fact, I had resigned to the fact (before I met Wifesy) that I was willing to go a lifetime being single rather than endure one more relationship that wasn’t the whole kit and caboodle.  I was tired of half-men and emotionally bereft women.  Seriously, tired of it.  Of course, I met Wifesy when I wasn’t even looking.

 

To put it plainly, Wifesy answers me fully.  Completely.  And I don’t mean we have matching resumes.  To illustrate my point further, when I met Wifesy she was what I called “one of those lesbians” with a big smile on my face and a twinkle in my eye.  She was a buddhist, vegetarian, vagitarian, conspiracy theorist.  Seriously.  Now, she eats meat and the buddhism is partially out the window.  (I’m still working on the conspiracy theories.)  None of this is to say that I don’t like buddhism or vegetarianism.  I don’t mind either.  The reason I’m discussing this is to point one thing out – when Wifesy and I met, the twinkle in my eye and the smile on my face meant, “We’re not going to twin off here.  I’m a fully formed person, so if you want a twinsy, your going to have to go back to the drawing board.”  I honestly feel that a couple doesn’t have to be so matchy-matchy.  If you’re this thing (vegetarian, for example) than I must be this too (So, I’m giving up cheeseburgers right now!).  To me, that was nonsense and I told Wifesy as such right away.  To me, where you do have to be all matchy-matchy is on the inside.  Would you help that person or walk by?  What does loyalty mean to you?  What do you want to do with your life?  Who are you – INSIDE?  How important is intimacy to you?  Those are the things that matter to me and OF COURSE I have to be attracted to you too.  For me, in all the ways that were important – Wifesy answered.

 

So, I’d say my life is about 80 – 90% there.  (Maybe I should just be happy with that and shut up?)  The missing 10 – 20% for me is the job part.  I feel like I’ve always held those “get me to the bathroom, it’s the only place where I feel at peace” type jobs.  Mindless, wage earning jobs.  Even when I was able to make a full-time living at comedy, I had to do so many gigs that I didn’t want to do.  Trust me, I’m no stranger to hard work.  It’s been said about me many times, where I lack in talent, I make up for with persistence.  Here’s what a coach said about me once, way back when:  “Mother is NOT the best player on the team by a long-shot, but she will make sure they all fall down from exhaustion before her.”  That’s who I am.  So, I’m not looking for a job to be perfect – I’m looking for it to answer me.  I’m looking for one creative occupation that pays (it has to eventually pay) to answer me in the way that I need it to.

 

"She takes a lickin', but keeps on tickin'." Maybe the wrong slogan for a lesbian?

 

It’s got to the point where – quite simply – I can’t do those mindless jobs anymore.

 

Recently, Wifesy and I went out with another gay couple.  We have very few gay friends,  so I was looking forward to the evening.  In this coupling, one woman worked – made quite a good salary – and the other (the girl who was my friend from way back) quit comedy to have a baby.  While, we were talking over dinner, the girl who quit comedy to have the baby said to me…

 

“You can’t have it all.”

 

“What?” I said.

 

“You can’t have it all.  You either have happiness in your personal life or in your professional life, but you can’t have both.”

 

God, I hope that’s not true.

 

If scientists were to do a “This is Your Brain on Happiness” test – on me – it would go like this:

 

I’d have the anklet with all the disorganized wires attached to the shock treatment machine around my leg, while Wifesy held my left hand.  But, in the right, I’d have a pen and a notebook where I was writing all this shit down.  Go ahead, shock me again, I’ll make a post out of it!  Oh, the machine’s stuck?!  There’s a joke in there.  Shock me then and I can handle just about anything.  But, take away the writing stuff or Wifesy and my brain is not 100% happy.

 

However, there comes a point where you have to make money.  Period.  I am no exception to this rule.  I have to take care of my family.

 

So, I’m left wondering – and who knows it may be the dangling question of my lifetime – Can you have both?  Can you have it all?

 

What do you think?

 

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75 thoughts on “This is Your Brain on Love and Stuff

  1. Excellent!
    I’m not so sure we should have it all. After that, then what? If you’re not striving for anything then doesn’t complacency set in? I think this applies more to the work part of the equation. Because when I think about my relationship, it’s by no means perfect but I’m quite content and want nothing more.

