Gayby Talk and Safe Words

“Well, when you have a baby, afterwards, the cervix snaps back to normal, but the rest stays rather roomy, right?  I mean, you were with that woman once, your first girlfriend, the one with a child?” I asked.


“Yeah, the cervix goes back to the normal, but the vag…well, let’s just say it’s like trying to find an earring on your hands and knees in an empty airplane hanger,” Wifesy answered.


“You were in there on your hands and knees up there?!!”


“I’m speaking figuratively,” she answered.  “But, I probably could’ve been,” she added.  “It was big.”


“Yuck,” I said.


“So, are you saying you wouldn’t carry my baby?” she asked.


“No, I would, but why the hell wouldn’t you do it?  You have the same parts.”


“Well, I just thought it would be nice.  My eggs, but yet it would come through you.  So, it would be genuinely ours,” she said.


“True, in a sense, but it wouldn’t have any of my DNA and I don’t really consider the baby-having the fun part.  I think the true awesomeness is in the raising of the child and when the kid looks like you and acts wonderfully retarded like I often do.  That’s the coolest.  However, taking a very small opening on my body and ripping it open enough to create a one-car garage where something the size of a remote controlled, Volkswagen with a head can drive through on its way out to the world, not my idea of fantastic.  I mean I don’t even like getting a pap smear.”


“So, you’re saying you wouldn’t do it?”


“Not only that, I get my cervix back, sure.  But, the garage, no, that’s mine for life.  In case you want to crawl in there and meditate.  We can just think of my vag as the meditation room instead of adding something on to the house.  It’s a quiet space, where you can have a sit down.  I mean, wtf, Wifesy, the baby-having is not the fun part!”


Wifesy laughed.  “That’s really funny.  You should blog about it,” she said.  “But, seriously, would you have my kid?”


“Yes, I totally would.  But, only if you realize it wouldn’t be a day at Disneyland.  Because if you don’t realize that, I’m libel to go crazy and feed myself blue cheese for the entire 9 months as a protest,” I answered.


“That’s really funny.  I better read about it in the blog,” she said.


Try as you might, when it comes to the body, you can NOT convert a mansion back into a 1 bedroom.


Okay, so, I just wrote about it.  It’s in the blog.  I do what my girl says.  Plain and simple.  Now, maybe it’s girly of us, but talking is our thing.  I love talking to Wifesy about anything and everything.  It’s a blast.  Our conversations never get old and if that’s not one of the keys to a relationship, then I don’t know what is.  We always have hilarious repartees like this.  Almost immediately following the gayby conversation we had another one.  I’ve been going on a lot of job interviews lately and Wifesy and I decided that I needed a new, hot, outfit.  The conversation, over breakfast, went something like this:


“I need to go with you when you pick out the clothes,” she said.


“What?  Why?” I asked.


“Well, because you’re starting to look too Kmart.  You don’t need to look Kmart.”


“Okay, I can’t believe you just said I looked Kmart.  Are you kidding me?  I have 100 something pairs of heels in the closet and when you met me I dressed like Stacy London.”


“Okay, but lately…,” she began.


“Lately, nothing,” I said.  “I’m in-between jobs.  We don’t have tons of cash and so I’m careful about what we spend.  AND it’s not as easy to buy clothes for a bigger girl.  You’re a petite.  You can buy a dishrag in the 99 cents store when you’re a petite.  Strap it across your chest with a few garbage bag ties and everyone will think you look hot.  You can still look good as a bigger girl, but it takes more work and usually more cash.”


“Still, I think I should be there to stop you from looking like a soccer mom.  I mean, don’t you think I pick out hot stuff for you?”


“Okay, I’m going to murder you.  Yes, sometimes you pick out great stuff, but then other times you argue me into dressing like Rosie Perez.  It’s not cute and I am not Puerto Rican.  I think my J Lo ass confuses you sometimes.”


“It confuses me in the most exciting way,” she said.


I ignored the flirt.  This was a serious conversation.  I was trying to avoid a future fight in a dressing room.


