You Always Make Me Sound Like a Jack-Hole

Wifesy loves watching me perform.  I mean she LOVES it.  She accompanies me anytime she’s not working.  Now, I can’t tell you how rare this is for the significant other of a performer.  Time and again, spouses of comedians stop coming around when the comedy career thing gets old or when they see one too many bad comedy shows.  It helps that Wifesy loves comedy.  Sure.  But, I think she also just likes watching me, if I can toot my own horn for a sec.


When it comes to the blog, Wifesy thinks a bit differently.  She loves that I write.  She loves most of what I write.  Though, she has no problem telling me when she doesn’t.  This is one of the many reasons that I love her.  She doesn’t tip toe around the truth and I’m very grateful for it.


However, It’s when I write about her in a blog post that things ring a bit different to her.  This surprises me because when I talk about her on stage she LOVES it.  But, in the blog she says things like, “You always make me sound like a Jack-hole.”  Okay, she didn’t say “jack-hole,” I did.  She said something more like a-hole.


So, let me make this abundantly clear for the gaggles of people who read or don’t read this blog – I DO NOT THINK THIS WOMAN IS AN A-HOLE.  I don’t even think she ever sounds like an a-hole.  I simply think she sounds hilarious and adorable, even when she’s angry.  That doesn’t mean I don’t take her seriously.  It simply means she always makes me smile.


She is my joy.


My spark plug.


And, I’m gonna say it… the wind beneath my wings.


I think this is a never ending problem for writers.  When you write, 9 times out of 10 you’re going to write about the ones you love.


What always makes me laugh is when I meet a stranger or a new friend and they say something like, “Are you going to put this in your act?  Don’t put this in your act.  Are you going to talk about me in your act?”  All I can think is, “Jesus, get over yourself.”  For me, I have to care about you a great deal for you to make it repeatedly into my act or on to my blog.  So, no, “guy at bar” – I’m not going to talk about you.  Sheesh.


Do you think this guy has this particular problem?


Let’s talk, Woody Allen.  Woody Allen, we all know, was married to Mia Farrow.  During that period, he wrote, “Hannah and Her Sisters.”  I can’t help, but think at least some of that material must have been culled from their relationship.  A lot of it is NOT pretty stuff.  But, let’s face it.  Woody Allen is not that compassionate of a guy.  In fact, I KNOW that I am way more compassionate.  How do I know?  Well, for one, I would never marry my Asian, step daughter.


So, do not worry Wifesy.  I think of you as nothing, but a sweet, angel, bird and I will never attempt to marry any of our adopted children.  To prove my devotion, here are snippets of hilarious, charming, and definitely non-jack-hole things that my wonderful Wifesy has said:


During a morning pep talk from me on a cold, Scottish, morning:


Me:  Remember, baby, carpe diem.  Let’s seize the day!


Wifesy:  (groggily)  Oh, are we doing that today?




When my own mother constantly berates me to whoever will listen, slowly chipping away at my resolve to NOT put her into a nursing home:


Wifesy’s response:  “Sorry, that’s not my experience of Sweet Mother.  I find her to be, sweet.”




While on vacation:  Wifesy carried around these individual vitamin packets for both of us to take in-between cocktails.  After pulling a pack out of her purse and placing it on the table in front of the waitress…


Wifesy:  “Don’t worry.  That is not a condom.”


Waitress:  “That would be very large for a condom.”


Wifesy:  “Well, it’s been a long time.”


The waitress left confused, while I couldn’t stop laughing.




Just last night:  It was hot.  Way hot.


Me:  It’s hotter than a witch’s twat tonight.


Wifesy began to sing – over and over again.  In her best operatic voice she sang, “It’s hoootttter than a witch’s twat…hoooootttter than a witch’s twat…”


Basically, it was beautiful.


I think it’s the broom that makes it so hot down there…




And, lastly, one of the most awesome, funny, and brave moments from my lady in shining armor…


We were in a club.  Everyone was drunk.  Wifesy and I were dancing together and a drunk guy comes over.  He grabs my ass and flicks her boob.  The guy must’ve been 6’5” (metric people, read:  very tall).  Wifesy is shorter and smaller than me.  She grabbed the guy, by the hair, and pulled him down to her level.  Then she reprimanded him in the coolest and hottest display of awesome I have ever seen.  She wagged her finger in his face and said, “No.  No!”


Just like that.  Like you would do to an untrained puppy.  As I held my breath and watched, he walked away.  That was it.  Chastised, he simply left.


We had the best make-out after that one.  We’re still making-out, thank god, and I hope we will do so for the rest of forever.


I love you, Wifesy.  To me, you are the sweetest thing.



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Photo creds:  woody, drunk-witch


32 thoughts on “You Always Make Me Sound Like a Jack-Hole

  1. Nice post. Very sweet.
    I actually had someone introduce me to a group of people recently by saying, “Be careful what you say, she’ll put it in her book.”

