8 Things Every Little Girl Should Know About Hillary’s Fat Face

Okay, so there’s an article in the Huffington Post and in essence it talks about “Hillary Clinton’s Fat Face.”  The quotes are mine, but that is the gist of the article.  Now, I believe – after reading such a thing – that I am a good place in my life to quasi-counsel little girls on how one should feel when reading an article that is solely on the subject matter of “Hillary’s Fat Face.”  Well, little girls (and grown women) you should feel pissed off.  You should also say, loudly, “She’s also the goddermned Secretary of State” and no that does not mean she takes dictation.  Before that she was the first woman to run for president in the United States.  Period.  Now, ladies, there are people who will look at you when you say this with eyes that seem to be whispering, “Yes, but that does not make up for her fat feckin’ face.”  I am here to say — OH YES, IT FECKIN’ DOES.


I think I need to make one of those crazy, “LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!” videos, but for Hillary.


So, for the little girls out there old enough to read my fecks and goddermns, here are some important life lessons:


1.  If you become a doctor or a lawyer that trumps skinny thighs.


Yep, yep it does.  People will tell you – oh, no – if you’re a woman you need to be a doctor or a lawyer WITH skinny thighs.  I say no because if you become a doctor or a lawyer you will have enough money to keep people around you who don’t give a sh*t about your thighs or at least you’ll be able to pay them enough to act as if they don’t.  And that is enough for me.  You know, fake it until you make it or in this case LIE UNTIL THIS BULLSH*T DOESN’T MATTER ANYMORE.


2.  Someone WILL call you fat.


This will happen.  It is inevitable for EVERY woman, even the skinny ones.  When it happens, call up your best girlfriend and discuss with them what it felt like to be called fat.  I assure you, she in turn will tell you her, “I was called fat once” story.


3.  Someone WILL call you ugly.


This will happen.  Know that when it does, you are not ugly.  The ugly is within the name caller and this is an outward projection.  Shrug off the ugly comment and do something to make yourself feel even prettier than you already are.


4.  Read something.


If the world or just some a-hole calls you ‘fat face,’ read something.  Reading something will make you smarter and instead of reeling from the jab, you can spend your time figuring out how to make more money.  Money can buy you guns and you can use those  to…never mind.  Just read something, it’s good for you.


5.  Fat means you can eat.


I’m not saying we should hold fatness up on high like a virtue, but a little overweight is a crime?  Really?  I don’t think so.  Some people in some very impoverished places in the world would love to be called fat because it might mean they ate something last night.  Think about that for a while.


6.  You will get less absorbent like Gore-tex.


Age will make you give less of a sh*t.  And while I’m sure it still stings for Hilary when she is on the receiving end of nasty comments, I also know that wisdom and power help to soothe that sting.  People may call Joan Rivers old and nasty, but if she wants she can simply sell one of her houses and laugh her way to the bank.


7.  Fat faces are beautiful.


Let’s say you show little babies a slideshow of faces.  Which faces do you think the babies are going to like?  Round, sweet, ones or SKELETOR?  No one wants a skull-face.  So, that means fat faces are beautiful.  If anyone needs further proof, I’m more than happy to conduct the study.


Do you want this face? I do not.


8.  Fat faces are more believable in time period cut-outs.


You know those familial costume cut-outs they have in theme parks.  You step behind the wood set and place your face in the round, cut-out holes and suddenly you’re an entirely different, pioneering family from another time.  Head over to the next one and now you’re a martian family.  Now, you’re The Simpsons.  It goes on and on.  But, if you have a skinny head and you stick your face in one of those round, cut-outs, the only thing people will think is, “Ew, Homer has a floating face or gross, that pioneer woman has a floating, Skeletor head over her body.  I find that Martha Washington head to be unbelievable because of her skinny face.”  I am telling you.  It will happen.  So, have that muffin and live guilt free.