    1. i know what you’re saying…it’s that whole, ‘you need to be a bit disgruntled to create’ sort of thing. yet, i think i’ll always be disgruntled about something…im my nature i think. i am so happy/ lucky that like you – i have a really content relationship, but i want the professional end too. i can’t help it. i want it. it’s like a disease. though i am happy in the regular day to day stuff…i can feel that one like a carrot dangling just a foot or two out of my reach…annoying. but, thanks for commenting, adrienne. it’s cool to hear what others think about this stuff. – moms

  2. I think that between love and work there will always be something that needs improvement, so will not always have it all. But I also think that yes, you can have both, just not all.
    XoXo Radium Rollercoaster

    1. ‘i think between love and work there will always be something that needs improvement’ – such an insightful statement, radium. such an insightful statement. you are probably right. – moms

  3. This entry is SOOOO spot on it borders on scary!! A couple of months ago my boyfriend came up and asked babe, what do we have in common?? and all we came up with was soccer!! However we came to the realisation that opposites attract and it really was what was on the inside that mattered.. Like you put it, we were not looking for a twin :)
    The having it all aspect hmmmm well I suppose it is even more difficult in a lesbian relationship because you have no predefined roles like how in a heterosexual relationship you have the working Dad and stay at home Mom. However, regardless of that, I have a question what is wrong with having a nanny?? Honestly if I am going to give up my law career to look after the Kids then it will be 5years of my life I would have wasted (no offence to my future kids, mommy loves you). So I think you can have it all. It is all about striking a balance, if Sarah Jessica Parker (I don’t know how she does it, can do it so can you)
    Wow that was a long comment.. could pass for an entry on its own..LOL.. Have a lovely day/night/evening mother..xx

    1. hello, luwi, i hear you on all things. i suppose it is about balance in the end – the work/ life thing. in fact, i know for me – i refuse to give in until i get it all. so, we’ll see, hopefully that will happen while i’m still breathing! lol. as far as the relationship thing – you’re spot on, it’s the inside matchy-matchy that counts and believe it or not – soccer can be enough for the outside. lol. thanks for the great comments. – moms

  4. Maybe you can have it all once you hit your stride (personally and professionally) because by then, your definition of “having it all” will most likely have changed. That normally occurs for a female, I’d say in their 50s or 60s — from what I’ve read — because she finally embraces who she is and is less likely to give a s**t what anyone thinks. As I wrote in my latest post, I expect to hit my stride when I’m 80. :). Until then, what I’ve got is really, really nice, soul-satisfying (most of the time) more than enough to keep a smile on my face (most days, anyway). Here’s to having it all!! Cheers!

    1. oh my god, brigitte, i am always saying stuff like that. i’m always saying, i’m going to be exactly where i want in my career, just by the time that i’m 80. i’m a slow ‘cooker’. lol. and you’re right, it’s also about the small stuff, about just enjoying everyday, which i think i accomplish most of the time. :) mother

  5. I am of mind that you can have it all. I don’t believe my husband is my better half, as I was whole when we met. I found happiness, career and family. It is all in perspective, and those who say can’t, I now give the middle finger to.

    1. oh, travel lady, i think i love you. seriously. i laughed out loud at ‘and those who say can’t i now give the middle finger to’. i think i just need to dig in and do that. demand it really…i think if you don’t demand it, maybe you don’t get it, i’m not sure. i felt the same way with wifesy – i was whole when i met her – and it’s one of the many reasons why it works so well. thank you for the insightful and really helpful comment. – moms

  6. There is another reason to spend a lot of time in the bathroom at work. I like my job but it can get a bit dull on occasion. And the new office is horribly hot and dry. So I drink lots of water and tea. I get more than my 64 oz of fluid during my 8 hour work day. There is one drawback. Lots of bathroom time.

    And I agree with Travellady. You have to be a whole person when you get together for it to be really successful. It’s the people who are filling the holes bits of another person who have the most trouble when personal growth on either person’s part results in the mesh no longer lining up.

    1. bathroom breaks and lunch breaks used to be my only salvation during office jobs! glad you have a job you mostly like tho. i think that’s half the battle. i’m so with you on the ‘whole person’ thing. i think a lot of people who claim they can’t find the one…need to do a little more working on themselves, first, and it will come. at least that’s what worked for me! great comment, urban. thank you.

  7. Loved this post, momma. I think you can have it all, just not all at the same time. There’s always something that will be missing, and that’s good because I think striving and working towards something does contribute to happiness.