“I’ve got it,” I said.  “We need safe words.”


“What?” said Wifesy.


“Safe words.  If I absolutely hate a piece of clothing you’re trying to argue me into, I say SHARK.  SHARK means you must drop all arguing and let that article of clothing go because my dislike for it is non-negotiable.  In turn, you have a safe word.  If you think I’m dangerously close to looking like a suburban mom with juice stains on my shirt, you simply yell – TOFU.  And I must drop said piece of clothing.  TOFU has taken the item in question off the table.  Everything else is up for discussion.  Sound good?” I asked.


“Okay, why is your safe word SHARK and my safe word TOFU?  I mean TOFU has to be the lamest, weakest word in existence.  Can you imagine what an actual shark could do to a piece of tofu?  I think you’ve weakened my stance in the argument with my safe word choice alone!”


Who doesn't feel safe with tofu? Wifesy, that's who.


And at that, I couldn’t stop laughing.  “Well, pick whatever word you want,” I said choking back tears.


“Well, I just don’t understand why you’d assign me TOFU.  I mean, TOFU?  Do I look like a woman who would use TOFU as my safe word?  Jesus.”


And then Wifesy fell over into waves of laughter.  After breakfast, she sent me shopping alone.  I came back with a super hot outfit.  I modeled it for Wifesy.  I was nervous that she might not like something about it.


“Damn,” she said.  “You look hot.”


“You mean, you like it?  You don’t even have one negative thing to say about it?” I asked.


“Nope, it’s smokin’.  Seriously.  And you know me.  I would say.  And your ass looks great in those pants.  Badunka, dunk!”


I fell on to the couch and kissed my girl.  It’s obvious, to me, that if we could just fall into each other and make a gayby, it would’ve happened already.  Thankfully, we can keep talking about it.  After all, I absolutely love talking to her.  I want to talk to her for the rest of my life.  It’s the best thing ever.



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Photo creds:  pregnant-foot, tofu, feature-baby

70 thoughts on “Gayby Talk and Safe Words

  1. “It’s a quiet space, where you can have a sit down.” This is hilarious. After our first baby it took a bit of time to build up the nerve (and for the episiotomy to heal) before re-engaging quality time. We (She) was so nervous we applied astroglide like it was ranch dressing on a cobb salad. Neither of us had used it before…..a little goes a long way. Waist deep in no time.

    1. oh. my. god. SIMON. ‘like ranch dressing on a cobb salad!!!!’ i think i’m in blog-comment-love with you. absolutely feckin’ hilarious. honestly, more people should be warned about the roominess-after-factor….loooolll. thanks for reading it. many hugs, mother.

  2. Think of it this way. Since your in LA and rent is expensive, after you have gayby you could rent out your vajayjay as a home to an illegal immigrant family for a pretty good price!

    1. This comment is so goddamned funny, I don’t even know where to begin. I think if I rented out my vajayjay to illegals, wifesy would keep checking them for insurance and ramming them w her car and I just couldn’t do that to my vag….I’m just sayin

      1. I bet right now, AT THIS MINUTE, Donald Trump is hatching a plan to turn your (and other lesbian) vajayjay into condos. He’s waiting outside IVF clinics and handing out fliers. Lesbi-Trump-Towers, Lesbi-Trump-Plaza, Lesbi-Cave-Homes…

  3. I am so stealing the safe word idea. That is freaking brilliant.

    Like your Wifesy, my hubby is skinny. I know some women prefer beefy, bulging himbo types, but I prefer my men lean – Mick Jagger, everyone in Aerosmith and Michael Jackson thin. I, on the other hand, used to be Kate Moss skinny (without using heroin, thank you very much), but now I’m identifying more with Kate Hudson…when she was 9 months pregnant (and no, I’m NOT preggers). Though my badunk dunk has not yet crawled down the back of my thighs, I could definitely stand to lose a few and I HATE trying on clothes anymore. My husband is useless when it comes to getting a real opinion on how I look because he is such a nice guy and doesn’t want to tell me that a dress I’ve put on makes me look like my cervix has recently stretched to accommodate septuplets. I’m thinking that when a dress makes me look extra chubby, Matt could just say, Duggar. And when I think his outfit makes me look fat/frumpy/old by comparison, I’ll just say, You Suck. Thoughts on this?

