Vigilante Mommy Blogger

I’m thinking that Hollywood should invent a new superhero.  I call her, “Vigilante Mommy Blogger.”  She comes to life, as only a superhero can…through a tragedy.  One day, our soon to be hero is sitting at her laptop doing what she loves – breast-feeding and blogging.  She’s got the baby in one of those baby bjorn, breast feeding contraptions and she’s typing with one hand.  Alternately she types with two, when she doesn’t have to guide the little sucker’s mouth back on to her nipple.  So, Mommy Blogger is doing what she always does, the breast-feeding and the blogging, all the while  longing for a cup of coffee when she hears a scuffle at her front door.  That’s weird, she thinks.  I know Jared went back into the kitchen to start making breakfast up.


A man barges through the front door wielding a gun.  Mommy Blogger tells him, “Listen, I don’t have any money, but there’s my TV and here’s my laptop.  Take what you want, but leave us alone.”


“Shut up,” the burglar says.


Rude, Mommy Blogger thinks.


Jared walks in the room to see what all the commotion is about.  He’s quick now, ever since he lost all that weight eating nothing, but Subway sandwiches.  The rude burglar shoots him on sight.


Jared, the best manny money can buy.


“Jared, no!” she yells.


“That’s right, lady.  I just shot your husband and if you don’t listen to me carefully, you’re next.”


“That’s not my husband.  That was my manny,” she says.  “Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a good manny?  You have pissed me off beyond repair.”


And without a moment’s hesitation, Mommy Blogger lifts the falsie cup of her breast-feeding bra, as if she’s going to put it back on.  The burglar does nothing.  The sight of her doing such a lady thing disturbs him.  It’s as if she had asked him to run to the store and pick up a box of tampons.  For a millisecond, he does the gentlemanly thing and looks away.  That’s when Mommy Blogger shoots.  She hits the burglar right between the eyes and he falls dead to the floor.  Mommy Blogger had the mini-gun installed into her falsie cup after seeing that Quentin Tarantino movie where the woman had an AK-47 instead of a peg leg.  It just made sense at the time and she’s very thankful that she had such foresight now.  And that’s the moment when she becomes…




It’s time, Hollywood, it’s time.


Once you become a butterfly, you can’t go back to being a worm.  VMB knows this.  So, she using her ample skills to fight the good fight.  Her first client needs help dealing with the media.  She did one little teensy-weeny article and all hell broke loose.


What you lookin’ at?

“I’ll defend you, titty-toddler lady.”


“Yeah, so what she’s feeding her toddler at her breast.  What business is it of yours?” She says brandishing a machete.  “Do I come to your house and tell you how to raise your little a**hole?  No, I do not.  So, leave this woman alone.”


Sometimes it backfires.  Sometimes VMB defends the Times Mommy so vehemently that older guys start lining up for a breast-feed.  Literally, guys who are old enough to pledge a fraternity.  She wields the gun and tells them to, “Go the feck home.”  But, no one listens and VMB knows she can’t shoot because, well, that would be a massacre.  She already got off once for self defense, but she’s pretty sure she wouldn’t get off twice for laying out a bunch of perverts.  Instead, she feeds them all breast-milk cheese.  It seems to calm them and they all start to disperse, slowly, one by one.


Oh, no, it isn’t? Oh, yes, it is.


Very quickly, VMB catches herself up to speed with the Times Mommy situation.  It seems the Times woman is part of a movement that believes in attachment parenting.  You know, you form a strong bond with the kid when they’re a kid and hopefully that’ll make ‘em a better adult.  Another component of attachment parenting is co-sleeping with your kid.  Vigilante Mommy Blogger has a difficult time helping the Times Mommy with this one.  It seems there’s one other problem:  Men.  And these men get horny at night.  And some of them want the baby out of the feckin‘ bed.  So, VMB has taken to sleeping with the mom and her baby, all so she can pop out of the covers and say:


“Touch that baby and you’ll lose your baby-making pouches. Co-sleeping is necessary says some psychologist.”


When Vigilante Mommy Blogger isn’t fighting burglars and fighting for extreme breast-feeders and co-sleepers, well, then she’s fighting this thick headed company:


“I said whole wheat buns, motherfeckers. And I want apple slices in the happy meals!”


VMB knows every mom needs to feed their kid at McDonald’s every once in a while.  That’s a lot of mommy dollars.  So, McD’s should start serving better sh*t.  No more pink slime and fries made from motor oil.  VMB wants on the mommy blogger as corporate influencer track.  If she could become a mommy blogger consultant, well, then she could get out of this vigilante racket.  And people don’t realize vigilantism is like the Walmart of the crime world.  Why work there when you can work at Macys?


Anyway, Vigilante Mommy Blogger also knows that McD’s has a camp.  It’s a camp for fun and fries just for Mommy Bloggers.  VMB so desperately wants an invite to the McD’s camp.  She blogs about them everyday and tries to take as many instagram pics of her radical fast food holdups where she demands nothing, but whole wheat buns, smoothies, and a goddamn gluten free item or two on the feckin’ menu.  Is that too much to ask?!  VMB doesn’t think so.  She blogs daily about her terrorizing and the new babying (I mean mothering) techniques like ferberizing, which her own mother used to simply call, “Letting the baby cry it the feck out.”


But, so far no McDonald’s camp invitation.  VMB is not discouraged.  She’s also focusing her attentions on Disneyland because who in the hell wouldn’t want to go there.