And yes, I realize, this woman is ACTUALLY being a cow…


There you go.  If Hillary is a fat head, so am I.  The book, Skinny Bitch, was a huge hit.  But, I’d rather write a book called Fat-Faced Fury:  She’ll Eat Your Skinny Bitch and Mediate for World Peace.  Look for it on bookshelves in 2020.


Thank you and you’re welcome.



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Photo credits:  cow-lady, hillary, skeletor

62 thoughts on “8 Things Every Little Girl Should Know About Hillary’s Fat Face

  1. Brilliant post! As somebody who is currently recovering from anorexia, I agree with everything you have written. Fat/fleshier faces are definitely more attractive and ‘friendly’ looking, and nobody likes cuddling boney things. I will be tucking in to a muffin after my dinner tonight!

    1. muffins unite! or should i say muffin tops unite! lol. either way, the hillary article annoyed me. i mean leave hillary alone, at least about her body and her weight. there are SO many fat, male politicians and no one really comments on them like this. it annoys the chocolate right out of me. when i am angry, i cry chocolate. it’s a gift or a curse…i’m not sure which. xo, sm

      1. my recovery??!! i have not stopped boozing, if that’s what you mean. 😉 wine is the only thing that stops me from murdering people… lol!

  2. Thanks for this! I’m not going to go into the whole misogyny, double-standards, gender-roles-and-objectification thing. What I most want to thank you for is referring to these under-weight stick figures as Skeletor. NOBODY LIKES SKELETOR, SO PLEASE STOP EXPECTING ME TO LOOK LIKE HIM. Okay, I’m done.

    1. it’s true though, should we have a boney secretary of state. a kate moss ambassador? it seems ridiculous. it really does. leave hillary alone!!! 😉 sm

  3. I am so tired of the world criticizing intelligent, successful women. Why oh why do we focus on weight rather than the mile long C.V? Some might not agree with all of her politics, but you have to admire what she has accomplished.

    1. that’s what i’m saying, criticize her policies her party, etc, all you want, but leave her weight alone. it’s ridiculous to me that an article of this nature even exists. of course she might be tired looking she’s secretary of state! i can assure you obama is tired too. ay yay yay. it’s too much. xo, sm

  4. Dear SM,

    Please write my future daughter a children’s book based off this article.



    Ps. this post only makes me love and appreciate you that much more.

    1. for $1 i will do so. 😉 seriously, i’m so annoyed that this article was written. so, i tried to cover it in a dose of angry humor. don’t know if i accomplished it, but i definitely felt good afterwards…

      1. It worked for sure. But you should seriously consider converting this into a children’s book on self-image. With your humour, it would be genius!

      2. If I toss in my dollar, then can you do it before SK’s future daughter is born? The Kidling already gets her feelings hurt so easily. I am not not not ready for mean girls to be mean to my girl.

  5. Apparently we must revere Sarah Palin because she is skinny. And was it Rush Limbaugh who criticized Hillary for her ‘”fat face”? We all know he doesn’t have that problem.

    1. i’d like to criticize limbaugh for everything. poverty – blame rush, economic collapse – blame rush, etc. no, it was a news guy. the article is not too ‘bashy’, what annoys me is that an article like this exists in the first place. who cares!! she has a rounder face, so what. let her lead. i mean for christ sake. don’t even get me started about how when she was actually running hecklers held up signs that said, ‘iron my shirt.’ imagine if they sent a similar racial equivalent heckle obama’s way. no one would stand for it. but, it’s still okay to do this shit to women??!! it’s ridiculous.

      on a sidenote – i tried to respond to your 100th post post. but, my phone was being a jerk. it’s been doing that a lot lately. anyway, i loved reading it and i think it’s awesome all that writing and blogging has brought you… xoxo, sm

      1. Thank you! Your phone and my phone must be in cahoots. It’s been driving me bonkers.

        It is completely unfair to women that we are still judged on size and beauty. As for racial heckling, I think the birther movement is one big heckle that many condone– it tries to circumvent race with citizenship. I’m pretty sure that if Schwarzeneggar tried to run for president, no one would care that he was born in Austria and that it’s unconstitutional for him to run. It’s all crazy… I totally get why your blog is called Sweet Mother. : )