    BTW, you are a brave woman. I don’t know that I’d be willing to carry anyone else’s baby in my arms for nine months, let alone my uterus. I know, it’ll be your baby too, but it seems like you guys should have a deal in which you agree to carry each other’s babies. If you’ve got to do it, then Wifesy should have to as well. Wifesy’s gonna love me now!

    1. I feel u, sistah. I’m gonna lose some lbs but not until we stop moving the Feck around! And u r right about wifesy! I love her, but in that moment part of me having the baby, was her getting out if doing it. It’s like when she offers to make dinner so she doesn’t have to do the dishes. The dishes are the hard part. Lol. Anyway, yes! Use the safe words. They can save lives. And anyone who chooses duggar as their safe word is a kindred spirit, let me tell u. 😉 sm

  4. Ok..first of all, speaking from the point of view of a woman who has had THREE babies, it does NOT ruin your vagina or stretch it to rat shit. Tell wifesy that her ex was some sort of mutant.

    My vag still looks (and feels) good dammit! Ok…now that THAT is off my chest…I agree with cristy that you should BOTH carry each other’s gaybys. And for the record, some parts of it ARE fun. Just not the morning sickness, constantly having to pee in the last 3 months and the excrutiating pain of labor and child birth parts. 🙂

    1. Oh, I just wish we could bring the stork back but not 1950s living. I never would’ve made it in a leave it to beaver house. I might’ve poisoned my husbands cake, just so I could be with the nanny. Then the whole house would’ve ‘gone to the beaver…’ Nooooooo, I did not. Yes, I just did lllllllool. Xo sm

      1. Groan *rolls eyes*….remind me what you do for a living? 😛

        Oh..and I also forgot to rant about something else. Wifesy was right to complain about her lousy Tofu safeword, when you got a cool one like Shark…I’d have been a little pissed too. 🙂

    2. I’m with Wendy on this one–having a baby or two does not condemn one to an echoing vaginal cave for the rest of eternity. Vaginal muscles are made to be resilient. If what you’re suggesting is true, there would be no need for KY in the heterosexual world. And good god woman, don’t ever make me talk like this again. I have a reputation to withhold! 🙂

  5. I can fully attest to the fact that there are few more vile things than watching a human being emerge from a vagina the size of Hoover Dam.

    Sure, I cried tears of joy and all. But I couldn’t watch porn for like 6 months afterward without wanting to throw up.

  6. I’m with you on the whole carrying-the-baby thing. It sucks. When I was pregnant, I would have some women say “Oh, I loved being pregnant” and I would try to wipe the “what the fuck is wrong with you” look off my face because really what the fuck is wrong with this woman to love being pregnant? Ooh! I loved how all my internal organs were smooshed into my neck! Oh, oh, oh, I loved how whenever I ate anything I felt like the baby turned on a blow torch and fired it up my esophagus. Oh, and the constipation? Yes, that was just spectacular. I miss it!!

    It’s worth it though. I don’t have a cavernous vagina, but I do have a scar and numbness that never goes away. But dang, that kid is something else. I never thought I would take such joy in watching him doing anything even crapping his pants.

    Maybe you can work it out where you carry it for the first 5 months and wifesy for the last?

    1. Ohhhhhh I love the whole I carry it for 5 months and then wifesy the last 4 – its like a touchdown pass in lesbo football. Lol. Some women love being pregnant, some women hate it. I like to dip my blue chz rt into my white wine. It’s going to b hell for me.

  7. that was so funny..and at the same time so cute…
    all the talks.. 🙂 super nice n cute…
    “I want to talk to her for the rest of my life. It’s the best thing ever.” this is awesome..

    please give my regards to wifesy…

  8. Safe words what a great idea! Tofu and shark how funny. I agree I think it’s the best thing when you like to talk to the one you love. It seems so simple. I was just saying to Navar yesterday “We have so much fun together and that I love spending time with him.” I think after twelve years that pretty good and I am very lucky. I enjoyed reading your post.