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Photo creds:  Timesmom, indianwoman, vigilantemom, jared, mom and kid, mcds, mcdsgun, brstmilkchs, gunpurse

35 thoughts on “Vigilante Mommy Blogger

  1. You know, I was considering getting myself a Gatling bra. It has two mini machine guns, one in each cup, and when you touch a small trigger on the strap, they come out like you’re a Fembot. You have convinced me that I should go ahead and make the purchase. Thank you, Sweet Mother.

  2. ” For a millisecond, he does the gentlemanly thing and looks away. That’s when Mommy Blogger shoots. She hits the burglar right between the eyes…”
    Neat trick, as he’s just looked away ! Um……

    1. she uses boomerang bullets. they curve. they also can come back and shoot you. so, after you shoot, you must duck. they are pain in the ass bullets, especially if you shoot from the hip. OHHHH YEAAAAHHH.

  3. Great post! Reading it went really well with the breast milk cheese I threw on some gluten-free, whole wheat, barley and oat crackers. Now excuse me. I need to go pump. I still have a 12-year-old in the home…

    1. looooooolllll. it is crazy the extreme breastfeeds, isn’t it. i don’t know why people are going so crazy over this times magazine thing. i could give two sh*ts. ay yay yay. love you, rubes!

  4. Thank goodness someone has had the courage to wish evil on Jared (sorry, 7). I am bummed that mommy blogging wasn’t around when my kids were little. It would have prevented me from joining a coven.

  5. lmao – VBMs are all well and good Mum but what about us VPMMs [vigilante post menopausal mums]? Maybe something in the whalebone corset line? Or orthopaedic shoes with something lethal in the toe?

  6. Here is my question about all of this….was the childhood we gave these new moms so horrible that they have some need to stay “attached” to their children via the breast? Did bottle feeding make them do it? Personally, I enjoyed breast feeding, but I was damn happy to finally have my body to myself once the last child weaned (at 8 months).

    1. For various reasons my daughter weaned herself at 6 months and I admit to feeling a terrible sense of loss. Breast feeding nurtures a closeness that is hard to describe. Nonetheless weaning is a necessary part of a child being allowed to become him or herself, someone distinct from Mum.

      I worry that breast feeding a toddler has more to do with the mother’s desire to cling than the child’s need for nutrition or emotional well-being.

      1. Totally with you both on this. My kids weaned themselves without encouragement when they were ready, and both quite young. They slept in their own beds unless they were ill and are still very attached to me. VERY. It is hard to go to the loo on my own…. If they still had that additional dependancy for a long period I can’t imagine that it would have done either of them any good.

      2. i am in agreement with all of you, even without a kiddie! it seems while breast-feeding is wonderful, it MUST be a lot of work. and shouldn’t kids gain some independency at one point? as well as mom’s getting their own bodies back. i think it’s a win-win for all. much love, sm

      3. lol – ain’t that the truth! You spend half your life suggesting they ‘grow up’ and the other half wishing they’d stay little 😉

      4. i don’t know HOW you all do it. seriously, i think it’s the most admirable thing going raising another little human. sooooo, happy mother’s day to you, meeka! xoxo, sm

      5. true. they can’t wait to get to adulthood, me thinks. and then they have to pay a bill or two and they wish they were back home. bawwwwaaahhhhaaaahaa. such is the carnival of life. happy mother’s day, metan! xo, sm

      6. I have four biological children and I breatfed them all (despite having implants for the youngest three) and they all weaned themselves when they were ready. The oldest at nine months, the second at five weeks, the third at 11 months and the youngest at 16 months. Although I was crushed emotionally when my second weaned so young (I felt like I had done something wrong) and I worried that it would adversely affect our bond, it didn’t. It seems that I am closer to him than I am to the others, and despite the fact that he lives 500 miles away from me, he seems to need me more than the others do. Breast is best for nutrition, but not always the best creator of bonds between mother and child.

      7. Sorry, wasn’t meaning to imply that the bond couldn’t be formed without breastfeeding! Just that it cemented the bond for me. I don’t have a son but my nephew who is almost the same age as my daughter has been a good stand-in 🙂

      8. It was more about giving hope to those who can’t/don’t breastfeed. Not breastfeeding isn’t the end of the world. 🙂

      9. Yes, there is a lot of that negative information floating around. Too much of ‘Thou shalt’ and not enough solid fact – such as, a breastfeeding mother needs to EAT three good meals a day if she wants to be able to produce milk all day and all night. If she has a big dinner but no breakfast or lunch she will have lots of milk by breakfast but none at supper time when bubs needs food to sleep!

        Apologies Mum and everyone else – I know it’s off topic but it /is/ important!

      10. My eldest son did not want to breastfeed after birth no matter how hard I tried. I expressed four hourly and bottle fed him until he was about 6 weeks old when he finally ‘got it’. I didn’t feel any less close to him because of that, or when he dumped me at 6 months and I was forced back to the bottle. Number 2 son fed perfectly from the start and went until he was nearly 1.
        I completely believe, just like lauriejlong, that breast is best, but the emotional ties with your child come from them trusting you and you always being there for them emotionally, not an ingredient magically created by boobs!

    2. And as she said, breast is not always the best creator of bonds, otherwise dads wouldn’t be so important!

      (sorry for the extra bit here, pressed submit by accident!! Idiot I am 🙂 )

  7. Hilarious post! I was a nursing mom, but I didn’t make it a full year with either of my little dudes. I think Time’s cover is a little exaggerated, but boobs sell magazines, right?! 😉

  8. grrr…the thread wouldn’t let me post another reply so this is a bit out of context but…thanks Mum and I hope one day to wish you and Wifesy the same.

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