    1. nope, nope, it don’t. they start to look like leather bags. you know what smooths out wrinkles? eating some carbs. i’m just saying… love you, mags, love you. xo, sm

    2. Spot on Maggie! My Mum [the real one] once looked me up and down and said, “Don’t lose any more weight or you’ll get wrinkles”. And she was right, dammit.
      Skeletor is only for women with the ‘look but don’t touch’ tattoo on their foreheads.

    1. ha, ha, love you, ems. i just can’t take it. leave hillary alone!!!!!!!! lol. i think little miss c is in good hands. thank god because broads have to listen to a lot of poo. oxo, sm

    2. You must NOT take about the “fecks.” A proper woman knows how to swear and we all want Miss C to be a strong proper woman. When someone as smart and accomplished as Hillary Clinton is judged harshly for how she looks, one swears about it.

  6. What do you call it when you post someone else’s post on your own blog? I’m so behind the lingo on all this stuff. Anyway, I just did that. Hope you’re cool with that ’cause I freaking LOVE this post.

  7. As per usual, I love this, Momma. Calling a woman “fat” or “ugly” seems to be the automatic go-to dissing tool. A woman can have a Nobel Prize, a PhD, a green thumb, a successful collection of children’s books, and a kickass chili recipe, all while reading to the blind and building orphanages, but that still won’t stop someone from saying her ass looks fat. Because you know, it keeps us from getting too uppity or something. And Maggie O’C is right–thin just doesn’t age well. It may help you look slammin’ in a bikini for a while, but ultimately you’ll just end up looking like someone ironed wrinkles into your face.:D

    1. it’s ridiculous. it’s always used to take women down a peg. and down a peg from where? from already being an oppressed group? that doesn’t even make sense. i’m so, so, SO with you on this weebs, so well said. so well said. moms

  8. Brilliant and insightful as always dear lady! (Does that mean I can skip the gym today?) 🙂 Miss you lots! Hope you’re well! 🙂

    1. coooooollllleeeeen! i miss you, lady friend. and yes, i give you complete and total permission to skip the gym today. lol. hope all is well by you. how’s the big apple? xo, sm

  9. The woman flies through time zones more often in one day than I pee in one day. (wait have to go pee. Ok, I’m back. Can you hear the flush? Hilary just landed in “Ubeki beki beki beki stan stan”, (Herman Cain)). I think the only way it will change is through women. We are harder on ourselves and each other than any man. Sorry but it is true. We are very powerful and we obviously give that power to the men, instead of using it ourselves. Your point about “Skinny Bitch” is a great example. We buy that shit. We perpetuate it. We have to own our responsibility in this mess and start kicking some misogynist ass. We as women and the men who love women have to come together and work this stuff out.

    When I saw this article all I could think about is the cries to end bullying that are going around right now. Stop bullying is the new media soundbite. Every one talking about mean kids, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah. Well this is bullying. We teach our kids everyday that bullying is ok through media outlets like this.

    OMG, I will shut up now…sorry. 😉 Peace to all you beautiful people that read Sweet Mother! You are all FABULOUS!

    BTW: being the wife of a doctor….not enough money here to pay people to act as if fat thighs don’t matter. 😉

    1. raffs, you have no idea what delight it brings me when i see you comment on a piece of mine. seriously. anyway, you’ve said so much great stuff up there. all of it, i agree with. and it’s total bullying and it’s total bullshit. and you’re right, women don’t bond together enough against this stuff. we really don’t. i’m not sure why. i’ve never been sure why on that front. however, at the very least, i take comfort in the fact that this peed off a lot of cool girls and women too. that’s something. that’s something, for sure. xoxo, sm

    2. Well said! These kind of put downs are perfect examples of psychological bullying and they do all add up to kids with a skewed sense of right and wrong.