    1. i know that you’re right. i ebb and flow with my anxieties around this stuff like a huge vagina. but, i can’t help it. well, i know once i land something that excites me i’ll calm a bit. but, you’re right, i don’t think i’ll ever fully be at rest…until i’m dead, of course. jesus, i’m morose today! lol. always love reading something from you here, wends. momma

  8. Oh I hope it is possible too. My home life is perfect (perfect wife, perfect kids and a healthy dose of happy pills) but I made a late in life career change and am only going to start working now…at 30-something. I’m hoping that my efforts and studies that have spanned the better part of a decade will be fulfilling otherwise i’ll have to become a hooker or something. I’ll be the only prostitute to charge by the pound.

    1. oh, fabulous, you are indeed living up to your name! fabulous! i soooo hear you on that. i think my shift from comedy to more of a writing life is similar to what you’re saying. so, at times i feel the growing pains of it. and i hear you on the hooker thing, jesus, we might be on the street corner together, checking our blog stats on our mobile phones. kidding, everyone, kidding! seriously, thanks for commenting here, fabulous. it’s really nice to hear other people’s thoughts on this. – me

  9. I think that it depends on your definition of “all.” I honestly think I couldn’t really be happy with a career if I didn’t have a good home life where I could fully be myself and I couldn’t really have a good home life without a career where I could fully express who I am. I think it is false to assume that you could split up your life like that—they go together and affect each other.

    Awesome post!

    1. i hear you. as of right now, my home life is AWESOME. but, my work life is still working out its kinks, so maybe i get more neurotic about these things, i don’t know. nontheless, i agree with what you’re saying, i think they are in a symbiotic relationship – work and life – or at the very least it’s worth the struggle to get them to work together. – mom

      1. I think the thing with symbiosis is that it is a living, organic thing—and so will not be stable or static. I think we sometimes think balance is a still kind of thing, but in my experience of doing things like yoga, balance is a still movement, always muscles adjusting and readjusting. I wonder if sometimes our greatest difficulty is becoming comfortable with that perpetual motion and that the struggle is part of the balancing. I hope things with your work settle a bit—I can relate to struggling with work. I might be in a similar place (I say might because I have no idea what you’re going through). pace e bene!

  10. Loved it! I think it’s possible to have happiness in both your personal life and your professional life! It’s just hard and takes time to get it! But I think it’s possible in the long run! I want that life! Sometimes you might have to hold off your professional happiness to keep some cash in the bank! I’m going to try and try until I’m surrounded by the things and people that make me happy! Good luck to you! :)

    Not wasting your time in relationships that you know aren’t working – smart! I wish everyone would do that instead of thinking that the people who do that are all dark and twisty inside! I think we just don’t see the point in wasting my time if I know what I want! Glad I’m not alone! Congrats on that working out for you! Hopefully for me too!

    1. emi, if you think that way, i can pretty much guarantee that will work out for you – on the relationship front. for the longest time, i thought may be i needed to lower my standards or compromise or something and then i met wifesy and i realized – oh, this is what all my high standards were leading me towards. so, it was truly worth it in the end. maybe i have the same high standards for my working life, so that’s why it’s taking a bit longer. not sure. and thank you for jumping in here. i really enjoyed reading your commentary. – sm

  11. I am not sure if “having it all” is the true goal. I think being at peace with anything that comes our way is the true goal. Loving self unconditionally and accepting whatever may come to us and through us. I’m still a work in progress in this regards because I’m still functioning under the “having it all” mindset.

    1. great comment, joyln. and it’s a really interesting idea that the mindset itself is the problem. i kind of like that. i’m definitely happy in my day to day life. but, until i get that one piece of the puzzle in line, i may always feel like i have a very small rock in my shoe. i’m not sure. thanks for the great comment. it made me think. – sweet

  12. Like some commenters here, I am wary of anyone who claims to have it all — in fact, it seems that the road is what we’re all doing here, making a path. Sure, we have to step off the path to rest, and even enjoy the lovely scenery, perhaps some stones or rivers across our path, but making that journey is the thing. I am happy in my career, and with my family, and my relationship, but at times each of them throws me a curve ball (sorry, mixing metaphors). Loved this post, though, because it seems that no matter what, the research shows us what we know — the stones, rivers, mountains, and even curve balls can all be there to help us on our way, especially with the help and loving support of that one person who is the “missing piece” — thanks Shel Silverstein.