    1. a writer’s ‘curse’, isn’t it? i was going for sweet here and even got an awwww from wifesy, which should give me a couple more months / years of saying whatever the feck i want. he, he. xoxo

  2. She sounds amazing. Now, can you get her to sing the “witch’s twat” song and put it on You Tube? I know I’d watch the thing.

  3. I loved this so much. For the record, I never think you make Wifesy sound like an a-hole. And just so you know, Husband always frets that I will write about him in a bad way. It must be a universal spouse fear. 🙂

    1. total.universal.spouse.fear. tusf for short. as in tusf titties, we’re going to write about you anyway. lol. i keep a lot out of the blog and whenever i do, i write from a place of life, that’s really all anyone can do…xoxo, sm

  4. He-Who has a list of things I’m not allowed to talk about. Occasionally I lose the list. 😉

  5. I think you always make your lady love sound wonderful. This was so nice, SM. Writers always write about the people they love (and despise). They show up in “fiction” as well, just different versions with the personalities and flaws way cranked way up.

  6. Tell Wifesy that I have never thought she sounded like a jack-hole from what you’ve written about her. Your love for her–and hers for you–comes through loud and clear. She sounds wonderful, and funny. And if I had seen her scolding that drunking idiot I would have applauded loudly.

  7. It totally skeeved me out when Woody Allen hooked up with his adopted daughter, but then he said “The heart wants what the heat wants” and the writer in me totally fell for that, so apparently I’m a sucker for men who like underage chics. Good thing I’m now far from the number that would qualify me as an underaged chic.

    Wifesy has always come across as super-swell to me in all of your blogs, but now that I know she’s up for a bar fight I like her all the more.

    Hope all’s well with you SM!

  8. Wifesy and Sweet Mother sitting in a tree..

    Yeah, too many letters. But that is the only love song I know by heart.
    Lovely, loving, kudos-giving blog post.

  9. Too much good stuff, Mumsy, for a blogging site that has nothing higher than a “Like” button. I want to HUG this post so much for all the love and the laughs in it. 🙂

  10. When I was a reporter, my grandmother would preface everything with “now this is off the record”, e.g., “Now this is off the record, so-and-so is a cheapskate.” Little did she know I constantly quoted her in my news articles about landfills and crow invasions.

  11. Sweet Mother,
    Woody Allen is notorious for writing about his relationships… Diane Keaton’s real name is Diane Hall…. Anyway. I was going to give an example about blogging and relationship, but then I realized The Ringmistress was already hanging around this thread… So… CALL ME, SM… I’ll tell you everything on the phone!!
    Le Clown

  12. I wish I could introduce your wind to my weight (as in dead). No just kidding he isn’t that, blogging I call him Dearly Beloved or DB for short.

    He says to me all the time, don’t write about me.
    I say, the only way that will happen is if we divorce.
    He says, okay you could divorce me then.
    I say, nah why should you be happy.
    He says, you’re mean you know.

    I have never read a single post where you have included Wifesy and made her sound like any kind of hole. Every post I have read your love for her comes through loud and clear. This one more than any other, you are both fortunate to have each other and I hope for you exactly what you hope that you are still making-out for the rest of forever.

  13. The love in your blog is what keeps me comng back. Well love and laughs. Actually, love, laughs and the awesome rants! Someone hit me, this is starting to sound like the Spanish Inquisition.

  14. Woody Allen with his step daughter is yucky. I don’t care where she came from.
    On the other hand, you are one lucky sod to have such a supportive and wonderful wife. I have now made up my own opera version of Hotter Than A Witches Twat and will sing it for my partner when he gets home.
    Portia xx

  15. I don’t think I have EVER gotten the impression that wifesy was anything but sweet, adorable and funny. The relationship you have with her makes me envious and wondering if I shouldn’t go out there and find my own “wifesy”. 🙂

  16. As a comedian, I think significant others have to expect that they will be included in the act. During my blogging hiatus, I started doing more bits on Twitter to keep fresh and sometimes I made generalized jokes about my wife. (Luckily, she doesn’t know about my Twitter account). It’s not serious, but I suppose it does affect the other person, so I’ve tried to steer away from that kind of humor where I can.

    P.S. I’m coming out tomorrow. Of hiatus that is.

  17. The last story really had me laughing. “No. No.” Priceless. Wish I was there to have witnessed it. I’m going to have to keep this in mind when I’m out dancing with my girlfriends.

  18. I LOVE “no, no!” That is perfect! And I let out a sigh of relief that the guy backed down. Not so sure he would have around here.

  19. Your wifesy seems sweet, easy going and good tempered. Loved the way she took that rude guy down. Cute!

  20. Please tell Wifesy for me that I’ve never read her to be a jackhole. If anything, reading about the degree to which you love and respect her makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I think you’re both very lucky ladies.

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