Update Plague Destroys Computer Village

This morning, things were all well in the land known as Aiming-for-Tranquility Computer Village.  (The locals know it us as AFT Computer town.)  The day was passing as it normally does with this writer tap-tapping away at her computer keys and sip-sipping her coffee.  Then it came, as plagues often do, starting as a sniffle or a cough – playing with me – like a mist foreshadowing the wave of death that was to follow.  The first sign was the devilphone.


"I am here to feck your sh*t up."


All bow before the devilphone!!  It must be the devilphone, for what other type of monster would write on its own mirror backwards from left to write?  Only the kin of Beelzebub would behave so.  Clearly – on this backlit led screen you see before you – a message from the underworld is indelibly scrawled in the devil’s hand.  It reads:


“Cannot connect to the mail server to verify your account information.  Your server is not…lebonique.”


Lebonique, oh, say it isn’t so.  But, it’s written right there – LEBONIQUE!  (At least I think that’s what it says.)  All the world knows what lebonique means.  It is the devil’s cry for a small shop filled with bonnets!!  Your phone is no longer a phone.  It no longer sends and receives messages!  Lucifer has turned it into lebonique — a haberdashery for virtual bonnets!  The plague has begun.


How did this start?  Where was the first point of infection?  How can we stop the contamination from spreading?


Wait, wait, somewhere in the back of your mind, you remember it.  You.  You did it.  You are to blame.


You missed an update somewhere.  You did not move your dot mac account to icloud.  The apple agents told you – evacuation was mandatory, but NO, you insisted on staying with your old house as the waters rose.  You clung to your roof as the walls came down.  You are to blame.  The signs…the signs…they were everywhere.



You ignored the box with all the little app icons sticking out of it.  You never unpacked it.  You, you, BLASPHEMOUS HEATHEN!  You are to blame.  What else have you done?


How many other warnings have you disregarded?


What about this one?



Or this subtle one…

Or this…


How many times have you ignored the iLife update?  How many times?  CANCEL, CANCEL, CANCEL – that’s the only language you speak.  That’s all you ever do and now you have brought Armageddon upon AFT Computer town, meanwhile all this peaceful village ever wanted was tranquility!


First, your phone dies and replaces itself with the devilphone and a completely useless Lebonique storefront, then your migration from mobile me to iCloud forces you to shutdown so it can an install updates, and now, now – the coup de grace — THE GODS WANT YOU TO UPDATE YOUR FIRMWARE.


Your firmware – a completely important and vibrant neighborhood of AFT Computer town that you and your pompous a** are always afraid to walk through.


“Firmware,” you think.  “I must update my firmware.  Where is this firmware?  Where does it live?  Does it live in my cupboard with my porcelain-ware and my Pyrex?”


No, you idiot.  It lives on the motherboard where all machine pieces who are way smarter than you live.  Now, you must update it.


Follow these simple rules, please:


Hit the firmware update shutdown box.


This will shutdown your computer.


When the computer goes black, hit the power button.


When the computer goes a gentle shade of grey – not dirty mouse grey, more of a “first boots through the snow” grey – when this happens, tap the power button again and sing the first three bars of “Yucatan Sam”.


If you don’t know the first three bars of “Yucatan Sam” you can head over to the itunes store and purchase a copy.


You do as your told.  You head over to the itunes store because the vastness of your empty brain is equivalent to several airplane hangers.  You pop open the application and then this happens…



The library updates and you realize you have lost your collection of 100 million songs.  You’ve lost your entire library alongside your most valuables – those original bootlegged recordings of Martha Wainwright singing a soul-rousing rendition of “Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien” and in that moment, you regret.  You regret everything.


But, you have the first three bars of “Yucatan Sam”.  Alas, there is that.  You sing them gently as you tap the power button lightly.  One tear falls from your cheek, pauses at your chin, and then dives – landing perfectly on your delete key.  Your firmware update has been cancelled.




You shutdown and start again.


This time it takes.  The firmware steps into the modern world, dusts off her jacket, and functions.


The devilphone recedes into the darkness.  Lebonique puts up an “out of business” sign.  A beautiful and fresh message lands gracefully in your inbox.



You know it to be the first sign that things are returning to normal


You let a sigh of relief escape your lips.


The sun rises, alongside hope at Aiming-for-Tranquility Computer Village.  You nuke your cold coffee and return to sipping, as your brain re-calibrates its thought process for another post.


You open a fresh word document, a blank sheet of paper to begin again, and this greets you…



You do the unthinkable.  You hit…


You have learned nothing because you are human, after all.  So, you sip coffee and wait for the inevitable with a song dancing in your soul.  Until then, Goodbye, my hearts, Goodbye.




Sweet Mother is updated daily.  If you’d like to follow this blog, simply hit the ‘follow’ button at the top.


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Photo credits – screen grabs and they’re mine, all mine.