    1. this is great commentary, new friend, thank you. and you are right. at the risk of sounding like oprah, ‘it is all about the journey’. maybe that’s why she’s so popular… lol. anyway, like i’ve been saying through this comment thread – i seem to ebb and flow in the amount that i care about this stuff. i can literally walk around going, ‘i have the best life, the best life, things are amazing.’ and then the next day i’m whimpering and licking my paws going, ‘why don’t i have the job i want?’ waaaaahhhh, wah. and that’s the way it feels, mostly ridiculous and it makes me realize that i’m lucky to be even thinking in such a way, if you go by ‘maslow’s heirarchy of needs’ and all that. again, great commentary and thanks for stopping by here. – sm

  13. What’s the saying? You can have it all, but not at once. Who the hell knows if you can have it all. 80% sounds pretty sweet to me. I love your blog!

    1. ha, ha, you’re damn right. 80% is pretty good. so, maybe i should just can it. lol. anyway, thanks for the great comment and for saying that you like the blog. it means a lot to me! – sm

  14. “Are you an unhappy woman in a loveless, difficult, relationship? Well, come on down to the clinic this weekend, we can make it worse!”…hahahahah… that’s super funny..sounds like an advertisement from my office
    I hope its not true that one can’t have both happiness in both personal and professional life..i hope so…
    Although, currently both aspect of my life personal and professional are screwed up… personal because of obvious reason. ..people aren’t open enough… professional because i no longer like the place(my office) i was once in love with…i dont know how you managed to do it..but you said exactly what i do.. trips to washroom when it gets unbearable at office… sometimes when im bored with songs in my Blackberry’s music folder and i have no more excuse to avoid my weird so called manager (who likes to call me for silly meetings bragging about how good we both do with our team..what a great partnership we have as team lead and project manager. Etc tec).. i take a walk to washroom…
    I know personal life is never going to be that cool…its like walking in a deep dark tunnel..only to find a sign board at the other end… road block please take a U-turn…but i do do hope someday i get up, go to my boss and tell him i quit because i got a job that’s creative and better… and i hope it happens before the Apocalypse ..or am going to be really pissed with Mayans…
    And also, i do agree that two people being too matchy matchy is not practical..unless the only matchy things are same thought about Trust, honesty, personal space and intimacy.

    1. okay, little miss, you had me laughing out loud here… ‘and i hope it happens before the apocalypse or i’m going to be really pissed with the mayans…” ooooooohhhh, so funny. well, stay strong, new friend. it sounds like you have your work cut out for you there and not to sound like dan savage AGAIN, but “it will get better”. anyway, thank you for the nice laugh here in the comments section. it’s always fun to read your thoughts. – sweet mother

  15. When it comes down to it, I think that “it all” means something different to everyone. Most people think of it in terms of family/relationships and professionalism; success and fulfillment in both fields have to sync up in order to make a woman feel as though she’s living her life right. But I don’t think it’s necessary for them to occur concurrently and still give a woman the right to say that she does have it all. In the same way that you’re thinking about work and love right now, I’m kind of fixated on the nature of time and the way we perceive things in the order of time. I’m inclined to think that even if one part of our lives doesn’t look like it’s going too well or that we’re not living 100% authentically, it’s just an illusion of time. Our experiences are ours and special. Seeing them as such kind of does away with the idea that we can or cannot have it all. “It all” is there for the taking, no matter how one defines it.

    1. jesus, ems, you’re taking me to another plane of consciousness with this type of thinking here. honestly, thank you for this insightful comment. it made me see this all from a new angle. if we stop seeing time as ‘the next thing, the next thing, the next thing…’ then perhaps, in the span of a lifetime we’re right on time for the things that we need/ want. is that what you mean? it reminds me of this horrible comedy saying that i used to argue. comedians would always say to one another, ‘you’re only as good as your last set.’ so, if you bombed, you sucked. simple. also, in my mind, ridiculous. i used to always counter it with, ‘your only as good as the sum of your last ten sets.’ it’s more about are you improving, getting better? the bad spots are inevitable, but are you gaining something? anyway, beautifully insightful commentary. thank you.

  16. Possibly the happy wife knew her partner was being shocked at the same time? I know there are days when that would absolutely up my pain tolerance.

    I am one of the happy ones. My spouse and I aren’t similar at all. I’m a little warped, he’s conservative. We’re both pragmatic. I don’t have it all, but I think I have enough. Occasional struggles seems to make things better when they are resolved.

  17. No, you can’t have it all. My source: Cosmopolitan magazine.

    But you can eat nine foods that make you look even sexier (you look so sexy, were you just eating a baloney sandwich?), and none of those nine foods is pink slime so maybe we can eat it all?