  10. wow..Sweet Mom this is one hell of an awesome post… hats off to you…..imagine a bowing down smiley ….

    You know people will follow Paris Hilton who has no talent whatsoever just because she has a model looking body….that is shallow approach to life…i was really disappointed when a designer called Adele fat…she has such am amazing voice and all that guy saw was the body…seriously?

    “Money can buy you guns and you can use those to…never mind. Just read something, it’s good for you.” this one cracked me up… 🙂

    1. i know. adele is one of the best singers of all time. so, she’s rubenesque. so what. so is ceelo green. i rarely hear people talking about that…i’m just sayin’… xo, sm

  11. This was perfect. Ive bookmarked it so I come back to it on the days when I’m feeling upset because I don’t look like a number 2 pencil. Thank you. I’ve preordered your book also.

    1. thank you, pretty. i’m glad you enjoyed it. i think we should all re-name ourselves pretty, btw. that way when someone else says something a-holey, we can go, do you know who i am? I’M PRETTTTTTY!

      okay, maybe i need more coffee… anyway, thank you. 😉 sm

  12. Just read the HP article – and listened to the guy they quoted saying the words – and am (almost) speechless…!!!! I’m sputtering inside my head (and outside of it) – in total disgust at what’s been said. I get so sick and tired of these snide, holier than thou, bitchy (male and female participant) comments made day in day out at women either just trying to live their lives, or even worse, women like these who and are trying to make the world a better place for others. (I won’t even go into what some of our previous world leaders / key politicians have looked like – oh yeah, sorry they were MEN – who cares if they were fat thin ugly as sin etc etc…

    These totally mind-blowingly inappropriate comments about whether these women eat something, wear something, or don’t wear something make my blood pressure go totally the wrong way! Those saying them daren’t comment that they’re making bad decisions, or are incapable of doing their job well – instead they go for the cheap shots. Which if I stop spluttering for a moment and think about it – might actually be the loudest message of all. They’re actually doing their jobs right and those commentating are scared of them.

    Yes I may be fat. I may not be what some people think of as pretty. If folks don’t like it then tough. It doesn’t stop me being good at what I do, or able to make a difference.

    And to all those wonderful, strong, confident, intelligent and bloody great women out there – every single one of them – I want to tell them this…don’t ever stop being or doing whatever it is you’re doing – we need you.

    (Climbs down off soapbox….)

    I love your post by the way – just what I needed to help me calm down when I read it again after listening and reading the HP thing….!!!!

    1. jacquie, this is such BRILLIANT commentary, thank you for leaving it here. i completely agree with you. what a pile of pious motherfeckers, huh? whatever happened to ‘ye without fat ankles or fat necks or fat underarms should throw the first stone…’ well, you know what i mean. we all have something wrong, but the WAY it gets highlighted with hillary completely annoys me. LEAVE HILLARY ALONE and every other woman who had more than a carrot for lunch today. she-sus! (like jesus, but a lady. lol) much love, jacquie, much love and we ALL feel your pain. MOTHER.

  13. Great. So now the press has moved from Hilary’s “ugly pantsuits” to her “fat face.” And the other day, I heard reporters critiquing the queen’s dowdy clothes during her Diamond Jubilee. To quote you, who the “feck” cares?! Sorry, but I have to go now. The glass ceiling is holding me back…

  14. Someone called me fat a couple of years ago. I was biking in San Francisco — the hills make it a huff-and-puff ride — and hauling about 15 pounds of groceries and laptop on my wheels. I was on my way home after making sweetly profitable consulting rates. It was a nice, sunny day for a ride.

    He was a hyper-skinny little twink with a giant herpes sore in the corner of his mouth looking like he traded blows for poppers — if I might generalize.

    But his from no where “fuck you fatty” threw me for a loop. Why would someone say that for no reason to a stranger they just happened to be walking near?

