Who says Americans can’t speak more than one language? I say we speak English and Internet Abbreviations. Little did I know as a young high schooler that in my adulthood, I’d be using terms like LMFAO, or NSFW, or IMHO. It seems like almost every week I learn a new one. And I love this new cyber-speak. However, I think the lexicon is a bit empty. I mean, I know it’s missing a badly needed expression or two. So, I’ve come up with a couple of new ones that I hope we can start circulating. Feel free to start them as hashtags or just sayings around your darned house. And they are…
ITGMFLAA – It stands for “The IT Guy Made Me Feel Like an A**hole Again.”
You know the scenario – your computer is down. You call the IT guy. He comes over and ‘re-boots’ it by hitting the on/ off switch. Then he looks at you with a face that says, “I didn’t know they still made people this stupid.”
At Sweet Mother, we love ITGMFLAA and think it is so necessary in today’s society that we’d like to shorten it to: IT=ME=ASS=AGAIN. You can IM that beauty to your friend in the next cubicle…that is once the IT douche-bag leaves the vicinity.
GB0$ – Although this one looks like it means, “Great Britain Zero Dollars” – it does not.
GB0$ stands for – “GREAT BLOG, ZERO DOLLARS.”
Let’s just say hypothetically you’re spending all this time blogging and other people don’t know what the hell you’re doing. Here’s an acronym that will save you. Simply use it whenever involved in a conversation like this one:
Friend you haven’t seen in 10 years who likes to judge you: “So, what are you doing these days?”
You, the blogger: GB0$
Friend you haven’t seen in 10 years who likes to judge you says to himself, “Oh, strange friend is blogging. The blog is good, but it’s making zero dollars. My strange friend has invoked GB0$, which means they blog, but leave it the feck alone. This blogger does not want to talk about it. The blog could lead to something, it also could not. Regardless, he/ she wants me to stop judging.”
Later, your friend who you haven’t seen in 10 years who likes to judge you, jumps into a river with a frown on his face. His wish is to end it all. As the rescue workers take him out of the water, just in the nick of time (thanks to your call), they can’t help, but notice the sign around his neck that reads: “Had to end it all. My friend has a great blog and I judged her. Goodbye world.”
This is the power of the GB0$.
Fear not, you’ll blog about it all the next day and this will make it alright.
TR4T – I created this one for two reasons – 1) I come from a long line of arguers and 2) I’m a pacifist. The way we stopped dinner time fights in my house was by invoking NO PS OR R. NO PS OR R means, “No Politics, Sex, or Religion.” It means someone has gone off the rails in regards to one of these topics and the only way it’s going to end is in a blood bath and tears. When such a moment seemed imminent my mother would invoke, “NO PS OR R.” However, I don’t think this will stop a lunatic or a drunk or my father. Sometimes invoking PS or R is like putting a bandaid over a gunshot wound. For those times…for those moments when someone just won’t stop, I’ve created TR4T. You speak or type “TR4T” and it can be interpreted to have one of three meanings:
If you’re talking politics it means, “TAXES ARE FOR TERRORISTS” – it tells other people that you never affiliate so closely with a political party that you’re willing to draw blood for it. Instead, you’re willing to hit yourself in the head with a metaphorical frying pan to avoid it. You’re willing to tell the world, “Taxes are for terrorists” like a stupid-head, like a person who doesn’t make sense. It’s your version of Klinger wearing a dress in an attempt to get 86’d out of a war zone. (M*A*S*H…What did it stand for? First to answer in comments section, wins a horrible cyber prize.)
If you’re talking sex it means, “TITS ARE FOR TRANNIES.” Yelling out or typing a capitalized TR4T when things have things have become too sexy for your tastes diffuses the tension by creating a layer of confusion between you and the awkward sex talker. They will think, “Does he really believe tits are only for trannies? Well, then what are women supposed to do with their tits? I mean, think of all those wasted hooters. Is this man gay or just mentally challenged?” Regardless, it keeps the creeper off talk of balls and whores and his or her sexual escapades because you don’t want to picture them having sex anyway. Win-Win.
If you’re talking about religion it means, “TOO RELIGIOUS FOR THOR.” You’re telling people that when the subject of religion comes up – especially when it’s the ‘my religion is right, your religion will have you burning in eternal hellfire’ brand of religion talk – your eyes glaze over and you become a be-muscled behemoth who can not think past slamming something with a sledge hammer. Thankfully, “Too Religious for Thor” will decimate all religious arguments and render them untalkable. This is a great kindness bestowed upon the world.
SMFP – I know. This one seems obvious. Any thinking person would interpret SMFP to mean, “Someone Made Farty Pee” at first glance. However, I’d like it to stand for something else. I’d like it to stand for: “Sweet Mother For President.” Now, I don’t ever want to run for president, but I do like the sentiment. So, if you ever happen to like anything I say here – on this blog or out there in the real world – you can simply comment with SMFP in the comments section and save yourself from thinking for the day.
Thank you and you’re welcome OR THKU, UREWEL.
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