    1. where is your magazing and how do i subscribe to it for life? that’s my way of saying, i loved this… i’ll be eating my way to a nicer occupat…i mean arse, by tomorrow.

  18. It is absolutely possible. I think those that say no have settled and do not want to admit it, or are not willing to take a risk to get something better.

    I did recently see something that said why are dogs so happy?- Because they can’t see color. So they don’t always think the grass is greener on the other side. Grass is all the same color to them.

    1. i constantly think my dog is trying to say to me, “live in the moment, woman, because the rest don’t matter” and no one does that better than dogs. see, as i type this, she’s sleeping – who’s the queen in this situation – her! great, commentary, as always, contrary.

  19. I am straight and have the great guy, we will celebrate 20 years in April. BUT I am still waiting for the happy career. I don’t want to settle for the mindless boredom or the idiots that I seem to always work for and the latest is no exception. I love what I do, but hate where I work and who I work with. Is it possible to have it all? I am still striving for it and will never give up.
    Enjoyed the blog!

    1. you know, isn’t SO much of it, the people around you. i’m constantly amazed by how much this affects a work environment. you can be shovelling dung, if your doing it with ten cool people – you’ll get through it. so interesting. i’d say knowing how you feel about your sitch is half the battle and since you know that…chances are you’re working subconsciously on trying to get a better fit. for me, i’m in the tail end of my book proposal and i need to just get it out there and see where it leads… that’s where i’m at. thanks for commenting, bold. i enjoyed reading it. – mother

      1. you’re welcome! and do i have a book deal? this is such an awkward way to find out in my comments section. lol. what i have is a book agent, waiting on my proposal…time will tell! thanks for the kind words, bold. – momma

  20. Hats off Mum – this is the best post so far. I love your humour and that is not missing from this post but sometimes humour is like sour cream – best served with goulash to make a great dish truly sensational.

    I believe we are all looking for the complete package – emotional fulfillment and creative passion – and I believe that a strong couple can make it possible for both parties to have it all. But…I also agree with your pregnant friend; once you commit to children you really can’t have it all, or at least not in the same way and not all at once.

    By its very nature parenthood requires a level of sacrifice that goes beyond the give and take that two people allow each other. Having children can be the ultimate expression of a couple’s love for each other but it can also sound the deathknell for a lot of relationships because…the possible scenarios are limited to :

    – both parties giving up some of their personal dreams and ambitions to share the parenting or,
    – one party continuing on as before while the other one accepts the whole burden of parenting [which inevitably leads to resentment] or,
    – neither party giving up anything and the child being neglected like a pet banished to the dog house because it peed on the carpet. The analogy works better if you picture vomit and pureed pumpkin on the floor and jammy fingerprints all over the walls and designer furniture.

    So while I admit to wanting it all, just like everyone else, I’ve learned the hard way that sometimes it’s better to want less but enjoy it more :)

    Apologies for getting all serious like this but you have only yourself to blame :p Awesome post.

    1. ac, this is so good. in so many ways. “emotional fulfillment and creative passion” – those are exactly the things i’m striving for. though, i feel like i just need one more, small, piece of the ‘creative passion’ part to fall into place and then perhaps i’ll have it nailed. or perhaps, i’ll always be a touch frustrated. maybe this is the natural state of the writer, i’m not sure. as far as the kids part, i think that is EXACTLY why wifesy and i are holding off. she’s where she wants to be career-wise or at the very least she’s on the precipice of where she wants to be. i’m just behind that in my goals. i think she wants us both in a place – career-wise where we’re both feeling good and making some dough, before we open this family up for more. and i agree with her. question is will that happen too late. i’m not sure. either way, i’m going to try to ‘want less and enjoy it more’. i thought that was so beautifully stated. and i’m glad you liked this post. i thought it was a bit on the serious side and hesitated in publishing it, but now i’m glad i did. xo – mother

      1. I love smart, witty comedy so I will haunt your blog now for all time but I confess I love a good, meaty, thought provoking discussion even more. Must be the ex-catholic in me ;) So fear not – whether you go light-hearted or soul-bearing deep you’ve made a friend for life.

        cheers
        Andrea

      2. andrea, you are just the bees knees, sweetie. the bees knees. it’s nice to meet such an extraordinarily lovely human like yourself. much love, sweet me.