    So, in my head, I wished him karmic retribution in the form of painful stomach cancer and biked off to my awesome life/apartment/love/dinner.

  15. Hell yes, Sweet Mother. Hillary Clinton could be morbidly obese or dangerously underweight and still be brilliant at what she does. I am glad she is neither, because the world needs strong capable women like her to save it and HRC must therefore live to be 100.

    Furthermore, does Ed Klein have a wife? A mother? A daughter? Shame on him.

  16. They’d never have done an article about Ted Kennedy’s fat face. It’s still one set of rules for men, another for women. Gah, don’t get me started! Back to my novels with me, where things are different!

  17. My word, I didn’t see or hear whoever it was that made that remark about Hilary, but I am really impressed with all the support she has. My face is fat.It’s so fat that when I cry the tears roll down my back. If he, Ed Kline? ever says that I have a fat face, can you stick up for me please? You are all great. Fantastic post. 🙂

  18. I think Ed Klein, the guy who said Hillary’s face is fat, is just trying to draw attention away from his microscopic penis. Do you mind if I use this turdball for my turd of the week?

  19. I was called ‘fat’ by one so-called friend when I was a kid. That one little snub stayed with me for years until I found an old picture of myself at age 8… and what the hell? I /wasn’t/ fat at all! Looking back I know the girl who said that to me was exactly the same size as me.

    And that leads on to a comment by someone else who said we women have to accept responsibility for this image torture. I don’t think I’ve ever had a guy look at my thighs and shake his head sadly about how ‘fat’ they were.

    Ladies of the world unite to stamp out Skeletor!

  20. Love this post! I can’t believe someone thought that Hillary’s face is worth an article… that’s not news! What she’s done/doing is news!
    I am a firm believer in eating whatever I want to! If I feel fat, I’ll take the stairs instead of the elevator! Or I’ll just change my outfit! A little fluff never hurt anyone right?!
    After this post… all I can say is AMEN! 🙂

  21. Good one. I think the whole idea of criticizing the looks of women in the public eye is a little on the misogynistic side, but I think your first point is right on the head. It’s one thing if they want to criticize Angelina Jolie or Britney Spears, where their looks are integral to their careers. But the damn Secretary of State? Why haven’t we read about Biden’s crow’s feet or Alito’s turkey neck or Boehner’s day-glo skin? Ok, maybe we’ve seen that last one…

  22. I have a lot of sisters. In age, I am in the middle. People always think I am the youngest. This really pisses off the younger ones. My secret is simple, I tell them, “I have a fat face. This means all my wrinkles are filled with fat so they look smooth and you don’t see them”. Simple.

  23. HP would break if they posted about all the men politicians with round faces. I am frankly exhausted by all the commentary on everything about women’s bodies; what goes on in their vaginas, breasts, faces or otherwise. Everyone needs to just let us be motherfucking awesome already and stop

  24. Hilarious, heartfelt words of encouragement! I think every woman needs to read this post. She will laugh like a lunatic and feel smarter and prettier all at the same time.

  25. As someone who fought long and hard to get to the point of saying to myself and others, please please please just piss up a rope; I will never again be skinny thanks to the Azzhats who thought it would be interesting to try to kill me. I learned after many years, re-learning to walk and 30+ surgeries, 100+ weight gain and yo you diets where the most I ever lost was 30 lbs…. please please please there might be more to me but I am still in here…. hello!

    This is what I learned, I am pretty good with or without skinny thighs. I am pretty interesting with or without a fat face. If Cosmo ever calls and wants to feature me as their ‘Fun and Fearless Woman’, well they will need a foldout and +size clothes for the shoot. 😉

    This was a great job!

  26. Great post! It’s so annoying how people focus so much on the outward appearance instead of how well she is doing her job.
    Also, I doubt I’m the only one that’s ever looked for haircut ideas online. They try to help you out by sorting by face shapes, one of which happens to be round. Some people just have round faces. Sheesh!

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