42 thoughts on “Update Plague Destroys Computer Village

  1. But cursing aloud is so cathartic compared to updating. Actually, you’ve scared the bejeezus out of me. Shutting down (and not just emotionally!).

    1. i refuse to update! and i always cuss like a sailor. cuss is a word i got from wifesy. apparently people who grew up near farm land use it, as they pick hay out of their teeth. wifesy is always doing this. momma loves u! – me

  2. Sweet Mother,
    I will comment on your post, and on how amazing Martha Wainwright is, and how I personally do like [very much] the new Facebook Timeline…
    I had prepared you breakfast this morning. And coffee. And as you haven’t been on my blog lately, you probably didn’t noticed that I even had reserved you a seat just beside me, and Sara, in front of Jen from Sips of Jen and Tonic…
    Now, breakfast is almost all gone… there are just a few croissants left, and they are getting staled. The coffee is cold, but I could brew you a new pot. I’ll use my organic coffee for you, too.
    Le Sad Clown

    1. le sad clown, i read your post this morning. just because i haven’t commented YET, doesn’t mean momma has not read it. though i was confused when you were referencing both mother nature and sweet mother – WE ARE ONE AND THE SAME. understand, that right after i kiss wifesy, i roll over, pick up my phone and read your feckin’ blog. you are one of the annointed. so, turn sad clown frown upside down. momma will be over to comment soon!

      1. You should see my keyboard: it’s tainted blue, red and white. My face is a mess. I need to re-apply my make-up. At least the red plastic nose still stands.
        Le Clown

    2. 😉 wifesy is sending me to the store to get vittles for the family. upon my return, i will saunter over to your blog and pay it the homage it deserves…though mentioning a wainwright twice in this post, might be considered one too, if someone were to read between the lines. i mean, when you’re reading a blog by a french-canadian, you start to think of clownish-french-canadians! sacre bleu. wait, that’s really bad, right? does it mean ‘sacred blue cheese’?

  3. This is so amazing. I’m notorious for this. Just yesterday my phone had a mega meltdown because I needed to do an update. The time I spent trying to turn it on and off and figuring out what was wrong with it was epic.

    1. it can stop my entire life, i tell you. then i get very reflective and try to figure out why a piece of technology is stopping my life. it’s a cyclical cycle of zen, really. 😉 lol.

      1. I get what you mean, but at this point I think I have pretty much accepted the fact that my life stops if my pieces of technology stops. Although just last year I lived a year without a phone (no phone at all). I did still have my laptop but that was it. No phone. No PDA. And I didn’t always have my laptop with me – just when I was home.

        Now that I have a phone, unfortunately, I cannot imagine not having it working. (like yesterday I freaked out and didn’t have a clue what to do)

  4. That “Remind Me Later” button got me last week and somehow I didn’t update Adobe, I removed it from my computer. Yeah, just removed don’t remember doing that and I don’t drink at work so that can’t be the problem. Had to have 23-year-old-engineer-who-gets-paid-way-more-than-I-do reinstall it. Still don’t know what happened.

    I had to stop reading for a bit to laugh.

    Well done, as ever

    1. oh, the arrogant mutants that live in the IT department. damn them and their knowledge. damn them. i like to think of the trash bin as my friend, until i throw out my entire hard drive on accident, then it is my bitter enemy…and so it goes… lol.

  5. I could never do that!! I see an update button and I immediately stop everything I am doing and I update it, whatever it is, no matter what… as long as they’re not charging me.
    You know those little icons on the iPhone saying you have updates for your apps, I update as soon as I see one. One day, I even hit UPDATE like 7 times because all the apps were getting updates at the same time .
    I’M AN UPDATE JUNKIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Can I update your computer for you?

    1. lol. you are the people this world was made for. i’m like a chicken of the sea, built with no fins. oh, poor me. right, everything’s fine. i updated, it’s all fine. yay! xo, momma

  6. My phone is set to do most of its updating automatically, but even that can cause crazy problems. It recently decided to update something like nine different apps while I was at a wedding. I arrived at the church with 80% battery, and when I got it out to use the GPS to get to the reception, I was horrified to discover it was down to something like 30%. All sides of updating are the devil’s work.

    1. “all sides of updating are the devil’s work” – oh, what truths you speak, what truths you speak!!!! momma could not have said it better! thank you, bad fads. thank you.

  7. LOL! We are soul mates! I ignore, ignore, ignore until I can ignore no more and then have to spend hours updating. In fact, this post just reminded me that I ignored the Windows updates yesterday!!!! lol!!

    Off to update my OS…


    1. why is my OS always a step behind the present moment? oh, i will never know. it’s a cosmic problem, as soon as you update, theoretically your os needs to be updated again. and the wheel of suffering continues. lol. okay, it’s really not that bad, but you know, fun for a post! lol. momma loves ya, gills. – me

    1. yes, it’s always the devil. always. either the devil creates these updates or scientology, i’m not sure which… thanks for swinging by, leta. always good to see you. – sm

  8. Usually update when whatever tells me to do so. I’m a very accommodating kind of person. Saunter on over to my blog sometimes and share the love! Hope nothing crashes on you today or in the future and be well, dear Mother.

