So, I tend not to be too political on this blog. Mainly, because I’m just not a political writer/ comedian. I prefer a “can’t we all just get along” approach most of the time. However, today I’m going to speak out. I’m speaking out against One Million Moms. Actually, speaking out is not even the best way to say it. I’d like to re-direct their energy altogether.
If you don’t know – One Million Moms are an anti-gay, hate group. That is not a biased opinion. The whole reason they exist is to combat the ‘homosexual agenda’. (BTW, where in the feck is this homosexual agenda?! I have been scouring libraries all over the country for my copy because I’d like to prominently display it in my home in a gorgeous gold, lame, frame so people can read it when they come to my salon for tea and wine parties.)
The One Million Moms are an offshoot of a group called, “The American Family Association”. The American Family Association was originally called, “The National Federation for Decency” – I can only assume the National Federation for Decency was a sister organization to the Justice League originally run by the defiant team of Superman and Aquaman. I can only assume this because the name of the group and its many incarnations can only be seen as fantastical. Their names seem fairy-tale-like and, as such, I tend to see them as cartoons created by some conservative’s deranged imagination.
Now, I’m all for free speech. I believe in that amendment even more than some of the others. How does the saying go, “I hate what you say, but I’ll defend to the death your right to say it…” I understand that. I abide by that. However, I’d have far more respect for these hateful groups if they stopped co-opting words like American, Family, and Decency. Just say what you mean, which is more like – Totalitarian, Tyrannical, Cultish, My Way or the Highway, and plain and simple – ANTI-GAY.
So, One Million Moms is this group of supposed moms. They call themselves One Million Moms even though there are only 40,000 “moms” in the group. I suppose this is wishful thinking? If this tact is working for them, then maybe I should change the name of this blog from Sweet Mother to ONE MILLION HITS PER DAY because that’s what I want. Is it possible to wish your membership growth by way of your group naming? I suppose it’s similar to that basketball player who changed his name to Meta World Peace. I can only suppose that’s what he’s going for with such a retarded name. I want world peace, so I’m going to change my name to World Peace. Along these lines of thinking, I should definitely head down to city hall and change my name to FAMOUS WRITER B. RICH.
If you don’t know, the One Million Moms or as I prefer to call them by their reality – The 40,000 Twats – have run such wonderful campaigns as the semi-recent boycott of JCPenny when they decided to hire Ellen Degeneres as their spokesperson. She’s a lesbo. They don’t approve of lesbos, so therefore people should stop buying sh*t from JCPennys. Of course, their boycott failed because boycotting Ellen DeGeneres is like boycotting the comedy-baby-Jesus. (She’s funny and kind and “does no harm”, just as I imagine comedy-baby-Jesus to be…) Then there was the whimsical 40,000 Twats campaign where they boycotted Ben and Jerry’s for issuing a flavor called, “Schweddy Balls”. I’m not kidding. (And they say lesbians are humorless.) And this month, they’ve decided to boycott Urban Outfitters for featuring a lesbian kiss in its catalog.
As some of you may know from following me, it has been my desire, since the blog was conceived (by a lesbo mind you), to have Sweet Mother boycotted by an anti-gay hate group. I have thrown down the gauntlet to the Westboro Baptist Church here and now I would like to offer the challenge to the 40,000 Twats. Please, please, please, boycott me. I beg of you. I have put as many gratuitous lesbian and gay images throughout this post in an effort to bait you. I’m hoping this post, in particular, explodes with so much gay that you will be forced to come this way. It will be a beautiful day when I can tell even 1 of you 40,000 twats what I really think of you.
Now, supposedly these twats are also moms. As you all know, I revere moms. So, I say, that if these particular twats refuse to boycott me then they should re-direct their twatish energy towards more needy causes than banning slutty t-shirts and kicking the comedy-baby-Jesus (read: Ellen).
I think all of the below issues are more important. They are in need of more support than the current campaigns of the amazing 40,000 twats. I’d like the Head-Twat to please review these new suggestions and leave the rest of us the feck alone. Thank you. Here goes.
New Places for the 40,000 Twats to Put Their Energy:
- Forming a new organization called, “40,000 Twats for the Protection of sub-Saharan Clits.” The premise is simple. We are twats. Therefore, we vow to protect the twats of other ladies who can not protect themselves. We hereby vow to help every sub-Saharan lady grow up to full adulthood with fully intact lady parts. Simple. It’s a twat for twat program like Tom’s Shoes.
- 40,000 Twat Moms Boycott Toddlers and Tiaras. We are twat-moms. We know exploitation of children when we see it. We want it stopped, therefore we are boycotting all baby pageants and the wack-a-loons who pursue them and the networks that televise them.
- 40,000 Twat Moms and the Citizen Baby Monitors Against Bullying Campaign. You know those citizen watch programs in local communities created to keep the locals safer? You know, the good programs, not those cowboy initiatives taken on by gun-toting loons like Zimmerman, but the Guardian Angel kind, the kinds that really work? We, at 40,000 Twat Moms, are going to start one where we monitor playgrounds and classrooms and hallways using baby monitors and Nanny cams. (We’re also going to start a network of cyber-forensic civilian patrols that can monitor any bullying done online.) Bullying has become a huge problem and we’re losing a generation of talented youth to needless suicides. We’re going to save one child at a time by exposing bullies and even more important the standby adults and administrators around the bullies who sit by and do nothing while horrible atrocities happen on their watch. Your time is up. The twats are coming for you. I suggest donning a rain slicker.
- 40,000 Twats for a Cleaner Environment. Think about it, who says, “Pick it up now and clean your room!” with more aplomb than anyone else on earth. YOUR MOM. She’s powerful. She can get you to do sh*t you hate doing. Who better then to stop littering? Smokey the bear? That crying Indian from those PSAs way back when? Or…A TWAT MOM. 40,000 of them. 40,000 SCREAMING TWAT MOMS telling teenagers and young hooligans everywhere, “Hey Hip-Hop and Betty-Burnout. I’m watching you from the baby monitor at the In and Out Burger on La Brea and I noticed that you were going to throw your cheeseburger wrapper on the floor instead of the garbage can 4 feet away from you. SO. PICK IT THE FECK UP AND WALK IT THE FECK OVER TO THE TRASH CAN. THE WORLD IS NOT A PLACE FOR YOU TO SH*T UPON. SO, PICK UP YOUR TRASH AND THROW IT IN THE PROPER RECEPTACLE. IF YOU DO NOT, YOU WILL FEEL THE RATH OF 40,000 TWAT MOMS AND I CAN PROMISE YOU, THAT MESS INVOLVES FAR GREATER CLEAN UP THAN YOU PLACING YOUR GARBAGE IN THE PROPER BIN. Thank you. Now, please, continue on your date.”
Even the most gangster of troublemakers is going to pick up his or her trash after that.
Re-directing their powerful lady energies towards more constructive programs like the above should make any Twat-Mom very proud. My only hope is that the 40,000 twats will listen and do some good, for once. Sweet Mother, the particular twat writing this, is vibrating with hope and intensity at the very possibility of such an idea.
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