  9. Another hilarious post! TOFU! LMAO! BTW, I’m not sure I can agree with the first part of this post. My wife popped out out son, who was a BIG baby, and her “eh-hem” parts are just fine and tight. (I can’t believe I just wrote that!)

    1. I love that I’m getting everyone to talk about this! The comments are killing me today in their hilarity. I guess some women stay an extra LG and other women bounce back?! Llloool. Anyway, so glad u liked it. Xo sm

  10. Love the idea of safe words! Genius. Wifesy is right though,Tofu is pants. .

    On an unrelated note, I tried to enter ‘Gayby’ as a word on a game called ‘Wordsworth’ on my phone and it wouldn’t accept it – wtf? You’d have thought it wasn’t an official word or something, Pfft.

  11. Reblogged this on Musing With 305 and commented:
    Seriously the best thing that I have read all day! And the comments, supurb! Officially using the ‘meditation room’ term! 😀 Thanks again Sweet Mother for making my day bearable!! 😀

  12. I have been talking to boyf about babies in the future – I said my food choice would be peanut butter and pickles.
    I also want one of those portable tummy scanners so I can talk face to face 🙂
    great post xx

  13. AW! You’re just like Dear Wife and I. We also love talking. The surprising part of gayby making is that sadly we have argued more since the boys have been born than in the entire preceding 4 years. So frustrating! There is something about chronic sleep deprivation that makes me less than my usual gracious self.

    Also my feminist point of view is that as a woman you have the right to chose what happens to your body. If having your vajayjay stretched from a 2 person tent to a 100 person marquee leaves you with the heebie jeebies then you could always opt for the sliced and diced birth option. Althought that said I once dated a woman who gave birth naturally 3 times and I didn’t find that she was all that roomy as it were. (over share?)

    I plan to have another gayby at some point and would love to have a natural delivery because I really feel like I missed out by having a c-section.

    1. Oh please! You’re in South Africa! A natural delivery in South Africa is when the maid carries the baby, the other one delivers it and a third one breast-feeds. I’m of the colonial variety myself, I had a nanny sent with me to university. I know how it goes…

    2. Ohhhh that is my biggest fear – the talking will end and the fighting will begin. No. I so dont want that, but it sounds someone inevitable I suppose. Ugh. XOXO thanks for the grt comment, fans. Xo sm

      1. What is it with women and talking? Gay men have found wonderful methods to avoid unnecessary noise. if you see an open space, find a way to plug it.

  14. I’m not sure what you lesbians are doing, but if you’ve lost an earring in there, I don’t think you’re doing it right. I mean, I can see a ring coming off, or a tongue stud and maybe a retainer if one of you has braces, but an earring? It’s not a seashell where you can hear the ocean, so, really, no ears need to be harmed in this process. Also, men have had it driven into their brains that most of the action should happen at the entrance area and not a mile into the cave. What are you lesbians doing, spelunking? If you’re wearing a miner’s helmet with a light, I think you’ve confused sex with a gynecological exam. All joy in whatever it is you two are doing. HF

      1. Why thank you, Winn. Sweetmother and I are going on the road together. We’ll bill ourselves as Clue (SM) and Clueless. She’ll tell all these great lesbian and gayby stories and I’ll stand there looking dumb and perplexed. Once in a while, I’ll chime in with a “Say what?” Hilarity will ensue or we’ll get booed of the stage. Either way, fun times. HF

  15. One word: C-Section.
    I’ve been pregnant. I have two lovely girls. I hated being pregnant. I now see pregnant women and think, “awww that’s too bad”. Upside to carrying the baby: you will get to feel the baby move inside you and that is without question one of the greatest gifts God has ever given.

    xoxo mag

    1. Feeling something moving inside you is a good thing? It sounds like heart-burn or indigestion… or some sort of parasite insect that burrows under the skin 😀

      1. The neat thing about feeling something moving inside you is that sometimes once you get it out, you then have diarrhea for 9 months. It’s totally worth it, Sweet Mother should get knocked up as soon as possible.