    1. “usually updated when whatever tells me to do so.” — that is how they win, brigitte, that is how they win!!!! heading to you blog now, sweet peaches. heading over now. – sm

  9. Still avoiding the FB timeline! I know some people like it, but most think it’s harder to read. Otherwise, I do most updates because the devil/programmers will hit you at the worst possible time in the worst possible way if you don’t. 🙂

    1. oh, they will so ‘hit you in the worst possible way’ – the creators of these updates have us by the computer-balls. it’s unfair. i like to ease my way into change, not have it pants me with an ever increasing update bar. ay yay yay. xo, me

  10. Ha ha ha ha…I’ve tried to install that same flash player update only to be told…server unavailable. So I asked myself “What would Xena fo?” and threw my pc out the window. Just joking actually I clicked the never remind me of this update button. So far…it still works. Touch wood!

    1. i am going to have to bite the bullet and click the ‘never remind me’ as well. it’s the best solution for both of us. we’ve taken our relationship as far as it can go. i never want to be updated and she thinks i’m never updated enough. it’s over between us. thank you for showing me that. – sweet mother

  11. I have an Android Incredible phone, and about two months ago it gave me a notice saying I needed to update the OS. I tried and tried and tried for weeks to get that stupid thing to update and it wouldn’t. It wasn’t until my phone locked up two weeks ago that I tried again. Right in the middle of the download my ringer started going off, and all of the pictures I’ve taken (around 250) started popping up quickly. I was so freaked out I threw the phone on the bed, screamed, and flicked holy water on it.

  12. Ungh…firmware…the most frightening word in the English language. My phone is too stupid to have firmware [I hope] but the router…the router has the f* word and it means hours of wasted time on the phone to techs. I HATE FIRMWARE!

  13. I feel your pain. I never update. Like, never. I don’t think I’ve plugged my iPhone into iTunes since the day I got it, a year ago. Oh dear. This is going to be me next. It’s like a premonition…

  14. I’m reading and relating and then towards the bottom I see my name! What the…! For a second I thought I had somehow upset Mother when I saw my message all up in your crazy tech post! So relieved when I read the rest.

    AKA aGreycat

    1. It was like a lottery, Sam and u won it. My email wasn’t working and then when it was, yours was the first to pop in. So I was very happy to see you ! Sorry there isn’t any monetary prize to go w this quasi fame, but it seems all my bonus checks from blog writing keep bouncing so… 😉 anyway, nope, u haven’t upset me, just the opposite – I’m delighted to have u here. – mother

  15. I wish there was another option, we get the choice of DO IT NOW or REMIND ME LATER with these things, why don’t they give a third, something like I DUNNO, DO WHAT YOU THINK IS BEST.

    This option means the computer imps can run around busily inside the box and do the things they need to, and don’t have to check with us. If things go wrong we just accept it as inevitable anyway.

    I try to update regularly but find I am more likely to ignore the warnings if the attention seeking beep is an annoying noise. Crazy, I am inviting computer disaster just because the noise pisses me off….

  16. Facebook Timeline…yes, it’s there and it wants me to update. Yes, Facebook. I know my marriage meant nothing until my husband and I recognized we were married on Facebook thereby officially changing our anniversary date to the day Facebook recognized us date. Yes, Facebook. I existed before you, but now you’re going to timeline me? Okay. Let’s do this.

  17. Every 5-7 days I get an urgent notification from Skype that I ignore. Then I get it again 20 minutes later, and I ignore that too. This has been going on for months, Mother…. Months!! I’m tell my wife it’s terrorists trying to blow us up through Xfinity internet. I’m pretty sure that’s how it’s all gonna end for me. Damn you terrorists, damn youse all to hell!

  18. I typed such a long comment but the computer Gods decided that they don’t want you to see it and hence they made it disappear.

    I hate software updates. My computer (Lucy -short for Lucifer-) is asking me to update some sh*t as we speak but you know what? I won’t. No sir, technology is not the boss of me!

    Also, I am having ‘The Uninspired Chronicles’ project over at my blog and I would love it if you got involved! The more the merrier! Please help spread the word x (I feel so shameless right now, it isn’t even funny) 😦 but you know I love you :p

  19. Been there, lived this. Next time I have a recurrence of crap like this, I’ll try what you did. Maybe in a slightly different manner, though; I may go instead with the first few bars of “Lucifer Sam” if you don’t think it’ll make a difference…

  20. Oh my. We’ve barely met and already you know all about me!!! Updating around here is something only a person who was extremely heavily sedated would even attempt. What with….well. Let’s just say there are no IT mutants within reach around here and I? Well. It’s amazing what I can do with just the twitch of a wrist. Where is the “undo” button when you need it……I have to head to the kitchen now, this whole topic is making me Need Refreshment…..carry on!

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