  21. I would feel much better if man of the house was there holding my hand when I was being shocked. That way I could crush his paw when I was zapped and tell him to shut up when he whined about the pain…. :)

    I have a boring job but work with a small group where shit-stirring seems to be our main occupation. Every day we get a laugh and really don’t care about the job we have to do. I think ‘having it all’ is a state of mind, not a level of status. I think I have it all although we are not well off and I have a crap job. Our little family is happy to be together. All I need :)

  22. I do believe you CAN have it all, however, I believe to achieve that, you need to be able to compromise. I don’t mean compromise as in “sell your sould to the devil and let go of everything you have ever believed in”… but to bend and yield in the ways that you as a young person ever imagined possible. You will get there- the road just might not be as straight as you once envisioned….

  23. If you are truly happy in your personal life, start a family business running a little cafe somewhere – you get to work with the person you love the most and they enrich your professional life too – win win :)

    1. you have no idea how many times i have tried to get wifesy to start a mobile veterinarian unit called, ‘BIG GAY VET VAN’. i’m serious. i have talked to her about this. i would drive and make tacos out of the side, while she does all the doctoring. i think it could work… but, no one listens to me! lol. great comment, new friend. it made me smile. – momma

  24. Having it all is sooooo 1990s. And so not possible.

    But can you be happy in love and in life? Can you be in a loving relationship AND have work you love? You bet. You might not get the mega yacht, 20 person jacuzzi, summer house in the south of France and a gig on Oprah, but then again I know a lot of ‘successful’ rich folk who are mighty unhappy. I agree with metan; abundance, happiness and ‘having it all’ are states of mind.

  25. I would like to say that I had never heard of the shock love test and it makes total sense! It makes we want to do the test with my fiance to see what happens…i don’t think she would appreciate it though ;-). I have faith you will find that person. The perfect job? Maybe not, but hey we work with what we got right?

    1. the person – i have found. the love of my life, really. she’s right by my side. the job, i’m tweaking these days. slowly, slowly, like the tortoise hopefully, i’ll get there… thanks for the great comment, new friend. – sm

  26. I have a lot to say about this (shocking, I know) but I also have a blinding headache, so I’ll just say this:
    The Clown and I, we have matching guts. You make a great point, and it made feel all lovey.
    Honesty is a very fine way to approach both relationships and work. If it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. Though in both cases we “make do” because of motivations like comfort and security.
    The ibuprofen is calling…nice post, as always.

  27. The conductors of this experiment need to get some sort of huge science trophy.

    I’ve reached an age where I’ve noticed a lot of my friends are desperately seeing out companionship. But it’s not that they’re falling in love randomly they are seeking someone, anyone, half decent to spend time with. I’ve never found myself ever needing that other person, but I’ve been fortunate enough to have them find me time and time again.

    1. i hear that, matt, i found mine when neither of us were looking. i’m betting the ladies keep coming after you because…well, to plagarize from ‘the help’ – ‘you is smart, you is funny’. okay, that’s not exactly what was said ‘in the help’, but it is close. thanks for swinging by here, funny friend. – me

  28. Yes you can have it all! At least, I hope so. I think it just takes a while to figure out what it means “to have it all”. I think it varies from person to person and some of us just take a little bit longer to figure it out.

    Thanks for subscribing to my blog! You makes 20 subscribers and me a very happy blogger. :)

  29. ““You can’t have it all.” So depressing. I think that IS true for the majority of people, but those who “want it all” can get it. You just have to want something badly enough, and work your ass off.

    1. oh, i hear that, sistah. i hear that. i’m almost there…. almost there… just a few more things to knock out. oops, just knocked myself out. that’s usually how it goes anyway. lol.

  30. I agree. Movies aren’t as scary when I hide behind my hubby, and my headaches aren’t as bad when I curl up into a ball in his arms. I love him, even when he annoys the crap outta me!

  31. I think you can have both….it is just the way you look at things. I love what I do…I have the best job in the entire world…I educate children. My summers are mostly free to travel (contrary to popular belief most teachers have work commitments during the summer months). I get plenty of time at holidays to spend with my family. Everyday I arrive at work I am greeted with hugs and smiles from all my 120+ students. They even miss me when I am not around. These are the things that drive me to get up every morning. They keep me going when times are stressful. I could look at all the negatives: the low pay, the long and demanding working hours, the stress and pressures for accountability but don’t. Every profession has it’s advantages and disadvantages. You can have the best of both worlds as long as you concentrate on the BEST of what it has to offer.

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