  16. Never been ‘with child’ but know plenty who have. There are ways in which to…let’s say make things nice again (docs have the know-how in which to do this). So, I wouldn’t let that stop me. :). Whomever houses the sweet one is treated extra special, so you’d have to make up a new term for that. I love the words you’ve assigned each other and think I’ll have to assign those for me and my love. It sounds grand, you two and I wish you ever-so-much luck in your quest. Drop in and see me when you can, SM, the banter’s pretty good in my place sometimes..xx to you and Wifesy.

  17. The ex-Mrs Mee and I (had to take linguistic care with that bit) were advised by a counsellor to have a safe word that either of us could use to stop an impending blood-bath.
    I never before realised that actually means “See you on the front lawn at 6am sharp, and whoever brings the deadliest weapon wins the argument. Until then F*CK OFF!!”
    I guess some relationships aren’t meant to last.

    As far as the cavernous vajayjay is concerned, worry not about the possibilities of echo; I’ve yet to find a woman who’s carried children and has been left with anything resembling the Royal Albert Hall as a result. It’s all wonderfully elastic.

    Oh to be a fly on the wall in your house, SM. 🙂

  18. -laughs- Getting pregnant is the single most irrational decision a woman will ever make, unless of course she does it twice. Perhaps this is why men think that we are not creatures of logic. I prefer to think of us as very rational creatures who have episodic bouts of insanity caused by that damned biological clock. When the ticking gets loud enough there’s only one way to stop it.

    If you and Wifesy haven’t heard it ticking yet don’t worry, you will and when you do the one with the loudest clock wins.

    Just remember to share the pain equally Mum. I recommend letting your nails grow so the hand holding can be truly effective. The more effort you put into something the more you value it so be generous when letting your partner share that first, core bonding experience 😀

    Hugs to you both XXXX

  19. I had to laugh at this … true story .. I went into labor, spent 2.5 hours pushing, my girlie was turned wrong. Had to go to the ER. They tried vacuum extraction first which means I got an epesiotomy (sp?) … they cut me .. didn’t work, had to have a C-section. My girlie is finally born, but none of the nurses could figure out why I kept asking for ice packs. I finally I pissed a bitch because I was hurting and explained that they’d done everything else first!

    LOL … they were all stupified because my bits shouldn’t have needed ice with a C-section …LOL

    Gotta love it … keep talking and when you make that gayby .. pre-natal yoga .. just sayin…

  20. I am one of those women who LOVED being pregnant. It was the ONLY times in my life where I could literally let my gut hang out. I didn’t have to suck it in and it was liberating! Get knocked up! It’ll be the best thing you’ll ever do and you will forget all the inconveniences and pain. My deliveries and recoveries were a b*tch, but at least I had 40 weeks (for each kid) of lettin’ it all hang out. 🙂

  21. Having a baby doesn’t ruin your bits unless you have been using them for improper purposes beforehand. I don’t mean those fun things, I mean the type of things that people turn away from and vow never to speak of again 😉

    I love the earring in an airplane hanger thing, it cracked me up. 😀 We use the expression ‘like throwing a sausage down a hallway’ when we want to describe someone who has been..ahem.. a little too free with their favours 😉

    I have a safe word, I use it when the Man of the House needs to stop being annoying or just to shut up about something. I look him in the eye and just say very clearly ‘No’. I am not sure it is the word, perhaps it is the homicidal glint in my eye that does it.

    Have a baby. You feel sick, it hurts, and afterwards you realize that after doing something so amazing there is not a thing in the world you can’t do.

  22. Hey! I found you! I love reading about you and Wifesy! So stinking cute! Hope your move went well and you are getting settled.

    1. heeeeey, eb, it is SO NICE to see you on here. welcome to my crazy-assed cyber world. you’ll enjoy it, me thinks. really glad we’re going to stay in touch. much love, sm (aka, well, you know ;))

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